Mr. Grapple Rants: Don’t Step On My Buzz!

I’m too stoned to rant… [ Updated 5/26/99 10:00 PM ]
This really sucks. I had a f*cked up day, came home to find the last beer was gone and Taco Bell reamed me out of my hot sauce. Can’t stand that pussy mild sauce.

I moved to the Bay Area about six years ago (started a trend apparently, since now 80% of the residence have lived here less than five years) and developed an immediate and nasty case of hayfever in the spring. During the first two years it was no big deal. A two to three week spell while the funky native plants blossomed. Well, thanks to El Nino, El Nina, Pinta and the Santa Maria (mixed metaphors or just whacked?), the last few years have had the plants so f*cking confused, they bloom for like two months straight! Arrgghh!

So today I had to down a few allergy pills. I love these things. The warning labels all make the same claims – “May cause drowsiness: Avoid alcoholic beverages while taking this product.” Yeah right. And stop breathing while you’re at it! Like the allergy sufferer needs any more bad news. If it weren’t for alcohol I’d probably snap from this.

So, as any wise-ass young American would do, I swallow my pills (three even though the recommended dose is two) with a nice pint of Guiness Stout. Yowza! Not thrity minutes later I’m looped. Found myself sitting on the couch playing with my girlfriends “back massager” while watching a rerun of Friends. If that isn’t a sure sign that I’m stoned… nothing is.

The funny thing is that when I sat down to write my rant that I’d been building up to (video card crap), I couldnt do it. I felt all “warm and cozy” on the couch and ended up watching TV instead. And it wasn’t ESPN!
My advice to all of you:

Heed the warning labels! You never know WHAT derranged state you may find yourself in!

Mellow man…
Mr. Grapple