The Bitchslap / Llama Fortress

lla�ma (l� m ) n.
1. A domesticated South American ruminant mammal (Lama glama) related to the camel, raised for its soft, fleecy wool and used as a beast of burden.
2. A domesticated child/young adult new to the Internet/IRC and/or Games. Usually found roaming Yahoo and/or AOL chat rooms. Related to and behaves closely to a ‘lamer’. Opposite of the ‘L337’

If you are reading this article chances are you are at 3DGN, and that you are therefore a gamer of some sort. There is also a chance that you, as a gamer, play multiplayer games and therefore have had encounters with various llamas during your multiplayer gaming sessions. There are two types of llamas, first, the cool animal kind who are fun to ‘play’ with, and second, the lame-10-year-old-with-a-computer kind we will focus on the latter. Llamas can range from funny to pitiful to completely annoying. I have been playing multiplayer games for a long time and I have met hundreds of llamas in my day. Since some of my first llama encounters were during my Team Fortress days I decided to compile a short list of ‘classes’ for llamas.

The ‘Player’
You gotta feel a bit sorry for these guys, they pretty much know nothing about the game they are trying to play. Hell, they can’t even rename themselves, let alone find the chat key, so therefore don’t bother trying to have conversations with these guys unless they say something first.

The ‘Spammer’
‘Spamming’ in games of TF is usually considered as tossing a lot of grenades in empty areas hoping to kill/injure someone. Although some of these ‘spammers’, whom I am talking about, tend to be caught in the act of spamming grenades, they are more often caught spamming text. For example, in one game of Counterstrike I was running along with this one guy on my team when we were ambushed by a guy with a M249 (aka Bigass-gun-that-you-run-quickly-away-from-when-you-have-a-pistol-and-3-shots-left) and were killed promptly. Afterwards my teammate suddenly starts spamming to me “you idiot you let us die you fag you got me killed you are such a faggot” over and over and over again.

The ‘Whiner’
Ever notice that people always try to blame something for them losing? Don’t worry, we all do it sometimes but these llamas do it constantly. “DAMN PING IS TOO HIGH!” “Your ass would have been mine if I wasn’t lagging so much!” “TEAMS ARE UNBALANCED MY TEAMATES SUCK!” “My computer is too slow!” “MY GUN WOULDN’T RELOAD!” “My team sucks it’s not my fault.” and so on and so forth.

The ‘Cheater’
Don’t cheaters piss you off? Like really now, does anyone suck so much that they must resort to cheats to win? One multiplayer game with a lot of cheaters is Counterstrike cheats from swapping player models to headshot scripts have been seen around the servers. One word can pretty much sum up these guys, lame, they wreck the game for others and are a general nuisance.

The ‘Caps Llama’
These guys, while closely related to the Mexican whooping llamas, either have broken keyboards or are retarded. They oftentimes cannot spell and are frequently combined with another one of the llama classes. (i.e. “I WILL PWN YOU ALL!!”)

The ‘Elitist’
I’m pretty sure we’ve all met some cocky bastards such as these, with the ‘leeter than thou’ attitude. Some will tell people to change teams (if it’s a team game) so that the odds will be against him, some will just be an ass and automatically think they are better than you. Computer geeks are notorious for being stubborn, so just to be safe, don’t start an argument with these guys (unless of course you know more than them).

The ‘hax0r’
Don’t get me going about these guys they think they know so much about ‘hacking’ but really they know close to nothing. I’ve met countless script kiddies that probably couldn’t tell the difference between a network card and a motherboard. These guys say things like “I WILL HAQ YOU!” or “I got my finger on the nuke button right now” in order to intimidate you. While really they are pathetic and most likely use winnuke or try to ping flood you. (Yes, I’ve had people ping flood me I was on cable and they were on a dailup connection, take a stab at who timed out first).

I’ve pretty much given you a quick summary of the different types of llamas out there. While most are newbies, some are just asses who like to do stupid shit. All they accomplish is being annoying or else wrecking the game for others. Llamas are no fun, and if you run into one use caution, they are armed, but usually not dangerous nor old enough to be intoxicated.

“It’s not a question of how he grips it, it’s a simple matter of weight ratios.”

-Abi Huynh

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