Mr. Grapple Rants: Pondering People, Places and Piercings
Ponder these punk [ Updated 3/05/99 10:00 PM ]
So it’s like this, see? I’m driving home from the job today and the longer I’m in traffic, the more I think of things that REALLY get to me. It shouldn’t come as a suprise to any of you that there are such things in my daily life. Here are some examples:
- People who think that any public place is a playground for their child – Ever go to a nice restaurant (probably not, but what the hell..) only to have some ankle biters running around like Super Mario on speed? Tonight I’m at a classy place with my cheap date and here’s a rat dressed in his adorable Kung Fu outfit. I kid you not! Running through the place knocking crap over while his parents watch in delight as if nobody else minds. Does having a child automatically eliminate your respect of other peoples space?
- Every car that has no brake lights will ultimately end up right in front of me in traffic – Is it karma? (get it?) Doesn’t matter where I am… as soon as the traffic builds up, the car with no brake lights cuts me off and then tailgates the car in front of him causing him/her unnecissarily abrupt stops and by extension me too. See… there’s a ripple effect here. He/she slams on the brakes (usually while cutting me off), I can’t tell until almost too late so the car behind me nearly rear ends me and the trucker behind him skids to a stop. It just doesn’t pay to own a Ferrari sometimes.
- My invisible clothes – Ever stand in line for a while only to be completely overlooked by the “service employee?” Hello? I was here LONG before Jughead over there. Is my name Skip today?
- Fat girls in bellie shirts and/or spandex – ’nuff said.
- Bums who feel any corner is their toilet – Ever walk around in a city like S.F. and mistakenly step into a corner or alley.. say.. to light a smoke, or try to get a signal on that friggin cell phone? Chances are if you have, you’ve also found the personal “crapper” of some bum. The urine stench is enough to make you wanna wretch. What’s up with that? Pissing in the dirt in Golden Gate Park is so tough? Why does the side of a building hold that much more attraction for them?
- Idiots who jump into On-Sale auctions thinking the PII 450 for $600 is a steal – Doesn’t really bother me any more than any other complete idiot would. You seen this yet? People pay way too much for stuff. It’s like a feeding frenzy.. they think that because it’s an auction it must be a good deal. Duhhhh.
- Bitch movies – Take Titanic (puhlease.. and don’t dare bring it back). You get some dickhead friend who says “It’s not that bad actually. No. It wasn’t just a love story.” Blow me pussy. It’s a chick flick and you dug it. And that Kate Whats-her-face… GAH! Put the clothes back on woman!
- Buying anything for a PC – Guaranteed that the very next day the prices will drop like panties on prom night.
- Buying anything for your girlfriend – Guaranteed that the very next day the prices will drop like panties on prom night. Take flowers at Valentines for example. $60 the day of, but $15 the very next day! I NEVER celebrate holidays on time anymore. Christmas in January from now on.
- Freeways where the lanes disappear – I drive on the 880 frewway a lot. Rarely in the slow lane. Not because I never drive slow (need to after those 14 pints of Guiness), but because the damn lanes disappear. You’re cruising along and all of a sudden “Right lane must exit.” WTF?!?! So rather than creat an exit lane they “shift” the whole fuckin freeway over one lane. Ridiculous.
- Chicks with pierced nipples – Why ruin a good thing?
- Fat chicks with pierced nipples – Why?
I’ve had enough for now. Remembering these things has brought back that migraine. Time to kick the girlfriend out and take some sleeping pills.
Don’t worry… I’ll share more of these later.. if I ever wake up.
So it’s Saturday and I spent most of my day observing other idots, so I thought I’d update this gem for you. Here are a few more that are sure to ring a bell with y’all:
- People who don’t use turn signals – So I’m sitting at a shopping center exit trying to get into traffic and not one of the assholes entering used a turn signal. So I sat there waiting patiently and giving each an every one of ’em my one finger salute. Why do they even bother putting these things on cars anymore?
- People who look at me like I’m gonna rob them – What the fuck people? Never saw a parolee before? Just because I have lotsa tatoos doesn’t mean I’ll take your purse. Do I stare at you because you wear a turban or have blue hair?
- Service employees who speak English as a third language – Why is it that anytime you need to actually speak with someone at a bank or store, they can’t speak english these days? I know htese are “low level” positions, but what the fuck? Do you REALLY wanna drive away your business that way? We’ve all come to expect it from 7-11, but come on… the bank?!
- Birds – What the fuck are these for in the first place? The only thing they do is shit on my car as soon as I wash it. The only time I ever enjoyed a bird was at Thanksgiving. Otherwise they’re just winged rats.
Is it just me?