The Top 10 Signs Your Mother Has Been Deathmatching On Your Computer, by Robby Bryant

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#10)  You’re sure it wasn’t you that downloaded that Brady Bunch Skin set, right?

#9)  Your desktop has been redone in Windows’ “Rose” theme.  *Yuck!*

#8)  You’ve discovered over 50 separate installations of AOL on your hard drive.

#7)  You reach for your mouse and discover nail polish along with Monistat 7 resting beside it.

#6)  Your ICQ list seems to be filled with Quakers from the “Bitches Over 40” Clan.

#5)  Quake 2 has that “not so fresh” feeling.

#4)  Your Dad complains while on dinner dates your Mother casually executes waiters in a hostile fashion to “Watch those bastards bleed like in Sin” as she puts it.

#3)  You find the icon “Mom’s_nuker_to_fix_those_low_ping_bitches” on your desktop.

#2)  Your Mom starts to bitch about Zoid’s physics change in the Quake 2 3.15 patch.

And Finally…  The Number One Sign That Your Mom Has Been Enjoying Some DM Action:

#1)  You notice the nick “AlcoholicHouseWifeInDenial” has been added to your GameSpy Buddy List.

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The Top 10 Signs That You’re Not Quite The Gamer You Used To Be
by: Robby Bryant

#10)  Two Words: “Keyboard Quaker.”

#9)  You explain to your nephew Billy that if PacMan were in fact around, he would beat Duke Nukem’s ass.

#8)  “Where are the nazis?!? Where are the PHREAKIN NAZIS?!?”

#7)  You consider 486’s the “Wave of the Future.”

#6)  8 MEGS OF RAM?!?! 8 MEGS OF RAM?!? WHY IN GOD’S NAME WOULD YOU NEED 8 MEGS OF RAM?”

#5)  When asked of your opinion of Quake you reply, “It registered a 5.0 on my richter scale, I tell you what!”

#4)  IRC locals have labeled you “The Gimp.”

#3)  You miss the old days, when men were men, and they ate dots, rather than quarreling with shotguns.

#2)  Max Pain?!? Max Pain!!! Do NOT bring up my rectal exam!

And Finally…  The Number One Sign That You’re Not Quite The Gamer You Used To Be:

#1)  You preset macros to yell “Lag!!!” every time your player is killed!!

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The Top 10 Other Reasons 3D Realms Made The Engine Switch From Quake 2 To Unreal
by: Robby Bryant

#10)  Nick Shaffner got tired of downloading those damn never-ending Quake 2 point releases and patches.

#9)  Bigger polygon count = Bigger boobs for strippers.

#8)  During map compilation with the Quake 2 engine, 3D Realms level designers actually had time to “relax”, and George Broussard didn’t like that!

#7)  Ed Wardo, 3D Realms’ janitor, corrupted the engine code after catching a  virus from downloading elf pr0n.

#6)  These guys wanted advanced AI for strippers… UnrealScript takes them to new “pants removing levels,” complete with lap dances.

#5)  The programmers and artists at 3D Realms had trouble editing out those damn opening Quake 2 animations every time they tried to start up Duke Nukem Forever.

#4)  QUAKE EDITING SUCKS!   (Insert Hailing Here)

#3)  Why have Quake 2 netplay when you can have “Unreal” netplay? ;D

#2)  Brian Cozzens accidentally sat on the Quake 2 source code CD!

And Finally…  The Number One Other Reasons Behind The Duke Nukem Forever Engine Change:

#1)  3D Realms’ developers had seen enough shades of brown after visiting their favorite local Tex-Mex restaurant… let alone look at Quake 2.

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https://web.archive.org/web/20010408213306/http://www.3dportal.com:80/features/top10/index.html

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