What To Eat While Gaming

by Rob Walker (4/25/99)

While most gamers don’t think of eating while playing games, in my many years of gaming I’ve discovered a wide variety of foods and candy being ingested by players all over the world. I’ve decided, against all better judgement (and a lawsuit) to explain the different types of eaters in the world, and what they eat. Why, you might ask, am I writing this? Because, I’d answer (in a snotty voice), it’s something no one else has done, and it’s a damned sight more fun than actually reviewing something! So, you might ask again, what do you mean by types of eaters/gamers (from here on in known as S.L.O.B.S, Supper Lunch Or Breakfast Snackers)? There are three main types of Slobs� there’s the meager Slob, the poor bastard that thinks eating at Arby’s is fine dining. Then there’s you and me, the average Slob, who can afford your normal junk, but can’t really afford to splurge (these guys work at Arby’s). Then there are the real snobs, the people that have to pay people to even come to their birthday parties, the rich Slobs, who can afford the most expensive foods and drink (these guys OWN Arby’s).

Snacks

Meager: While playing games, these losers of the lot like snacking on peanuts, and if they can find it, beer-flavored peanuts. Actually these hicks like any sort of nuts; they like cracking them open with their teeth. If they manage to beg enough money, they might even be able to afford some brand name chips. For bubble gum, they usually have to settle for condom wrappers.

Average: Usually eating chips or party mix, these average Slobs are the heart and soul of gaming. Eating anything from Junior Mints to nachos and salsa, although with those mind the keyboard. I wouldn’t suggest a bean dip though, unless your room is thoroughly ventilated. As a member of this range, I’ll actually eat almost anything, as long as it’s tasty, not too expensive, or has a wrapper with a naked chick on it.

Rich: These rich folk can eat anything, from wine-flavored peanuts to condom-flavored nachos. Er, right… While they usually eat caviar and pimpernickel (I have no idea what that is, but it has pimp in it, so I threw it in), they usually just get their butlers to hand-feed them Swiss chocolates so that they don’t have to take their hands away from the game.

Drinks

Meager: I have just one thing to say in this case: Faygo. This dirt cheap alternative to actual liquid is a favorite amongst rednecks, their lovers, and their cousins respectively. Another favorite of the cheap creeps is moonshine, which, after enough of it, makes Unreal seem like a fun game.

Average: This average thing is hard to think up jokes for. Personally, I like any pop, or ‘soda’ as you Americans tell me, usually Mountain Dew. Hey, so what if they lower sperm count, I’ve got more than enough of them to go around. It’s not like they get don’t get daily exercise anyway… um… ignore that. Slushy’s (also known as a ‘squishy’) are great too, but don’t get any on your keyboard, or people will think you’ve been ‘exercising’ around your computer.

Rich: Yeah, you heard me. Sorry, where was I… Oh yeah, these guys like mineral water, or if they’re like those crazy millionaire paranoid guys, sterilized water with vitamins in it. If they’re real wierdos, they’ll drink wine, but I’ve never heard of anyone drinking wine while playing video games. And yes, I have heard of people drinking moonshine while playing games.

Meals

Meager: If you think you’re beginning to see a pattern, you’re wrong. It just looks like it’s in order. Whatever these fools can scrounge out of garbage cans is usually good enough for them. Or, if they’re really desperate, they can go to Arby’s. They also can resort to picking lice off each other, but don’t worry, they fry them first. If you’re wondering why such poor people are spending money on their computer instead of food, you’re not a true gamer.

Average: Ordering pizza is usually a good thing, or, if you’re like me, and you still live at home (hey, don’t laugh, I’m still in high school), you can get your mom to make something. Of course, if your mom makes food that smells like ass, I wouldn’t suggest eating it. Or maybe you like that sort of thing. There’s a lot of good food in this range: burgers, subs, etc.

Rich: Oh, you think you know exactly what’s going in here, don’t you? Well… you’re right. These guys feast on double-fudge Oreos. I’m not kidding, they do. Screw the lobster, boiled condom, and deep fried duck, these guys eat tons of double-fudge Oreos. Oh, by the way, according to http://www.oreo.com, “This year, you and your friends will devour over 9.1billion OREO cookies.” Now, I don’t count every Oreo I eat, but I don’t think even with my friends I eat that many Oreos. Of course, I’m not rich, and I don’t own Arby’s… hell, I don’t even work there.

So, there you have it. That’s what all poor, middle class, and rich people are eating and drinking while they play video games. It’s true. As long as you balance these meals with enough exercise, you won’t get overweight or in bad shape. Of course, to counteract all that crap, you’ll need to work out about 22 hours a day. But then you can eat for 2 hours. And remember, if this isn’t your average food group, it should be: Beer, sex, and video games.

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