How many Stroggs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Stroggs are too big to fit inside a light bulb.
Why did the Strogg quit smoking? The Marine ran out of grenades.
Why did the Strogg cross the road? Stroggs cross everybody, especially if they have a stupid Quake name like “Road.”
How can you tell if a Strogg has been at your computer? It says “Intel Inside.”
How many Stroggs does it take to wallpaper a room? It depends on how thin you slice ’em.
A space marine walks into a bar with his pet shambler on a leash. “Do you serve those slimy damned stinkin’ Stroggs in here?” he asks the bartender. The bartender replies, “Yes, sir, we don’t discriminate, we serve anyone.” “Good,” replies the marine, “I’ll have a beer, and my shambler will have a couple of Stroggs.”
How is a crakhor like a computer? You can’t really appreciate it until it goes down on you.
Where have all the campers gone?
Lag time passing.
Where have all the campers gone —
Long time ago?
Where have all the campers gone?
Blown to fragments, every one!
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?
Quake, by Joe Larson
You know you’re wearing the wrong skin when…
- You’re wearing the Southpark “Chef” skin or the PC Gamer “Coconut Monkey” skin and your clan is playing against the Cool Cocks clan.
- You’re wearing the “nudechick” skin and your clan is playing the PMS clan.
- You’re wearing the “cow” skin and your clan is playing against the (0W601z.
- You’re wearing any female skin (esp. crakhor or nudechick) and your clan is playing against the Drunken Old Bastards Clan.
- You’re wearing a Homer Simpson or a Kenny skin (Doh!)
- You’re wearing the “Waldo” skin and you’re not a camper.
- (There could be certain tactical advantages to wearing these skins under these circumstances… ;)
You know you need a new Quake name when…
- Everybody else says “hehe” whenever they frag you.
- Bots laugh at you.
- Nobody shoots at anyone but you.
- Captain Immy gives your Quake persona his “President Nixon award.”
- Walt Disney sues you for copyright infringement for the use of the name.
- The FBI drops by your house for “a few questions.”
- Your Quake name is “Road.”
- You’re playing CTF and all your team members frag you.
- You’re playing CTF and all your team members disconnect.
- You’re playing deathmatch and everybody disconnects as soon as you log on.
- Your Quake name is longer than the Fragfest’s URL.
- Coconut Monkey asks you for a date.
You know you need a new Quake server when…
- Falling in the lava gives you a frag.
- You respawn with a blaster and everybody else respawns with a BFG.
- Nobody else in the game has a ping over 10.
- All of the players are named “Thresh.”
- You wait 20 minutes for one skin to download.
- Zaphod’s the LPB.
- Firing your blaster makes you lose 10 health units.
- None of the other players have names you could say on the radio without losing your FCC license.
You know you need a new computer when…
- You see the phone cord icon while playing single player.
- You shoot at a Strogg and real smoke comes out of the PC.
- Flamethrower grabs a fire extinguisher whenever you visit his site.
- Your voodoo card starts making dolls.
- The quake guy scratches at your screen screaming “Let me out! Let me out!”
- You see a 5 1/4 inch floppy sticking out of Tokay’s Tower.
- It says “Intel Inside.”
- It doesn’t say “Intel Inside.”
- You get it unwrapped and plugged in.
Favorite breakfast: Quaker Oats
Favorite snack: Quaker Oatmeal Bars
Favorite episode of Kung Fu: Quake
Favorite Kung Fu character: Peng Hai
Favorite motor oil: Quaker State
Favorite religion: Quakers
Favorite natural disaster: …
PlanetQuake.com Mail Bomb — Subject: The Magic Grenade !!
“THEN….. it happened, I was in a room surrounded by the bastards.. I take out one… BLAM.. I take out another….. SPLATT… and out the corner of my watering eye I see it…. A LITTLE CYLINDRICAL OBJECT SPIRALING TOWARDS ME….. NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Where did it come from, I had the remaining bots in my sights…no it cant be possible …Did I see it turn in mid air…is there someone above..no…then how? DAMMIT.
I respawn… pride intact ,and plan to wreeeek my havoc to all and sundry,and whoever it was who just performed the impossible with a mere ,meager grenade launcher will pay…OH YES….. they will pay!!
There in the distance Stands “VOODOO” and if my V-WEP patch doesn’t deceive me she has the Grenade Launcher, I run over the rail gun…my weapon of choice and line her up “SSSHHHHTING”…DAMB only winged her OKEYDOKEY …. Oh Oh she’s seen me now don’t panic ,just strafe and nail her .. NO probs… she’s close now … must… jump … now uuugh duck
WHAT-THE-FU ….. POP … KACHUNK …. AAAAAARRRGGGH IM-FRAGEN-POSSIBLE I just leapt off the stairs down to the floor below and the grenade caught me in …MID…AIR :-o
Not even THRESH himself could have pulled that one off…Ok maybe but this is a BOT …a silly little program, binary code with a shotgun..
I try again… yes… HEY YOU!! DIE YOU BASTA….POP…KACHUNK..AAAAARRRGH. And again QUICK…DODGE..HA HA YES..NO..NO…… POP-KACHUNK-AAAAAAAARGHHH Respawn.. WHAT THE… POP… KACHUNK… AAAARGH. Respawn.. AHAA the BFG now Ill….. POP-KACHUNK..AAAAAARGH.
That’s it…. Im not GOD… Im pathetic.. BOOHOO… Im PUSS…. SNIVEL…. No wait….. Quick must get a Grenade Launcher If they can do it I can to YES HA HA AAAAHH theirs one and theirs a bot “cum here so that I may brain thee… you Herman Hollorith HALLUCINATION”Happy trails to yooooooooooo
OK now DIIIEEEEEEE CLICK … POP …. MISSED …. CLICK … POP …. MISSED … AAAAARRRGGGHHH CLICK .. CLICK … POP .. POP … MISSED MISSED MISSED NO… .NO… .POP… KACHUNK.. AAAARRRGHH NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
And so here I sit ,In my padded cell ,crushed and defeated by Grenades that turn in mid air….Thats it ….Homing Grenades HA HA HAA Little brown demons that home in on your body heat and defy gravity..defy logic… bounce ONCE TWICE THRICE ,do a 45o angle and still catch you on the fly hee hee tickity booo
My doctor says Im getting better ,I fell great …. POP-KACHUNK … POP .. KACHUNK BAWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” -Courtesy of PlanetQuake
Video Games You Can Play At The Office
…in fact, are required to…
The object of this game is to fit a three page document on a 1.4 meg floppy. The deluxe version is loaded on a network file server with the bonus “try to type slower than the screen” game.
Try to print and perform rudimentary calculations before the next completely changed version comes out and leaves you ignorant again.
Harder than playing Quake on a modem against Thresh on a T1. The object is to learn a complex programming language called “visual Basic” with no manuals and only one day’s training, which does not even mention “visual basic.”
Try to send a message across town and have it get there before the post office could deliver it.
Many games within a game, including “what are all these buttons”, “Where’s the stupid start menu hiding”, and “If I’m not supposed to touch this control panel thingie why is it here.” Also included: the “Hey! My screen’s blue” game.
Thresh’s Quake Bible leaves out one important chapter: Genesis (because Sega sucks) so here it is:
In the beginning was Pong. And it was a void, without substance and without form. And it sucked.
And on the first day IdApogee said, “Let there be fun.” And IdApogee created Commander Keen. And he saw that it was pretty good, at least for the technology of the time. And he gave it away as shareware.
And On the second day IdApogee created the Duke, and the Duke said, “Damn, I’m good”.
And the Duke and the commander saw that they were ega, and killed the energizer bunny. And IdApogee said, “Why has thou killed the bunny?”
And Duke said “Come get some”.
And Keen said “But we were naked, and had no 3D”.
So Id banished the Duke to the store shelves, without 3D.
And Duke and Keen begat two sons, Wolfenstein and Doom. And Doom slew Wolfenstein, and Wolfenstein’s blood seeped through the prison floors and was drunk by the earth. And a mark was placed on Doom’s head, and Id said, “let no man slay the Doom; ye shall know the Doom by the mark on his head. And ye shall know the mark by its name, and its name is Doom.”
And Doom begat Quake, and civilization as we know it came to be.