How to be a Llama, in six easy steps!

How to be a Llama, in six easy steps! by kerbuffel

-above screenshot from famed mapper hafhead’s hole: apparently hafhead erroneously believed kerbuffel she to be a he

[Article: How to be a Llama, in six easy steps!]


Disclaimer: I’m not responsible for whatever anyone calls you if you try any of this stuff. This is for educational purposes only.

Step One: exec default.cfg
I’m pretty sure this rebinds all the keys to where they were when you first bought Quake 2. Just type it at the console. Make sure you turn off running and freelook. Change your name to “Player”.

Step Two: You gotta talk the Talk
Llamas don’t answer the “are you in a clan?” question with “yes, I’m a clan member. And my clan rocks!”, they say “i’m a l33t klan m3mb3r! and my klan r0x!”. Let’s dissect this a bit. l33t = leet = cool. You have to talk in strange gaming words, like leet. For more words, check out the top left corner of Planetquake’s Main Page. Refresh it a few times. Anyway, notice there’s no “e” there’s “3”. E = 3 in the Llama’s dictonary. And O = 0. And some other letters are replaced with different letters. “S”, when at the end of a word, making it plural, is made a “Z”. But, “s” as in “see” is still “see” not “zee”. “C” when making the “ka” sound in a word is not a “c” anymore, it’s a “k”. There’s tons of other stuff, but I can’t teach you everything.

Step Three: Message Binds
“i will on j00!” “camperz sux!” and “cheaterz! you are all cheaterz!” as well as many other obsenities that I wont post because I’m a good person (shyeah, right :)are some messages to have bound to keys, then repeat them many, many times, whenever anyone kills you. Even when you kill yourself. Which you should do often, by the way. Make sure you hit it enough to block out anyone trying to tell you to shut up.

Step Four: You rule, or you have an excuse
Proabably the latter though. Anyway, unless you are at the top of the frag counts, you have to have an excuse why you and your “mad skillz” aren’t at the top of the scoreboard. Some are (some are entries for Essobie’s top excuses for losing at RA2IO) “Stupid lag!” “The Female taunt animation got me all excited!” “I thought I was on the other team, because this team sux!” “Okay, I’m done eating now. Ready?” “The drunken monkey was playing for me” “You’re cheating!” and “Great Mother of Ghandi! You must be using that gamma gun!”. Come up with some of you own. (Note: Do not type gamma gun at the console, it will turn your screen white, and I’ve sometimes you can’t fix it) If you are winning, however unlikely, you must gloat. I suggest stealing the CRbot’s kill messages. They’ll piss everyone off. Putting them in a nice little chat alias will make them even more mad.

Step Five: Improve you game, the easy way
This includes making improved crosshairs, turning off textures, easier to see skins, altered field of vision, etc. Sure, lots of people do this. Don’t feel bad if you do. But all llamas have to do this. Also, taking advantage of honorable people, is also really wrong. Since I’m a moral person (hehehe), I can’t type this stuff, because then ‘d have to live with it. But the Grand Exalted Weenie did. Check out Cowardice Section of Quake 2 Weenie Tatics Site. And then do all that stuff.

Step Six: Name Changing and other mean things
I feel really bad for all the newbies who’ll be traumatized by people who do this… Quake 2 will let you be any name you want. Even if there’s already one on the server. So, pick someone at the top of the frag counts, or someone famous (like me! :) and take there name. Then do what llamas do. It’ll confuse everyone on the server. It’ll piss off the person you’re impersoninating. ANd if you’ll a true llama, you’ll give your twin a bad name. By doing things such as telling everyone that there’s a secret weapon, called a gamma gun, and if you type it at the console, you’ll rule the game. Or, there’s a cheat code, unbindall, that will give you all the items, and god mode. If you didn’t know already, gamma gun will turn your screen white, and unbindall will unbind all you keys. Now I feel all icky for telling you that. (Also, to the llama who has done that to me, YOU SUCK!) If you’re truly a llama, you’ll have a nice alias set up for this. It switches you name, then tells everyone your new weapon or cheat code.

Afterword
Llamas suck. This was done as a joke. Please, please, please stop doing anything on this page (except for #5, that’s borderline, make your own choice). If you do anything on this page, I am not responsible. I have never done anything on this page. I collected this stuff from other sites and personal experience. Please forget everything on this page.

https://web-beta.archive.org/web/20010418093548/http://www.captured.com:80/kerbuffel/llama.htm

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