Cunter Quake Mental Hospital: Diary of a Quake Madman by Paul2 [WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE SATIRICAL CONTENT]

Cunter Quake Mental Hospital: Diary of a Quake Madman by Paul2

[WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE SATIRICAL CONTENT]

[[This archival post dedicated to my Australian-American friend Todd White for obvious reasons. -donde]]

Disclaimer: Upon entering this ward you are likely to witness vile personal practices, foul language and various random insults. If you are of a weak disposition or you are generally a total miserable cunt, then you might as well fuck off now. Basically, if you disagree with anything here or something makes you mad, then it is what we in the “cunting’ trade call “TOUGH SHIT”. Also, if you are one of those people that have trouble working out when someone is joking, then u can cunt off as well.

As of this posting, 7,900 CUNTERS have read this page

*** WARD TEN: 1.17.1999 *** (Final Final Update)

QMH SURPRISE UPDATE:

Yes, due to popular opinion, and due to me also having something to witter on about, we have an update!

First of all, go see the demo of me in action against a totally skilled opponent on the Methane Demos page. (A slight hint of sarcasm there.) Ignore the MadMax demo, that is shite. I shall get a demo of me playing someone good, and then ask Methos to put that with the other one to give you all a better idea of my Quake ability.

Right, secondly, Methane, oops, ‘Methos’ can we have a demo of you, since you like taking the piss so much? ;)

Thirdly, to Methos again. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY SPELLING? FUCK ALL!

Fourth, well done the 3 people who made the shite UK Aimbot. Don’t listen to anyone else, anything that sets off a big argument is OK by me. J

Anyway…

NEWS JUST IN!!!!!!!!
HAS PAUL2 BEEN OUTCUNTED BY SOME SKINNY WIREPLAY CUNT CALLED AMOK?

I THINK NOT ABARDS! YOU UTTER CUNT!

A quick update here to put the record straight….

A few people have been telling me recently that I have ‘Lost it’ and I am not capable of cunting people thoroughly any more…. Well, the simple fact is, I am sick of you tiresome halfwits, and cannot be bothered making anything that may be construed as even ‘a small amount of effort’ for any of you twats. (This update being an exception)

If I go to #Quake2.uk some cunt (Not mentioning any names, but u know who u r Billox!) goes into #Q2.se and drags a load of Swedes in and expects me to just abuse them there and then. These people do not understand the rudimentary aspects of being a true cunter. There are many different ways to abuse people, but the basics of it is to get them when they are not expecting it. A newbie is the perfect target for any kind of abuse as they expect people to be polite. A good example would be:

*SomeNewbie (sadcunt@dialup.wank.com) has joined #Quake.uk
<SomeNewbie> Hello
<Paul2[moo]> ARE U SOME SORT OF FUCKING RETARD OR WOT? FUCKING FRIENDLY CUNT!
<SomeNewbie> wtf?
<Paul2[moo]> OH, FUCK OFF YOU TWAT, GO TO QUAKE.SE WHERE THEY LIKE PEOPLE LIKE U!
Etc…

This is a far cry from abusing someone who came in to actually be abused. Someone who is not going to get upset at whatever you say to them is no fun, and to be honest they are fucking boring and would probably be better off dead. Or decapitated.

Then there’s the other type who insists they are not mad when u can tell that they are. I know they are sat there all red, sweating, shaking, fists clenched, teeth grinding. But they insist on typing something back like “haha, u amuse me”

I DO NOT AMUSE YOU, YOU STUPID CUNTNECKED TWATS. I MAKE U MAD. U WANT TO BEAT ME UP AND DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME. YOU KNOW IT. I KNOW IT. WHAT IS THE POINT IN DENYING IT?

So, onto Amok… Amok is a wireplay cunter… NOT A GOOD START REALLY IS IT? ;) The other afternoon we were having a bit of a shouting contest where Amok was telling me how hard he is, and that he has a criminal record and started riots and wanted to beat me up etc. (The usual Quake nerd bollocks.) He even went to the extent of sending me a picture to show how hard he looks. Rat-faced – YES, Hard – NO. ;) Now, I have got nothing against Amok, he is actually ok and we were having a laugh for the first 15 minutes, but it got very boring as it hit the 30 minute mark and continued…. J Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, Abards (Another Wireplay cunter, who secretly idolises me.) announces I have been ‘outcunted’ and for some reason Amok believed this, and now thinks he is a true cunter.

WRONG!

Amok, if you really want to be ME so much then let me know and I shall train you in the art of timing, and insults, and caps abuse…. ;)

Oh, and Abards, STOP BEING SUCH A MOANING TWAT. FACE FACTS, WIREPLAYERS ARE FUCKING SHIT, ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE! IF YOU WANT ME REPLACED THEN TRY DO IT URSELF U UNAMUSING FUCKWIT!

On a more serious note, there was talk of a Net vs. Wireplay competition, where the good players from the Net play the good players from WirePlay. Apparently it had to be cancelled because the Wireplay team could only find 2 good players, and it was a school night so they had to go to bed early. BWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Fuck me! I amuse myself immensely.

Well, a little anyway. J

QMH NEWS:
I have found another set of Quake players who are completely shit aswell… The people who play regular netquake. Bunch of arse? OH YES INDEED!

Facts:

  1. I go on with a 200-300 ping which feels shit, and get lockups all the time
  2. I am utterly shite
  3. I STILL beat most of the LPB’s who are on
  4. That proves how very very poor they are
  5. A wireplay player would probably be better
  6. Serious
  7. I am not lying!

Anyway, I have had a look at a few websites to do with Quake, and I fell asleep, so I can’t comment on anything to do with quake at the moment.

There is some discussion on the mailing list about some NF proxy. My official opinion on it is: “If you use a proxy, you are a cunt.”

Yes.

“A cunt.”

QMH DISCUSSION:
Since u lot are so fucking boring I decided to interview myself.

<Paul2[moo]> Hello
<Paul2[moo]> Fuck off
<Paul2[moo]> What is your opinion on the quake scene at the moment
<Paul2[moo]> ARE U DEAF? FUCK OFF!
<Paul2[moo]> What do you think about the aimbots that are around at the moment?
<Paul2[moo]> I HAVE ONE AND IT IS FUN USING IT IN TEAM GAMES
<Paul2[moo]> Do you class it as cheating?
<Paul2[moo]> YES AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY
<Paul2[moo]> What about hacked Mdl’s etc?
<Paul2[moo]> I DON’T GIVE A FUCK
<Paul2[moo]> What do you think of Abards?
<Paul2[moo]> HE IS A COMPLETELY RETARDED FUCKED UP CUNT OF A INBRED HALFWITS ARSE.
<Paul2[moo]> So, you are not fond of him
<Paul2[moo]> I LOVE HIM, HE AMUSES ME IN THE SAME WAY AS WATCHING A BEE DIE WOULD DO
<Paul2[moo]> I have heard that he fancies you
<Paul2[moo] >THAT WOULDN’T FUCKING SURPRISE ME. BENT CUNT HE IS.
<Paul2[moo] I thought that too
<Paul2[moo]> What do u think about the Swedes?
<Paul2[moo]> I AM STARTING TO PREFER THEM TO THE FUCKING UK SET OF TWATS
<Paul2[moo]> The Dutch?
<Paul2[moo]> SET OF CUNTS, BUT STILL BETTER THAN THE UK WANKERS. EXER IS A GOOD QUAKE PLAYER AND HE GAVE ME A CUNTING, BUT THE UNFORTUNATE CUNT IS STILL DUTCH, THEREFORE STUPID. AND PROBABLY EXTREMELY UGLY.
<Paul2[moo]> The Germans?
<Paul2[moo]> HAKEEM’S FRIENDS? GOOSESTEPPING MORONS, ALL OF THEM!
<Paul2[moo]> The Yanks?
<Paul2[moo]> SET OF FAT PIE EATING ZOID TYPE BASTARDS WHO MOAN LIKE BITCHES WHEN THEY LOSE!
<Paul2[moo]> Have u got some sort of social problem?
<Paul2[moo]> FUCK OFF YOU CUNT
* Paul2[moo] has left the chat because you are shite

QMH TIP OF THE WEEK:
If you want to be a cunter, feel free to take over QMH and prove yourself worthy…. J Besides, Methos would be glad of the extra hits. ;)

QMH FINAL THOUGHT:
Since I was apparently quite rude on my last update, and Methos sent me a mail saying something along the lines of ‘I was expecting you to thank people etc’ or something, I thought I would do just that.

Big thanks to: Rawmeat for the ‘cunt’ training, Ledge for generally being a cunt, Zoid for being so fat it is amusing, Tyro for being simple and generally amusing material, Swedes for being cheating cunts, Americans for having the ‘ultimate wanker’ (Thresh), Methane for doing the HTML on this shitty site, Psyggrl for teaching me some Swedish abuse that has come in useful, all the people who asked me to keep QMH open. It’s tough shit, cos it’s closing, but I think there are a few people who could do something similar. And probably better.

And a big ‘FUCK YOU’ to: Everyone who gets offended easily.

And a huge ‘FUCK OFF YOU MISERABLE TWATS WHO CAN’T READ THE DISCLAIMER / WARNING ON THE WAY IN’ to the 2 people who sent me emails who were ‘disgusted’ with the site. Hehe! J

QMH COW (Cunt of the Week)
Hmmm… Now, that’s a tough one… Tyro is back online… But ignoring me, so I can’t pick on him again. Lets see… The last cunt of the week, therefore the cunt of the Millenium is..

ME!

Thank you!

Thank you all!

And goodnight!


*** WARD NINE: 12.19.1998 *** (Final Update)

QMH HEADLINE:

QMH CLOSES IT’S DOORS

Yes, it’s true! Basically… You can ALL fuck off!!!!!

QMH NEWS:
Lets see, what has happened? Methos got a demo of some German named Sniper who apparently beat the reaperbot kills record by over 150, who turned out to be cheating by turning the host_framerate down to something stupid like .01…. There is only one thing I can say about someone who is willing to sit there for something like an hour or more while everything happens soooooo slowly, just to get your name down as a quake star, and THEN goes and gets busted…

FUCKING SHITE CUNT! SERVES YERSELF RIGHT YOU DOZY TWAT!

I really hope 12 reapers come and visit him in the small hours and give him the shafting he deserves.

ALSO:
IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!! Yes indeedy! Christmas is just around the corner. I hope you have all filled in your letters to Santa, not that it makes much difference, cos’ he has just been round to my house and I gave him a right good cunting, so he is unavailable as of now. Fat jolly bastard he is. Makes me fucking sick!

Anyway, I have a lot planned for Christmas, but all of it seems to revolve around alcohol, curries and women. I plan on playing no Quake whatsoever, unlike you lot who will have already filled in your letters to Santa for your P2 450’s, Riva TNT’s, extra RAM etc. I shall not be on IRC, and I won’t be getting my mail. I shall be in the pub. Pissed. Extremely. So leave me alone. Go out or something. Meet people. You cunts.

More news…
I have had a few duels with MOO’s new member Billox. He is a good Quake2 player, and surprisingly is also quite good at Quake. He is the one who got thoroughly cunted by that cunter Thresh a while ago on Quake 2. Well, the main news is… I found someone else I can beat. Though, I reckon it will only be a couple of months before he is cunting me around like everyone else does. J

QMH DISCUSSION
A certain UK Quake player has been pestering me to give him the chance to moan about people on this page, and since he is my DM4 Mentor and Warez provider, I shall give him that chance on this (My last) update.

<Paul2[moo]> hello
<Carn> hallo
<Carn> i have gone all shy, i don’t know what to say now

<Paul2[moo]> Well, talk about your mother. Was she a big part of your childhood?
<Carn> no, i didn’t know her
<Paul2[moo]> oh, i do, she is nice, and she does this trick with her bum… but, you don’t need to know that
<Carn> no i do not
<Paul2[moo]> ok then, who would you like to complain about?
<Carn> i want to talk about Hakeem-cunt0r, the largest arrogant bl33ter in the land, along with Timber. Cunt0rs, think they are cool, but they r not. They r good at quake but not much else
<Paul2[moo]> yes, i have met hakeem. He is not good at the beer thing
<Carn> He is supposed to be ok in *real* life but, on IRC and stuff he blows goats
<Paul2[moo]> timber is the worse one though, little stroppy fuckarse he is. He needs to go over someones knee and get some niceness slapped into him or some man-juice pumped into him from Kelbv or something
<Carn> yes, they r both terrible bl33ters. Think they rock cos they play for a german clan. Where is the coolness in that?
<Paul2[moo]> germans, huh, THEY BOMBED OUR CHIPPY, cunts!
<Paul2[moo]> i think hakeem should spend more time in the pub
<Carn> I think he needs to goto electrocution lessons
<Paul2[moo]> yes, everytime he says madskillz he gets 50,000 volts through his bollocks
<Carn> or just every time he breathes, yes
<Paul2[moo]> that would be difficult with timber, we shall have to wait until they drop first
<Carn> Yes Timber has gone downhill at a dramatic rate, he used to be pleasant
<Paul2[moo]> i would like to see zoid go down a hill at a dramatic rate, see if anything could stop him
<Carn> but now it’s ‘I could beat you if I had a 999 ping’
<Paul2[moo]> timber DID used to be pleasant yes. Say to timber “FUCK OFF YOU JUMPED UP LITTLE SHAFTY ARSED RUNT” he likes that
<Carn> don’t be on the same channel as me cos I’m Timber and I play for a German clan
<Paul2[moo]> yes
<Carn> R they closet germans or something? Do they secretly dress up like Germans in their spare time?
<Paul2[moo]> hakeem cannot be german as germans can drink beer, timber is not old enough to be german
<Carn> yes but maybe he yearns to be wot alas he cannot
<Paul2[moo]> i saw him when i visited fusion to laugh at people and he is tiny
<Carn> as in ‘ickle’?
<Paul2[moo]> u know those Troll things? He is like one of those but smaller… and uglier. He was sat on one of those baby high chairs so he could reach the pc
<Carn> With a cushion under his bottom, as he didn’t want to chafe his soft arse
<Paul2[moo]> yes, and he didn’t use a mouse, he had a rattle shaped joystick and one of those Fisher Price toys with the phone and everything on. He used the big buttons on that to control it, everytime it went ‘ding’, he shafted someone
<Carn> And a monitor so his mum could hear him
<Paul2[moo]> yes, to make sure he was behaving. Apparently, when he won the final against Nightwing, he needed his nappy changing cos it had been thoroughly shat in
<Carn> What a strange coincidence that it was dm4 in the final. And, speaking of coincidences, DN seem to have had a rather easy time of it in the UKCL cup, Strange that, Melee running it…. What clan is he in again?
<Paul2[moo]> erm.. QPD?
<Carn> no
<Paul2[moo]> oh, they are dead now
<Carn> do QPD still exist?
<Paul2[moo]> As a memory, a distant long gone ‘no good anymore’ memory. QL?
<Carn> no
<Paul2[moo]> oh, they are dead also
<Paul2[moo]> DN?
<Carn> yes
<Paul2[moo]> SHURELY SHOME MISHTAKE!!!
<Carn> So many ‘coincidences’ in Quake now. It’s a barrel of ‘coincidences’

And there’s more:
After a lengthy discussion about 4K, aimbots, shafting and hacked QW clients, he came out with this, which made me almost piss myself laughing. For some reason. (I have a VERY dry sense of humour.)

<Carn> shall i tell u what this new qwclient does
<Paul2[moo]> yes
<Carn> i don’t know
<Paul2[moo]> oh

That’s it.

QMH TIP OF THE WEEK:
A serious tip here for those who keep getting fucked over on the FFA servers by people as crap as myself, get yourself some Omicrons, go away and practice, and come back when you have learnt how to hit the floor with a rocket. ;) Or there’s always Wireplay. Have fun.

QMH THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:
Christmas is coming
Zoid is still fat
He should try a diet
The dozy fat twat

ASK AUNTY PAUL2:
Dear Aunty Paul2,
Recently I have had a disturbing problem. I have started to play Quakeworld. Unfortunaly it seems that everyone else is better than me. Even people with names like “Plod” and “Lavadipper”. Some people tell me it is just because I am a quake2 lamer, but what I really want to know is if there is any way at all that I can improve my game?
Thanks in advance
Billox

Aunty Paul2 replies:
Billox, what you need to do is practice. Playing Quake 2 you do not need to practice, as 99% of the people there are utter shite, so you will always look good. QuakeWorld is full of cunts, but most of them are rather good, especially compared to me. What you need to do is go to a pub, drink 5 pints of lager and 5 pints of cider, eat 20 packets of peanuts, then go have a Chicken Madras, with 5 bottles of cheap Indian lager. None of this will have any effect on your Quake abilities, but it would do TWO things…. Get you out of the house for once, and get you meeting people, therefore probably making you care a bit less about whether you can beat people at that stupid game. And it would also give me a good laugh knowing the suffering you would endure the next morning. Especially the ‘peanut squitters’.
Paul2

QMH COW (Cunt of the Week)
Somebody called Apex apparently wants to beat me up, because I am ‘A mouthy little shit.’ This is coming from some braindead 16 or 17 year old, at college, who has never met me. He does indeed seem like a complete cunt, therefore he is bestowed the honor of ‘CUNT OF THE WEEK’. I also hope his arse gets cancer and falls off. Also, if he died over Christmas I would find that reasonably amusing.

Also POL-POT would deserve the title but he is hardly worth mentioning as he goes to one of those posh schools, and probably gets more attention than he needs already, from the older boys. Poor twat.


*** WARD EIGHT: 12.06.1998 ***

QMH HEADLINE:

MAILING LIST SPAM SHOCKER

Apparently a few known people have been sending mindless spam along to the Quake.uk mailing list. This spam, apart from the general wank, seems to often be based around cows and the ‘moo’ word. I interviewed one of the spammers on IRC the other day, and it went like this.

<Paul2[moo]> I believe you have been sending spam to the mailing list and upsetting the people there?
<Paul2[moo]> YES I HAVE
<Paul2[moo]> Why do you do it when you know it annoys people?
<Paul2[moo]> MAINLY BECAUSE THE LIST IS A LOAD OF FUCKING BORING WANK AND IT JUST SEEMS TO BE PEOPLE TRYING TO BE CLEVERER THAN EACH OTHER JUST BY KNOWING HOW CUNTING RATE TIES IN WITH FPS AND FLOODS TWATTING MODEMMERS OFF OR SOME SUCH SHITE!
<Paul2[moo]> I agree.
<Paul2[moo]> SHUT UP YOU CUNT
* Paul2[moo] has quit IRC (OK then)

I have also interviewed the main Spammer of the list, but that manages to get in the QMH Interview bit.

QMH NEWS:
This is getting harder and harder for me now because I don’t pay the slightest bit of attention to what is going on in the world-wide Quake scene so I have had to crawl through a few of the other Quake related sites….. And this is what I come up with….

ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL! THERE IS NOTHING INTERESTING ANYWHERE!

I found some good pr0n though.

Something I can definitely inform you of is that Clan Moo are doing very well. We have so far managed to TOTALLY avoid playing anyone at all. WELL DONE MOO! THAT IS WHAT A QUAKE CLAN SHOULD BE LIKE!

Another thing is, this will be one of the last wards to open at QMH, since ideas are actually running a little thin now. If anything happens that I can really take the piss out of, then I shall. However, I am fed up of mentioning the Swedes. Set of cunts they are.

QMH INTERVIEW:
<Paul2[moo]> I am doing an update for QMH
<Phord> cool!
<Paul2[moo]> and i am interviewing the mindless spammers of the mailing list
<Phord> hhehe! hoorah! about time!
<Paul2[moo]> i have already interviewed myself so, there is only you and lecter left
<Paul2[moo]> so, Phord, can u answer me some questions?
<Phord> No, you’re a cunt.
<Paul2[moo]> oh, ok then
<Phord> Oh very well…
* Phord sighs
<Paul2[moo]> that terminates this interview thank you very much
<Phord> no, please… Thank-Ya!
<Paul2[moo]> ok
* Phord sits up straight
<Paul2[moo]> do you, Phord, admit to spamming the quake.uk mailing list?
<Phord> It wasn’t me – i’m in full time employment and don’t have the time to spam. Honest.
<Paul2[moo]> YOU LIE BOY!
<Phord> darn!
* Paul2[moo] slaps Phord in the head
<Phord> Rumbled!
<Paul2[moo]> do you, Phord, admit to spamming the quake.uk mailing list?
<Phord> Yes goddamit! it’s twoo it’s twoo
<Paul2[moo]> ok then, why do you do it when you know it annoys people?
<Phord> …because I know it annoys people – and it’s the only way to stop all that mindless drivvel about FPS and RivaTNT cards
* Phord scratches his nads
* Phord scratches Paul2’s nads
<Paul2[moo]> what about the poor modemmers who come on at night and have to sit there for a whole extra 30 seconds, because of your ‘inconsiderate’ spam
<Phord> They need a royal beasting – get a job and an ISDN line you worthless fuckers!
<Paul2[moo]> ok then….
<Phord> ….
* Phord waits with anticipation…
<Paul2[moo]> what about the people who don’t want to open a mail that just says ‘MooOOooOOooOOooOOooOOooOOooOOooOOooOOooOOooOOooO’?
<Paul2[moo]> or indeed ‘fuck off’
<Phord> Surely the brotherhood of Moo could supply some sort of Bovine filter…?
<Paul2[moo]> no, fuck that!
<Phord> but then, whats the point?
<Paul2[moo]> yes exactly
<Phord> zackly! Fuck that!
<Paul2[moo]> i think they deserve it
<Phord> well, they do! MoOoOOOO! The best mails are the ones that say “MoOoOOooOoO!”
<Paul2[moo]> indeed
<Phord> especialy in replying to cunt0rs that complain about “MoOOOooOO”
<Paul2[moo]> in light of this new evidence of our superiority, I may post a few more today
<Phord> well – if you didn’t then you’re a cunt (apparently)
<Paul2[moo]> We should think up lots of titles like “Help needed urgently” so every cunt opens them and give false names in the ‘reply to’ bit
<Phord> ahhh good plan. you are indeed wise (bald, but wise) (a cunt, but bald) (and northen) (but still a cunt) ahem
<Paul2[moo]> LONG HAIRED FUCKER i think that should do for this interview
* Phord gibs Paul2
<Phord> fuck you! i thought this was an interview!
<Paul2[moo]> thank u very much for your worthless time, u student looking cunt0r
<Phord> <– FUCK OFF YOU SHITE SWEDISH TWAT
<Phord> heheh
<Paul2[moo]> heh
<Phord> the pleasure was all mine :)

QMH TIP OF THE WEEK:
GL problems? I worked out how to get rid of all unwanted GL/3DFX effects.

In Windows explorer, find your Quake folder. Press CTRL and keep it pressed, click on glquake.exe and glqwcl.exe, (This could also be a good time to click on the CTF and the TF folders.) release CTRL, press D then press ENTER.

SORTED!

(Don’t forget to immediately empty the recycle bin.)

QMH THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:
ZOID… FUCKING FAT CUNT! NEEDS TO GET OUT AND GO FOR A RUN OR SOMETHING INSTEAD OF SAT ON THAT HUGE ARSE ALL DAY WRITING SHITE.

ASK AUNTY PAUL2:
No twat sends me letters in, so you can all fuck off if you think I am gonna sit here and make anything else up for you set of lazy cunts.

QMH COW (Cunt of the Week)
Close one…. I would have to give this weeks COW to…

The U.S.A!!!

/me rolls up the Flaps and Stripes and play some crap twat of a record.

God bless America, in all its Cuntish glory!!!!!!!


*** WARD SEVEN: 11.26.1998 ***

QMH HEADLINE:

THRESH = CUNT

Yes, it is true. It has finally been proven. Remember on the last update, that the search engine thingy can tell Methos what people are searching for when they end up at his site? Well here are the rankings this week:

#1 Search Word is “Methos”
#2 Search Word is “Quake”
And joint #3 are “Cunt” AND “Thresh”

QMH NEWS:

Swedes and Quake:
I have worked out why the Swedes are good. (Besides the aimbots.) It is because in Sweden there is absolutely fuck all to do. To see what I mean, just look on a Swedish server, any time of day. Stacked to the tits with cunts they are. All the time. Yes indeed.

Half-Life:
If you want some proper news for once, I had the good fortune to play Half-Life yesterday, (Thank you O’ Great ‘DM4 Cunting Bloke’ One who can shag my sister if he wants) and I can really say, it seriously rocks, on a big scale. But I think I need a faster PC than this P200 to play it on, the Quake2 tossers will have a field day with it, with their P3 600’s etc. My favourite thing on the game is getting a scientist near a wall and shooting him in the head… The entire wall gets splattered with blood behind him. The crowbar is also seriously amusing. Haven’t had a go on Multiplayer yet as my software key seems dodgy… Any help here appreciated…. J

Shoot n’ Surf:
Also, there is a meet on soon in London, the SNS (Shoot n’ Surf) All-nighter. There are a few people looking forward to this, some even more so as there is probably going to be an acrobatic display by SMASH, as he cartwheels down the steps. ;) It is more of a ‘meet up and get pissed up’ night than a Quake night. I am likely to be showing my face there for a few hours, then going off clubbing somewhere before I have to witness the disturbing sight of all the Quakers being pissed, being sick or falling asleep and dribbling all over the place. I have witnessed this before due to the No-Mad-Drinking-SkillZ of Mr SK_Hakeem, (]0[ Cobra deserves a mention here, but he is only young and he also had a spliff before he went out, so he is let off.) and let me tell you it is not a pretty sight. If SNS have the slightest bit of brainpower they will go and get lots of shandy or lemonade to sell to these people, and they should make lots of profit. It is an invite only meet, so basically, you can all FUCK OFF. YOU AIN’T COMING! HA!

QMH SPECIAL FEATURE:

THE QMH QUICK QUAKE QUIZ

The easy way to find out the answer to the question: What sort of Quaker are you?
Please answer all questions.

1: What is your favourite pastime?

    1. Social stuff, Pubs/women/men etc
    2. Playing computer games
    3. Stood on the quad ledge on DM3 holding the fire button letting the aimbot do all the work
    4. Learning how to play Quake
    5. Just doing everything as slow as possible

2: How do you spend your weekends?

    1. Meeting friends, going to pubs, curries
    2. Playing computer games
    3. Stood on the quad ledge on DM3 holding the fire button letting the aimbot do all the work
    4. On a ffa quake server getting killed 0.3 seconds after spawning
    5. Waiting for a weapon to change

3: What sort of PC do you have at home?

    1. Just a normal one, nothing fancy. (Or none.)
    2. Top of the range PC, Playstation, Nintendo64, Sega MegaDrive, Gameboy
    3. A hurdy schmurgen P2 400 fitta special
    4. Don’t know, I just click on an icon and Quake starts, that’s all I know.
    5. IBM Mainframe Pentium9 780, Quad Voodoo III’s 1024Mb ram 512Mb cache

4: When you play Quake on a server what is the most popular comment by other people?

    1. =) or :)
    2. Don’t know, too much into the game to notice
    3. Sven, vere du get de aimbot vrom? Eet muchen better van mine.
    4. FFS! TYPE READY YOU CUNT!!! Or “Are you using the keyboard?”
    5. Yes! I am the best! You will eat my rocket! (And various other lame brags.)

5: When you play Quake what is the most popular comment by you?

    1. =) or :)
    2. I never type a comment, I am too busy concentrating.
    3. Hallo, I am Sven, we play without Quad on DMM3
    4. :-( NOT AGAIN!!!? How do you do it? It must be the ping! That 10ms makes a lot of difference.
    5. HAHAHA! YOU ARE CRAP! I AM THE BEST! (And other lame shite.)

6: What sort of mouse do you use for Quake?

    1. Dunno, just a normal one that came with the PC
    2. I use a trackball and joystick to give me control on every angle
    3. Don’t need a mouse, the aimbot does all the aiming
    4. Mouse? For Quake? You must be joking, strafing’s hard enough!
    5. 4 button, state of the art logitech with wheel, and integrated 3DFX Voodoo1

Right, make a note of your answers then work out what sort of Quaker you are:

Mostly A’s: You are a rather normal guy/girl, u r just unfortunate enough to be a general Quake person, therefore, you are still a cunt. But I would be quite happy to stand in a pub with you and get pissed.

Mostly B’s: You are a proper computer game fanatic. You are a cunt, you take it all too seriously, you will always be a cunt, and NO WAY would I go to a pub with you, even once you are old enough to get in. Which will probably be a long time away.

Mostly C’s: FUCKING CHEATING SWEDISH CUNTS! I TOLD YOU ALL NOT TO COME HERE! PUBS? HA! YOU ARE ALL TO BUSY AT HOME MASTURBATING OVER CHILD PR0N!!! MUMBLE MUMBLE etc.

Mostly D’s: Ummm…. Choice of 2 here… You are either extremely new to quake and therefore are extremely shite, or the other possibility is, you are a top class WirePlay player. But there is still a chance that you would be a normal person, so a pint is called for in this case also.

Mostly E’s: Oh dear. Spot the Quake2 cunter. You will have no money left for the pub because you spend it all on shite hardware. CUNT.

QMH INTERVIEW:
I had the good fortune to bump into this nice Norwegian guy on the #Quake2.uk channel the other day. I have edited out some of the conversations of other people in-between…

*** [AtA-SpideR] (spider@ti07a61-0061.dialup.online.no) has joined #quake2.uk
<Paul2[moo]> HELLO SPIDER, WELCOME TO QUAKE2.UK, THE CHANNEL OF UTTER SHITE
<[AtA-SpideR]> stuck caps ehh? :)
<Paul2[moo]> NO, THROUGH CHOICE, NOW FUCK OFF
<[AtA-SpideR]> sure… on u?
<Paul2[moo]> SHUT UP U CUNT, mooOOooOOoo
<Paul2[moo]> HELLO, I WISH THEY WOULD LET ME BACK IN QUAKE.UK, IT IS SHIT HERE
<Apprentice> you got banned from quake.uk?
<[AtA-SpideR]> paul…so WHY are u here then? ass brain
<Paul2[moo]> SPIDER, FUCK OFF AND DIE SLOWLY SOMEWHERE U RETARDED HALFWIT
<Apprentice> can’t think why
<Paul2[moo]> INBRED TWAT, “ASS BRAIN”?
*** Billox (Billox@mmc-gw.mmcltd.co.uk) has joined #quake2.uk
<Paul2[moo]> ‘A1’ ABUSE THERE
<Billox> Hello, PAUL2
<Paul2[moo]> HELLO ‘ASS BRAIN’
<Billox> ARE YOU STUCK IN HERE?
<Paul2[moo]> I AM OFFENDED, SOMEONE CALLED ME A RUDE NAME, CAN HE BE BANNED FOREVER PLEASE?
<[AtA-SpideR]> lol
<Paul2[moo]> EVEN IF JUST FOR USING ‘ASS BRAIN’ AS AN ATTEMPTED INSULT?
<[AtA-SpideR]> what did u drink for breakfast??
<Billox> WHO CALLED YOU A RUDE NAME FUCKWIT?
<Paul2[moo]> FUCK OFF CUNTKNUCKLE

(Cuntknuckle is � by someone on the Quake mailing list.)

<[AtA-SpideR]> u are nothing but a little fag sitting back a comp screen
<Paul2[moo]> SOME UNIMAGINATIVE HALF-BREED BETWEEN SWEDE AND TYR0 SHITEHAWK
<[K]ToKsiN> ill give you a fucking rude name you arse bandating cake eating pie poking donut punching uphill gardening marmite mining dirtbox riding dick head :)
<Paul2[moo]> THAT OLD CHESTNUT? that’s much better toksin
<[AtA-SpideR]> btw: I am not a swede
<Paul2[moo]> U SOUND LIKE ONE, CUNTER
<[AtA-SpideR]> billox..u know this fag?
<Billox> LOL, HE IS PAUL2
<Paul2[moo]> BILLIOX, DO U KNOW THIS MERABLE CUNTER?
<[K]Sephiroth> Everyone knows Paul. :-)
<Billox> FAG OF FAGMEISTERS
<Paul2[moo]> DO U KNOW THIS MISERABLE CUNTER? HE IS AN UTTER TWAT AND I HOPE HE DIES TONIGHT FROM HEAD CANCER
<[AtA-SpideR]> I THINK I AM GOING TO START USE CAPS-LOOK TOO!! SO NICE
<Paul2[moo]> spider, stop using caps, it is rude and people class it as shouting
<Billox> CAPS LOCK IS TRADEMARK OF PAUL2
<Paul2[moo]> some people even claim that it gives them a headache
<Billox> UNLESS YOU BUY A LICENSE
<[AtA-SpideR]> paul…I feel sory for u..if we meet in real life..u are fucked
<Paul2[moo]> SINCE I CANNOT SPELL MISERABLE
<Paul2[moo]> I AM FUCKED? BY A WANKER LIKE U? I THINK NOT. SPIDER, IT IS THE LAME TWATS LIKE YOU THAT GIVE IRC A BAD NAME
<[AtA-SpideR]> PAUL!!! GO FUCK A COW!! LIKE U USED TO DO WHEN U WERE A KID!! FUCKING LOSER!!!
<Paul2[moo]> NOW FUCK OFF SOMEWHERE AND GO BE QUIET, HEH, ARE U GETTING MAD?
<Paul2[moo]> OI!, SPEAK TO ME CUNTER, ARE U GETTING MAD?
<[AtA-SpideR]> YES!!! FUCK U!
<Paul2[moo]> HAHAH! CRAP CUNT, U R REALLY SHITE NORMALLY TAKES LONGER THAN THIS
<[AtA-SpideR]> AND U ARE REALLY FUCKED!!!
<Paul2[moo]> YES? HOW WILL U FUCK ME?
<Billox> Persecuting foreigners is fun
<[K]ToKsiN> SO PAUL2, U USED TO FUC COWS AT AN EARLIER AGE?
<Paul2[moo]> APPARENTLY
* Paul2[moo] loves getting new material…
<Paul2[moo]> OI, CUNTER, HAVE U GONE FOR UR TABLETS?
<[AtA-SpideR]> PAUL2…GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER..U LIKE IT DONT U??
<Paul2[moo]> YES, NOT AS MUCH AS I LIKE FUCKING UR GRAN THOUGH
<[EED]DNM> Hey his mum’s quite good actually
<Paul2[moo]> THE MOULDY OLD BAT
<[EED]DNM> She charges way too much though, good BJ though
<[AtA-SpideR]> PAUL2,,MY GRAN IS DEAD…PERVERT!
<Paul2[moo]> YES, HENCE. MOULDY, FUCKARSE
<[K]Sephiroth> rofl
<Apprentice> hehe
<Paul2[moo]> SPIDER
<[EED]DNM> Paul2 – I hear your mum’s gone legit? Whores Inc.
<Paul2[moo]> ARE YOU CRYING?
<Paul2[moo]> YES, WWW.FISTING.COM
<[AtA-SpideR]> LETS CONTINUE THIS WHEN I GET HOME…BABY FUCKHEAD…TINY GAY FAG BEHIND A COMP SCREEN TYPING NASTY WORDS…BUT IIN REAL LIFE…DAMN WATH A FAG U ARE!!!
<Paul2[moo]> DNM, 1ST THING SHE DID IS ENROL UR FATHER AS ‘CHIEF ANAL’
<[EED]DNM> Mind you a mother that fat, you’d need 20000×30000 res to fit one of her tits in
<Paul2[moo]> SHUT IT CUNTER
<[AtA-SpideR]> SHUT IS ASSHOLE
<Paul2[moo]> WHAT WOULD U DO IF WE MEET? U WOULD FALL OVER COS I WOULD PULL YOUR LEGS OFF
<[AtA-SpideR]> I WOULD SHOOT U!! FOR FUN!
<Paul2[moo]> CUNT, HELLO QUAKE2’S TYR0
<[AtA-SpideR]> ASSHOLE..MOTHER FUCKER!!
<[K]Sephiroth> New update for your page, Paul. :-)
<[EED]DNM> Blimey, I wondered why my dad had been exhumed…
<Paul2[moo]> YET ANOTHER FUCKWITTED INBRED BRAINDEAD TWAT
<Paul2[moo]> seph, indeed!
<[K]Sephiroth> heh
<[AtA-SpideR]> FUCK OFF!!!! FUCK A DOG!!! CYA!
<Paul2[moo]> i needed some material
<Billox> COOL
<Paul2[moo]> I’M OFF TO DIG YER GRAN UP
<Billox> HELLO PAUL2`S READERS, Ill be famous :)
* [EED]DNM waves to the camera
<Paul2[moo]> HAVE U NOT GONE YET? U’LL MISS THE SCHOOL BUS
<[AtA-SpideR]> PAUL2…JUMP OFF A BRIDGE…LETS SE HOW HIGH U CAN BUMP
<Paul2[moo]> FUCK OFF, GO ON FUCKER. FUCK OFF AND GO HOME. I BET U R BRIGHT RED AND ALL SHAKING NOW
<[AtA-SpideR]> CYA AT HOME…..ASS***
<Paul2[moo]> STEAM COMING OUT OF UR EARS YET?
<[AtA-SpideR]> SUUUUURE…FUCK YU
*** [AtA-SpideR] has quit IRC (Leaving)
<Billox> LOL
<Paul2[moo]> heh, nice man

QMH THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:
Duels are becoming a load of arse. The ffa on barrysworld server is funny as fuck at about 5:30-6:30pm.

LATE EXTRA!!! TIMBER IS INDEED A MINI-CUNTER!
I bumped into Timber (Another SK traitor) for the first time last Saturday on IRC and I can indeed verify that he is a jumped up, bigheaded little shafting fuckwit. That’s all.

QMH WEEKLY COW (Cunt O’ the Week…M00)
It’s a hard decision this week…. Those cunting Swedes keep making big efforts to get mentioned, especially that NerdKiller twat, but this weeks winner is..

Nightwing. FOR THAT SHITTY LAME ‘BAN FOR SPAM’ BOT THAT HE HAS PUT ON QUAKE.UK. FUNNY FACED LITTLE CUNT!

Take a step forward Mr. Nightwing!!! Cue: Thunderous applause….

Sorry Timber, maybe once you are a bit older…. J


*** WARD SIX: 11.17.1998 ***

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPOOKIE YOU OLD CUNT!
I hope you get everything you asked for, although the gimp suit may be a bit too expensive for a birthday. Never mind, there’s always Christmas!

QMH HEADLINES:

SuperCunter Paul2 gets into a Quake Clan Horror!!!

Yes, some braindead arse called Dr Lecter (Name says it all.) allowed me into the newly reformed Brotherhood of Moo. (Moooooooooooooooooooooo) The main thing I cannot understand about this happening is, that Lecter has seen me play! Moo have been around a long time and have some fairly class players…. Such as… erm… Anyway, like I said they have been around a long time. J

Also, if you would like to challenge Moo to a friendly, then you can FUCK OFF!

We are hoping to have a section of us go into the UKNCC, and I think the other section go straight into the UKCL. I don’t really plan on playing much, but if I get chance I would like to play for the UKNCC part because that is full of people who are shortly going to be going over to Quake2 or Wireplay soon. i.e. SHITE!

Seriously though…. Oh, I was being serious. Buggeryfuck!

QMH NEWS:

METHOS A CUNT? THE DEBATE CONTINUES

Apparently, Methos has some program that lets him know what people have searched for when his site pops up on a search engine. The 1st most popular word that leads people to his site is ‘Quake’. The 2nd most popular word is ‘Methos’. Can you guess the 3rd most popular word that leads someone to his site?

Yes, the word ‘cunt’. I am not sure if it is the amount of time that the word ‘cunt’ appears on this page or if it is just because the Internet is developing a sort of artificial intelligence and it actually knows Methos is a cunt.

However, if you are a net-surfer who was looking for a bit of sex, then you might be interested in http://www.gooutandtrypullingarealbirdforonce.com

TIMBER LEAVES QPD

So what? It’s not as if he was any good or anything.

HAKEEM IS A TRAITOR

Hakeem has decided that the UK is not good enough for him and he has gone to some dodgy German clan. Pre-match warm ups now consist of goosestepping around the room, shouting pro-nazi propaganda, and making nice comments about German dictators.

SWEDES ATTEMPT TO ABUSE ME

Recently for some reason Swedes have been coming into the Quake.uk channel and either claiming to have aimbots, or trying to abuse me in a personal message window. Lunatic actually had quite a good go at getting on the page again, but it failed. Sorry. And as for the Swedes claiming to have aimbots. WE KNOW YOU HAVE THEM! WE JUST DON’T WANT THEM YOU CUNTS!

QUAKE2.UK DEVELOPES A SENSE OF HUMOUR

Here is a log sent to me courtesy of Opless….

<Opless> is it true that q2 players dont/can’t use a mouse?
<FED^CrazyFace> yes
<rauper> opless: what’s a mouse dood?
<FED^MentAlisT-> ?
<FED^CrazyFace> we all use top gun joysticks
<FED^MentAlisT-> lol rauper
<[UNR]Tasan> i use my usb speakers
<rauper> hahahah
<[sAn]Reactor> I use a joypad
<[7th]Huz|syg> gamepad is the only controller for Q2
<{AbFab}Cheese> who needs mice when you can use gamepads?
<rauper> I use a steering wheel
<[7th]Huz|syg> yea :)
<[sAn]Reactor> I have a touchscreen
<[rw]cro> hmmm.. mouse? keyboard? keyboard everytime…
<rauper> and pedals
<rauper> I use a steering wheel

Made me laugh anyway, especially the pedals bit. He also sent me this…

<{AbFab}Cheese> quake1? what’s that?
<[sAn]Reactor> I played yesterday
<[sAn]Reactor> got me arse kicked in FFA as always
<[sAn]Reactor> f
un tho
<{AbFab}Cheese> yeah, happened to me last time I tried it
<{AbFab}Cheese> way too fast

Way too fast? Yes, maybe for your retarded brain. Stick it on FOV 120, it looks even faster then. J

PAUL2 GETS 3DFX SPANK BOUGHT BY WORK

Yes, all you people at home struggling along on your P120’s, saving up for some extra RAM so you can run Quake from Windows95… I actually talked work into getting me a new graphics card, and went out and bought a VoodooII. BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! My employer rocks on a large scale! This leads to…

PAUL2 HAS A GO AT QUAKE2 SHOCKER!

Yes, I have been having a go at Quake2, which DOES look nice with VoodooII but it still plays too damn slow. I have found a way to relieve the boredom though… I go for a cup of coffee in-between weapon changes. I also unplug my mouse, and hide behind teleporters shooting people in the back of the head with the railgun.

BTW, it’s still a total bag of 3DFX powered rats cocks.

QMH TIP OF THE WEEK:

Swedish? Can’t help you there. Seems like you were quite simply born to be a cunt. Sorry.

QMH THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:

Tired of being beaten on Quake1 servers by Quake2 players? Tried knitting instead?

ASK AUNTY PAUL2:

Dear Aunty Paul2,
Hello. I am a young small Scottish boy. I was abused by a pit-pony as a child and have been antisocial ever since. I get picked on at school, and people regularly throw petrol at me and set me on fire, then point and laugh. I try to make friends but I seem to have this knack of making a complete arse of myself. It is completely random when it happens, but it really does make me look a complete tit.

The problem is, there is this nasty man who keeps putting stuff about me on the Internet, and it is really starting to get on my nerves. What I need to know, is how much does a professional hit cost? You know, with baseball bats, big needles, sandpaper, dettol and a gorilla?

Yours truly,
Ryto (Real name withheld)

Dear Tyro err, Ryto
Hmmm, baseball bats, dettol, gorillas… Best start saving your pocket money or get a paper round or something I think.


*** WARD FIVE: 11.08.1998 – Special Update ***

QMH HEADLINE:

Fuck All Has Happened So You Don’t Get A Cunting Headline

QMH NEWS:
Good day to you my loyal cunters.

Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time in IRC channel #Quake2.uk for some reason and the shite cunt0rs keep asking me all sorts of dumb fucking half-witted questions, like:

“What is wrong with Quake2?”

Umm…. DURRRRR!!!!! SLOW WEAPON CHANGING LAGGY 3DFX POPULATED BY CUNTERS PILE OF UTTER AND COMPLETE RATS COCKS!!!

“Why are you such a cunt?”

Fuck knows. Inbreeding or genetics I suppose.

“Why don’t you fuck off and leave us all alone?”

Because you amuse me immensely you small pathetic miserable tribe of twats. J

“What is a mouse?”

If you play Quake2 this “really” doesn’t affect you.

“Can you make FED.Ex0rcist go away?”

Well, from what I have seen so far he seem like a complete cunter, so he really does belong in #Quake2.uk.

“Who is Tyr0?”

Aha!!!! “Who is Tyr0?”….. J   Right, without further ado…

THE QMH TYR0 SPECIAL!!!
Go get a coffee or something, take a seat and allow me to explain….

Tyr0 is a complete cunter. I have no idea how he came to be such a cunt, I blame inbreeding and years of abuse and bullying at school.

The last time I updated, cunter Methos suggested I dropped the ‘Tyr0 News’ as it was getting a bit boring, and I agreed. The crap little cunt hadn’t been around for ages, and even the times when he was on IRC he seemed ‘quite normal’. Well, as normal as that anally retentive twat can be.

And then, about an hour after me and Methos had decided to drop the Tyr0 news, I got a message window pop up in IRC…

Note: This IS a genuine chat, unless someone was just pretending to be him. But if they did, they copied one of his tantrums down to a tee. So, at least it gives you an idea what he is like.

<Tyr0> i want to speak to you
<Tyr0> hello?

AHA!!! The cunter appears…

<PawlToo> what?
<Tyr0> the things you are writing about me on your page
<Tyr0> why

Oh dear… I sense a tantrum coming on at this point so I do my best to avoid a nasty confrontation…

<PawlToo> cos u r a cunt

Oops, that just sort of slipped out… anyway, I am astounded as he comes back with a witty well thought out response…

<Tyr0> no your te cunt
<Tyr0> you never met me

This is where everything starts to seem familiar… So I think of something to say that might pacify the situation…

<PawlToo> no
<PawlToo> YOU ARE THE CUNT CUNT BOY

Yes, that should do? Let’s see…

<Tyr0> and you write things about me and my gf
<Tyr0> your out of order
<PawlToo> SHAME
<Tyr0> i could sue you

WOOHOO! Things are getting better!

<PawlToo> TRY
<Tyr0> you are breaking the law
<PawlToo> REALLY?
<PawlToo> SUE ME THEN
<Tyr0> yes
<PawlToo> CUNTERHEAD

This is the ‘switch point’ for Tyr0. He can normally stay calm for a certain amount of time, but then all of a sudden goes into ‘tantrum mode’. � Tyr0

<Tyr0> icunt
<Tyr0> cunt
<Tyr0> cunt
<Tyr0> cunt
<Tyr0> cunt
<Tyr0> cunt

<PawlToo> WHAT ABOUT YOUR PING ATTACKS ON ME?
<Tyr0> your page is shite
<PawlToo> DENIAL OF SERVICE…

The most amusing thing about Tyr0’s ping attacks, is that he has a Janet connection, an I have a modem connection, and with his hax0r skills all he can manage to do is slow down my connection a bit, and flood himself off IRC. CUNTER!

Right, he went quiet for a while here, so I just waited for him to come up with a good insult…

<Tyr0> your page is shite
<Tyr0> your page is shite
<Tyr0> your page is shite

<PawlToo> U R SHITE
<PawlToo> EVERYONE ELSE LIKES MY PAGE
<Tyr0> no, you are shite
<Tyr0> n it’s shite
<PawlToo> I DON’T WRITE IT FOR YOUR APPROVAL
<Tyr0> i showed my dad and he said you we’re an imbicile

NOOOOO!!!! NOT THE DAD!!!!

<PawlToo> YES

This is getting bad now, the last thing I would want to do is upset someone’s father…

<PawlToo> WELL, UR DAD IS PROLLY AS MUCH OF A CUNT AS YOU
<Tyr0> it’s a shame your plain didn’t crash and you die

Ooh! Horrible little man!

<PawlToo> YES IT IS
<Tyr0> my dad could sue you for that
<PawlToo> IT’S A SHAME IT DIDN’T LAND ON UR HOUSE AND KILL UR WHOLE FAMILY
<PawlToo> CUNTER
<Tyr0> arse
<Tyr0> i can’t believe Methos let’s you write that stuff
<Tyr0> i am going to complain to him

<PawlToo> STRANGELY ENOUGH, I HAD LEFT YOU OUT OF THE LATEST UPDATE BECAUSE YOU HADN’T BEEN AS MUCH OF A CUNT
<PawlToo> HOWEVER, YOU HAVE JUST GIVEN ME LOADS OF METERIAL
<PawlToo> THANK YOU CUNT BOY

Now, I think this bit might have upset him. Read on… J

<Tyr0> i will fuckin kill you if i ever meet you
<Tyr0> you won’t be so tough then
<PawlToo> LOL
<Tyr0> i am going to stab you
<Tyr0> bastard

Are any of you people starting to see why I like this boy so much?

<PawlToo> YES
<PawlToo> TRY CUNTER
<Tyr0> you are lucky you don’t live in Glasgow
<Tyr0> i have friends who would make you disappear
<PawlToo> YES
<PawlToo> REALLY?
<Tyr0> my cousin is in the Glasgow mafia
<Tyr0> he could shoot you
<Tyr0> cunt
<Tyr0> speak to me
<Tyr0> i want an apology

This is getting serious now (Stabbings, Mafia etc) so I decided that it would probably be a good idea to apologise…. (but then I changed my mind.)

<PawlToo> FUCK OFF
<Tyr0> no you FUCK OFF
<Tyr0> are you going to the gathering?

<PawlToo> NOPE
<Tyr0> you are lucky then
<Tyr0> cunt
<Tyr0> i will be back
<PawlToo> REALLY? DON’T RUSH
<Tyr0> just apologise and we won’t take this any further

Right, fair’s fair, the lad has given me a last chance to say sorry for months of abuse, so…

<PawlToo> FUCK OFF
<PawlToo> SUCK MY COCK AND TAKE IT AS FAR AS YOU WANT

Not much of an apology but, it was the best I was willing to do under the circumstances.

<Tyr0> i’m warning you
<PawlToo> YEAH?
<Tyr0> i wouldn’t like to see you get hurt

Didn’t he just want me dead in a plane crash / stabbing / mafia style? Indecisive cunter!

<PawlToo> I AM NOT GOING TO GET HURT YOU JUMPED UP LITTLE TWAT
<Tyr0> YOU DON’T KNOW WHO YOUR DEALING WITH CUNT
<Tyr0> I AM GOING TO GET A BARRYSWORLD PAGE
<Tyr0> AND WRITE SHIT ABOUT YOU
<Tyr0> NOTHING ELSE, JUST SHIT
<Tyr0> AND CALL IT THE CUNT GETS CUNTED

That would be a popular site I bet, I would go there every day just to witness Tyr0’s own brand of wit.

<PawlToo> SHAME
<Tyr0> shame?
<Tyr0> IT WILL BE YOU ARSE

<PawlToo> YEAH?
<PawlToo> TED THE DOG AND DBs BOTH LIKE MY PAGE… YOU REALLY THINK THEY WILL GIVE A CUNT LIKE YOU WEB SPACE?

<Tyr0> THEY LIKE ME
<Tyr0> BESIDES

<PawlToo> YEAH?
<Tyr0> THINGS MIGHT HAPPEN TO THEIR SERVER AGIN
<Tyr0> THEY NO NOT TO MESS

Yes, everyone knows not to mess with Tyr0 the l33t hax0r!

That’s about it really, just a couple of things left I think…

QMH THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:
Could you imagine a Swedish Wireplay Quake2 cunter? A keyboarder that can’t even strafe yet camping behind a teleporter with an aimbot… Cool!

QMH CUNT OF THE MILLENIUM:
Any guesses? ;)


*** WARD FOUR: 11.02.1998 ***

QMH HEADLINE:

SWEDISH MASS SUICIDE SHOCKER

(Wishful thinking on my part!)

QMH NEWS:
I finally got back from Australia, the place is brilliant apart from the Australians, but I am not going to take the piss out of them because they are a set of lucky cunts for living there. I would have updated from there but I was far too busy stuck right up a Koala.

Also, when I got back I went to look at Methos’ Quake poll results… I have one grumble about it:

HOW THE FUCK DID BLUE BEAT ME AS MOST ANNOYING QUAKE PERSONALITY? IF IT HAD BEEN THRESH I WOULD HAVE HELD MY HANDS UP AND SAID `FAIR ENOUGH’, BUT BLUE???? FUCKING CUNTERS!

QMH WIREPLAY NEWS:
A lot of Wireplay cunters seem to be making the jump (Not a rocket jump, cos we all know Wireplay cunters can’t do them.) over to the Internet at the moment. This may surprise you, but this makes me very happy indeed. I got sick of the 40-0 beatings I get from net players, so a 20-0 beating makes a nice change. Basically shows how shit they are though doesn’t it? J

QMH ‘TYRO’ NEWS:
Tyro is STILL a Cunt. Stay tuned, Film at 11.

QMH OPINION:

  • Why the fuck did we send all the convicts over to Australia?

We had a big fuck off country there, nice and sunny all the time, dead warm etc, and as a punishment we send criminals over there while we have to stay here in this fucking shite place? EH? EH?

I actually had to cunting pay to go there. In the olden days I could have just run down the street naked and headbutted a policeman or something, and I would have got there for free! CUNTS!

  • Quad or no quad in duels….

WHO GIVES A SHIT? NOT ME, I NEVER GET THE CUNT ANYWAY!

That will do.

QMH TIP OF THE WEEK:
Getting too good? Get sick of beating people all the time? Seem to have an unfair advantage over everyone else? STOP USING THE MOUSE ON QUAKE2 SERVERS! IT IS NOT FAIR! NO CUNT ELSE DOES!

QMH THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:
Grow your own dope: Plant a Yank.

QMH CUNT OF THE WEEK:
Smash, followed closely by Tyro.

ASK AUNTIE PAUL2:
Dear Auntie Paul2,
I have a dilemma. The other night I was feeling randy and Kage and Kelbv were both here with me. I suggested, sort of jokingly, in case they didn’t like the idea, that we have a gang bang while watching some pr0n. Kelbv had told me many times that his anus was shaped just like a pussy and that he could even make it moisten like the real thing. To my surprise they both accepted and so I loaded sircumalot.avi on full-screen and repeat mode while we stripped off, eager to find out if Kelbv’s story was true. Kage was the first to fully undress, revealing a penis ring off of which hung a teabag label. Both wanting to see this hanging out of my ass, Kelbv and I hastened our undressing. We knew we were in for the best homosexual event of our lives. The penetration was perfect, but now, two weeks later, I have a problem. I have had an itching around my groin since that weekend but I thought perhaps it was just the new washing powder I’d bought because it was 10p cheaper than the other brands. I changed back to my old powder but the itching remains, and I have since noticed small creatures in my curly hairs. I am quite upset and feel betrayed that one of my closest friends, the special K’s, could give me such monstrous groinal squatters, but I don’t know which of the two is responsible. Worse, what if the innocent one also gained penis biters from the event and, oh god, blames me for it?

Please help me decide how I should approach this matter with the two of them. One of them is a dirty little whore, but I just don’t know which.

Yours scratchily, Nudel

Dear Scratchy: Well Nudel, you should know that Kelbv is the dirty whore, and Kage is a virgin anyway. To get rid of the unwanted ballbiters, simply cover your genitals in paraffin and set them on fire.

Dear Auntie Paul,
I find that when ever I go onto a server I get beaten at Quake. Any ideas (before you say it, using the mouse is a stupid idea). And in real life no-ones talks to me, is it because I find that I can only turn in intervals of 90degrees. And why can’t I just Rocket Jump up into the 3rd floor in Debenhams?

SuperFuzz[MA]
(the original spamming clan)

PS. Oh, and I could do a better logo for QMH if I shat onto a piece of  paper and scanned it in.

Dear Fuzznuts,
Your Quake problem is very easily cured. You have 4 basic choices:-

  1. There is the `Swedish’ approach which is simply, cheat like a cunt, download an aimbot and everything else you can get your hands on. (Remember to deny it though.)
  2. There is the `Yankee cunter’ approach: Deny that anyone is better than you, claim to be superior and more skilled even though you lose. Tell everyone you have better skills, and generally be a complete twat.
  3. Quake2! You would be welcome into the Quake2 community with open arms.
  4. Wireplay. (Of course.)

As far as the `real-life’ thing is concerned, do not worry. Most Quakers do not even know what `real-life’ is, so you are fortunate. What the fuck are you doing in Debenhams anyway you sad cunt?

Re: The logo. That is exactly how RedCelt did it.


*** WARD THREE PT2: 10.08.1998 ***

QMH HEADLINE:

MASS BRAWL ON MAILING LIST SHOCKER!!!

The quake.uk mailing list was the victim of riots the other day. Apparently it all started when someone who’s identity will remain secret (There is a prize of a cunting if you can guess.) called a complete clan (RM’s name will be kept out of it) a set of cunts. Apparently one of the clan members took this to heart, and started telling the secret person how big he was, and was rapidly followed by another clan member telling him how big HE was too. After much ruffling of feathers, and stuff, everybody went back to talking about cat pizzas or something.

QMH NEWS:
I sat here for ages trying to think of some interesting news about Quake. Because I thought that might be the sort of thing you all like, since that you are all Quake players. And then I thought, “NO! FUCK THEM! THE TOTAL CUNTS!” So today’s news is:

On Monday, October 12th, I leave Europe, to go to Australia on a ‘cunting’ expedition. I want to be the first person to cunt a Wallaby. The flight is about 26 hours altogether, but I will be happy and I will savour every second of the flight, cos’ I will be thinking “I AM NOW FURTHER AWAY FROM SWEDEN THAN I WAS BEFORE!”

No doubt when I come back I will have a few words to say about those Koala shagging Antipodean twats as well, so hang tight….

QMH WIREPLAY NEWS:
If an online gaming service could actually be a cunt, then Wireplay is that service.

QMH ‘TYRO’ NEWS:
Can you guess? YES INDEED!

He hasn’t been around this week, yet. However I know, in my own little fucked up mind, that he is most definitely the cunt by which all other cunts can be judged. If someone one day surpasses his level of cuntishness, then I will do a special tribute to them on this page.

QMH OPINION:

  • DO THE SWEDES DESERVE THE ABUSE?

Well, after numerous conversations with [S11]LunatiC, I can actually confirm, once and for all: TOO FUCKING RIGHT THEY DO!

  • DMM1 or DMM3?

WHO GIVES A CUNTING FUCK? NOT ME? DO YOU THINK I WILL BE SAT ON A BEACH SOMEWHERE THINKING, “OH, IF ONLY THE WORLD WAS DMM3…” SET OF CUNTS YOU ARE. GO OUT AND GET PISSED AND HAVE A FIGHT OR SOMETHING.

  • LEAGUE ADMINS:

Well, who have we got? Aero and Bigfoot.

Hang on, let me think…. We let THESE people run things? Well, at least we know Aero ‘No Beer’ Tus will always be sober. But BigFoot? WHAT A CUNT!!! THAT’S ALL WE NEED ISN’T IT? A FUCKWITTED SKIRT WEARING PISSED UP MOANING CUNT OF A SCOTTISH JOCK TWAT AT THE FRONT OF EVERYTHING!!!

Apparently they have asked for help with the running of the leagues. I would quite happily help out with that, apart from:

  1. I do not give a fuck about the leagues.
  2. All the clans are full to the brim of cunts, why the FUCK would I want to help that set of ungrateful zit-popping cunters?
  3. It may at some time put me in contact with a Swede.
  4. And, the thought of having to be civil to a Swede makes me physically sick.
  5. Or a Yank twat for that matter.
  6. Oh yes, the fucking Germans too. Bombed our Chippy they did you know.
  7. AND WHO HAS EVER MET A BELGIAN QUAKER? BIGGEST CUNTS OF THE LOT I CAN TELL YOU!
  8. Apart from the Swedes, of course.
  • CAMPING:

Thresh talks about getting on a ‘juice cycle’ where u get all the weapons/armor etc on a level, camping is merely a less greedy version of this. So fuck off.

Also… “JUICE CYCLE”??? WHAT SORT OF CUNTING NAME IS THAT FOR BASICALLY BEING A TWAT?

QMH INTERNATIONAL ICQ INTERVIEW:
For this weeks interview I am going to let you all in on a long running discussion I have been having with my fellow cunter Ledge over ICQ. We discuss a wide variety of topics, and argue our own points with a fiery passion, backed up by plenty of research, and general intelligent comments.

————————————–

ICQ Messages Log For:  999999 ledge
Started on Thu Oct 08 09:58:31 1998

————————————–

23/09/98 15:54 paul@work cunt

23/09/98 15:55 ledge so you say

23/09/98 16:00 paul@work it’s true cunt. see?

23/09/98 16:02 ledge you talking about yourself again?

23/09/98 16:08 paul@work no YOU, cunt

23/09/98 16:09 ledge you are mistaken, it is you that is the cunt

23/09/98 16:13 paul@work I am afraid I am not mistaken you, most definitely, are the cunt. sorry

23/09/98 16:14 ledge I don’t think that you are sorry at all

23/09/98 16:14 paul@work I am

23/09/98 16:14 ledge a cunt? yes, you are

23/09/98 16:15 paul@work no, I am sorry but I am only sorry that you are a cunt

23/09/98 16:16 ledge why?

23/09/98 16:28 paul@work I guess I pity you cos whenever I get to see a cunt close up, it is gonna get a dick shoved up it rather soon ;)

28/09/98 08:34 paul@work and what a cunt you are on this Monday morning

05/10/98 08:48 ledge you are a cunt

05/10/98 08:48 paul@work but, you are CUNTBOY

05/10/98 08:50 ledge I would accept that if it wasn’t for the fact that you seem to be THE cunt

05/10/98 08:58 paul@work I may be THE cunt but YOU are just like any other CUNT

05/10/98 09:00 ledge ah yes, but seeing as that you are THE cunt why on earth would I take any notice of anything that you have to say?

05/10/98 09:22 paul@work because you are a cunt?

05/10/98 09:22 ledge no because you are a cunt

05/10/98 09:28 paul@work oh, sorry

05/10/98 09:29 ledge yes, and so you should be, glad that is finally sorted out

05/10/98 09:30 paul@work sorted out? SORTED OUT? YOU CUNT!

05/10/98 09:30 ledge oh, look, don’t start this again it is you that is the CUNT here YOU CUNTER!

05/10/98 09:31 paul@work oh, sorry, CUNT

05/10/98 09:38 ledge NO, YOU ARE THE CUNT

05/10/98 16:53 paul@work ok, CUNT

06/10/98 08:12 ledge yes, I’d agree with that, CUNT

08/10/98 09:19 paul@work did you hear me? I said, YOU ARE A CUNT, and not just a small one

08/10/98 09:20 ledge no, you are the CUNT. when are you going to learn this?

08/10/98 09:27 paul@work I am afraid you are most misguided my aborigine cunter. YOU are the CUNT. I am merely the informer of this fact

08/10/98 09:29 ledge no no no no no, you are the CUNT, is seems you are projecting your own state of being a CUNT on to me. you should prolly see a psychologist you CUNT

08/10/98 09:32 paul@work nononononono you poor disillusioned child. All acts of complete cuntishness emanate from you. I am merely a sympathetic onlooker to your plight. I have much pity for such a cunt as you. And it is probably a ‘psychiatrist’ YOU need to see. You fucking CUNT.

08/10/98 09:34 ledge /me sighs. no, you are the FUCKING CUNT, CUNTOR

08/10/98 09:42 paul@work no, please look closely at the next line and all will be clear.
IT IS YOU WHO IS THE CUNT

08/10/98 09:42 ledge NO, FOR FUCKS SAKE WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE YOU ARE THE cunt

08/10/98 09:50 paul@work oh. sorry

08/10/98 09:50 ledge you fucking will be

08/10/98 09:51 paul@work OH YEAH? YEAH? I FUCKING WILL, WILL I?????

08/10/98 09:52 ledge fuck it I’m off to drink beer for a laugh

QMH TIP OF THE WEEK:
CTF…? Just say NO!

QMH THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:
The thought this week is donated by TOBE, and is a tribute to a close friend of his called BillyH:-

OKAY, BILLYH YOU KNOW YOU ARE A CUNT. IT SEEMED OBVIOUS TO ME LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU STILL CONTINUED TO FIND THIS SITUATION AMUSING THAT YOU WERE IN FACT SEXUALLY ABUSED AS A CHILD. I KNOW THIS IS HARD FOR YOUR LITTLE BRAIN TO HEAR RIGHT NOW AND YOU REALLY DIDN’T WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW ABOUT IT BUT THEY ALL KNEW ANYWAY.

I FOUND IT HILARIOUS LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU GAVE YOUR EXCUSE FOR BEING AN UTTER CUNT AT THE LAST ALLNIGHTER. “I WALKED ROUND LIKE A CUNT, UNABLE TO INTERACT WITH ANYONE SOCIALLY. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.” WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK GREASING SOME DOOR HANDLE WOULD HELP YOU “FIT IN?”

YOU CUNT. I HATE YOU. YOU UTTER UTTER CUNT. FUCKING TYRO IS A DECENT BLOKE COMPARED TO YOU. I HOPE YOU DIE SOON AND PAINFULLY.

TOBE

Awww… It warms the cockles of your heart doesn’t it? J

QMH CUNT OF THE WEEK:
SMASH. For obvious reasons if you have been in #quake.uk this week. Also for being named after some dried mashed potatoes.

Closely followed by [S11]LunatiC, for telling me it was illegal for me to post his drivel without his permission, and for constantly being a complete cunt. Lunatic would have got the award apart from he has the unfair advantage of being Swedish.

ASK AUNTY PAUL2:
This was supposed to be ‘ASK AUNTY KAGE’ but the cunt hasn’t done anything as yet, so I am stuck with answering your questions and sorting out your problems for this week….

 

  • <kelbv> Dear Agony Uncle Paul, I have this terrible problem, its strange how the more you get into irc, I find myself getting frustrated cos my friends from real life just sometimes don’t understand what I’m thinking, sometimes we’ll be sitting for dinner and I will want to tell them something stupid, and I do, but they neither understand what r0x0rs, sux0rs, dm4, pr0n, b0rk, cuntified or llama or lam0r mean, what should I do, your humble slave kelbv

Paul2 says: By ‘quaker’ standards you are not too bad yet. You need to worry when you actually turn your head 90 degrees to smile at someone. :-)

Seriously though Kelbv, u should probably go out and get really drunk then get into a fight and go to hospital and die. Of foreskin cancer.

 

  • <Zardoz> I don’t get to play quake online at home coz I dot have a phone line, so I play all the time at work and my life is suffering because of it. What shall I do?

Paul2 says: WHY DON’T YOU GO AND FUCK OFF YOU INBRED SON OF A CRACK-WHORE?

You can mail me with your problems if you so wish, but I will probably ignore you in the hope that you will commit suicide or something.


*** WARD THREE PT1: 10.08.1998 ***

Some People Have asked me for an Update

FUCK OFF!


*** WARD TWO: 10.04.1998 ***

MAN SAYS ‘CUNT’ ON THE INTERNET, SHOCK HORROR.

Apparently some irresponsible person has put a barrage of racist and sexist filth up onto the Internet, where it is viewable by children, humourless tarts, those retarded Americans and the fuckwitted Swedes. When asked about this disgusting behavior the guilty party was quoted as saying:

“<Methos> I am glad I did it.”

So, there we have it. It is official, Methos is a filth peddling pr0n merchant with as much conscience as a thing with very little conscience indeed.

QMH NEWS:
It seems my first page went down well with a lot of people (A bit like Tyro’s girlfriend), so here I am again. There were some people who didn’t seem to appreciate the finer points of it… Here is just one of those people who decided I would benefit from a personal message window from them:

<[s11]LunatiC> I read on youre page that all swedes cheat what do you mean with that?
<Paul2> oh FUCK OFF
<[s11]LunatiC> what? what did I say? maybe all uk players cheat then to
<Paul2> no, if we cheated we would be better
<[s11]LunatiC> so you tell me that sweden is better because they cheat
<Paul2> lunatic, do me a favour
<[s11]LunatiC> NO WAY!!!
<[s11]LunatiC> youre just jealous on swedes because they are better than you
<Paul2> erm, I am afraid not
<Paul2> everyone is better than me
<Paul2> so CUNT OFF
<[s11]LunatiC> ok, if everyone is better than you why do you write that only swedes cheat??
<[s11]LunatiC> LAMER!!!
<Paul2> DO YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH?
<Paul2> FUCK
<Paul2> OFF
<Paul2> CUNT
<[s11]LunatiC> yeah I understand english
<[s11]LunatiC> do u understand swedish?
<Paul2> NO, SO GO AND CUNT YOURSELF
<[s11]LunatiC> DRA �T HELVETE!!!!!!!! J�VLA LAMER!!!!!!!

I think that last bit is something to do with affections, and he is trying to tell me how much he appreciates me.

I also got asked, ‘How come you take the piss out of the Swedes so much?’ well I have only one answer to that. I do not see how I can be classed as ‘taking the piss out of the Swedes’ when the whole nation more or less hands it out.”

QMH WIREPLAY NEWS:
There have been lots of shock findings on the Wireplay circuit recently. The biggest surprise was when one of the players in the Wireplay community accidentally stumbled on a strange object next to his PC. It turns out this object was a mouse, and he found he could use it for turning and aiming in Quake. It must only be a matter of time before they will be binding keys to strafeleft and straferight as well. FUCKING USELESS CUNTERS!!!

Mind you, when you consider it is a group of people who would rather pay for something they can get for free, then you shouldn’t really expect a large amount of brain power to be shared among them.

QMH ‘TYRO’ NEWS:
He has not been around much recently, but I can assure you that once he shows up he will still be a half-witted cunter.

QMH OPINION:
There can never be ‘too much’ pr0n.

Wankers play Team Fortress. (I originally typed this as Team Fortress is played by wankers, but my MS Word program decided to tell me “Wankers play Team Fortress”. How the fuck did it know that?)

QMH IRC INTERVIEW:
Warning: Some (Or all) of this interview may be actually ‘not exactly truthful’.

<Paul2> Welcome to the QMH interview, Mr Sujoy
<Sujoy> Oops, hang on…
*** Sujoy is now known as God
<God> You may call me God
<Paul2> OK God
<God> Thank you
<Paul2> God, what is it like not being the best in Europe at Quake?
<God> I quite honestly have no idea at all.
<Paul2> Why is that then?
<God> It is not obvious? When the lord appeareth before thee on a duel server, thee will receive a good and proper cunting.
<Paul2> No.
<God> Yes it is.
<Paul2> No it is not.
<Paul2> Were you beaten up a lot as a child?
*Paul2 has quit IRC (Killed: Hand of God)

QMH TIP OF THE WEEK:
Hard drive is getting full? Not enough space left for animal pr0n etc? Follow these simple steps for lots of extra drivespace:

At the DOS prompt simply type:

“deltree quake2”

This would have the helpful bi-product of alleviating the problem of you being a ‘Shite Quake2 cunter’.

QMH THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:
Anyone else notice that ‘yank’ rhymes with ‘wank’? Coincidence or not?

QMH CUNT OF THE WEEK:
EOA.Gunner (A possible ‘Tyro’ of the future)

Anyway, the Nurse is here with my special sweets, so I have to go.

STOP PRESS: ***LAST MINUTE TYRO UPDATE***
He actually showed up yesterday, and YES, he IS still a cunt.


*** WARD ONE: 9.30.1998 ***

HELLO EVERYONE!!!!!
(Unless u r Swedish, in which case FUCK RIGHT OFF U VOLVO DRIVING ABBA DANCING CUNTER!)

Well, who would have thought it? Paul2, official IRC CunterBot allowed to put his views about things onto the Net… What is the world coming to?

I have been given some ground rules about my behavior on this page, they are:

 

  • The name of the page cannot have any swear words in.
  • That’s it.
  • Honest.

Can you believe that? Methos, letting me say what I want, and he can take all the blame for it!

So, first of all, thanks to Methos for not having the slightest bit of sense and deciding to do something that could possibly be just a little different. Apparently my good friend Tyro was unable to write the page due a severe lack of brain cells to even have a mental problem with. Besides, it would take a week to correct that little halfwit twat’s spelling mistakes.

Secondly, since Methos has probably to take the blame for everything I write, I would like to kick off with a quick statement. “THRESH IS A FUCKING SHITE CUNT!” There you are.

Right, now, I know a lot of people out there might be thinking “Who the fuck is Paul2?” If you do not know me then go to #quake.uk on IRC during the day and tell me I am a cunt, I will probably introduce myself in my own unique way. Also, if you doubt my Quake SkillZ, then let me assure you… I am proper CRAP!

Before I go on I should probably do a little dictionary of words u might see a lot for u people out there who have no cunting idea at all about anything. These are not my words, just words I like to use. Often.

Common Words Used By Paul2
B0rked A bit cunted. � Pilsner, I think.
Cunt A person outside the boundaries of ‘not being a cunt
Cunted Thoroughly b0rked. � Rawmeat
Cunter A cunter is generally Swedish, but on rare occasions can be from the UK. (See ‘Tyro’)
Cunting The act of being a complete cunt. Often used as a replacement for ‘fucking’  I.e. “You, my friend, are a cunting twat!”
Cuntoid A young cunter. � Meh!
Cuntybollocks An affectionate term. E.g. “Morning cuntybollocks!”
Cunt off Please go away. Soon. You cunter.
Halfwit A cunter, not even possessing the brainpower to realize when he is being a twat.
Meh Me
Twat See ‘Tyro’
Tyro See ‘twat’ ‘halfwit’ ‘cuntoid’ ‘cunter’ etc etc…

That’s about it really, that is almost my full vocabulary in 12 words.

QMH NEWS:
I won a duel the other day. HONEST! Right, that’s enough of the Quake shit. Anyone got any pr0n?

QMH ‘TYRO’ NEWS:
The boy is still a twat. He has always been a twat. And he will remain a twat forever.

QMH OPINION:
It is my opinion that 99% of you take Quake too seriously and spend far too much time moaning about everything you can possibly find to moan about. Why? Well, it is either because you are all daft cunters with nothing better to do but moan and carry on like a beeatch, (Examples: Darff, BigFoot.) Or, simply because you are total cunts. (Examples: Tyro and a lot of the Swedes.) (Oh, don’t forget the Norwegians.) (And the Finnish.) (Need I mention the French?) (Oh yeah, the Yanks.)

Actually, to save time, we could narrow the opinions down to a few statements really.

    1. YOU ARE ALL CUNTS.

 

  • Swedes cheat.
  • QPD are shite.
  • So are HC, SAS, DC. Erm… All the division 1 clans.
  • Bigfoot uses an aimbot and hacked mdls.
  • Tyro is a cunt.
  • Clan games should be DMM4, everyone starts with all weapons and ammo, 200 armour and 250 health. But once you are dead, you cannot respawn. Last clan-standing wins.
  • They should also be played TP69, which means you get extra frags for shooting your own players.
  1. Quake 2 is a bag of 3DFX spank.

If you have any problems with these opinions, please let Methos know.

QMH IRC INTERVIEW:
<Paul2> So Thresh, what is your excuse for losing to the Swedes then?
<Thresh> I had something dodgy for breakfast. And I was tired. And my pet hamster died.

<Paul2> That sound like a piss-poor set of excuses to me. What was the real reason?
<Thresh> Well, I had a lot on my mind.

<Paul2> Such as?
<Thresh> Erm… Just things like ‘How on earth are any of us going to get to the RL when they keep shooting us.’

<Paul2> So, basically, you DR blokes are shite?
<Thresh> No, we are still the best in the world.

<Paul2> but you lost.
<Thresh> Yeah, I suppose, but we are still more skilled.

<Paul2> But you lost. Often. It isn’t as though it was close or anything.
<Thresh> Yeah, I suppose. But individually, we are more skilled.

<Paul2> But wasn’t it supposed to be the clan Deathrow proving they are better than [9]?
<Thresh> Yeah, I suppose.

<Paul2> So [9] are better than Deathrow?
<Thresh> No, the Americans are still the best in the world.

<Paul2> But you DO get beaten in games by [9]?
<Thresh> Yeah, I suppose, but we are still the best. I was tired, I had been travelling…

<Paul2> You really ARE the cunt of all cunts Thresh. You know that?
<Thresh> Yeah, I suppose. But I am still the best in the world.

<Paul2> FUCK OFF.

Warning: Some (Or all) of this interview may be actually ‘not exactly truthful’. (The Thresh being a cunt is pretty accurate though.) J

Finally, some things never fail to amuse me and this is one of them… A trick pinched off my fellow cunter Kage…

<Paul2> TOPIC PLEASE: Latest Shogo information on #SoftwareZone
<
Paul2> :)
*** BigBadBen has quit IRC (Killed (ILLEGAL CHANNEL JOIN.))
<
Opless> lol
*** BigBadBen (Ben@ppppp.ppp.ac.uk) has joined #quake.uk
<
BigBadBen> :)
<
Paul2> :)
<
BigBadBen> cunt
<
Paul2> thanks

Anyway, I really cannot be bothered to waste any more time on you twats, cos’ you will only all find some cunting thing to moan on about anyway. “Your grammar is wrong, you spelt ‘jafgsagjgjg’ wrong, you are a cunt!” etc.

If for any reason you would like to mail meh, then do it here… getstuffed@antisocial.com

Remember children: Drugs are cool! � Paul2 1998.

 

https://web.archive.org/web/20010223211200/http://www.b0rk.co.uk:80/hosted/cunter/

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