Jerry Springer Quake 2

Jerry Springer Quake 2

Isn’t Mod a fragrance for women?
Id software, commonly known for their cutting edge 3D shooters, is responsible for the games Quake and Quake2. Due to the fact that Id software was generous enough to release the source code to these titles, Quake players have been modifying these games to create wild and crazy variations of the originals. Modified more than Michael Jackson’s nose, Quake has managed to expand into many other genres. Many people download and try these modifications each day, only to greedily anticipate the release of another. Thanks to years of research, we are proud to present the previously unheard of Quake Mods set to release any day!

by Kevin ‘Pointless Audio’ Pereira

Jerry Springer Quake2 – ( JQuake )
Where shoes and chairs become weapons of mass destruction.

A new and promising mod on the horizon is Jerry Springer Quake, by Vestite-Entertainment. I was given an incredible behind-the-scenes look at this action packed Quake Mod. The level we saw was an incredibly detailed version of the Springer Studio. The following is a complete review of the Mod while still in its early beta testing stages.

Gameplay / Concept
Upon entering a JQuake (Jerry Quake) server, players are greeted with a menu where they can choose the skin they wish to use. Players can choose from: Homo, Slut, Gangsta, Drug-Addict, Springer Security, Stripper, and Transvestite skins for their player to use. Depending upon the selected skin, players will have specific weapons at their disposal. Once a skin is selected, players start “backstage” where they wait to be called out “on-stage”. During this period of time, players can watch what is happening onstage through various TV monitors. When your player is next in line, the 5 second countdown starts. When time runs out, you must rush onto the Springer Stage, where you have but a few seconds to attack your opponent before the “security” breaks the battle up. The player with the most health waits for the next guest to appear, while the “loser” is sent backstage to try his or her or he/she’s luck again. There is also a “Springer security guard” mode available which is described below. Observers, of course, are placed among the seats in the Springer studio and aloud to holler “Jerry” in between matches.

Perhaps the most breathtaking additions to this mod are the high quality player skins and model replacements. You can almost see the transvestites **** through his dress…” lead programmer Rick Slutz describes while cycling through the carefully crafted skins. “We really wanted players to feel like they were in the ‘body’ of a crack-addicted-lesbian-midget… we’re very proud of what we’ve pulled off…” You’ll really appreciate the talented modelers and skin-designers Rick assembled for this mammoth Quake Mod.

As mentioned above, the weapons in JQuake vary depending on your character. Here is a brief overview of the weapon system:

Homo – Armed with a rainbow “love-stick”, the Homo can deliver crushing blows yet only to the “ass-region” of another player. Homo’s are also armed with the special “chair throwing” ability, yet the strength and distance of the throw is very weak.

Slut – Perhaps the most versatile class in JQuake, Slut’s use their “spiked high heels” to inflict pain on their opponents. By binding a key to “lob platforms”, players can hurl their shoes across the entire Springer studio. Unfortunately, you are only armed with two shoes (duh) unless you pick up the shoes you previously threw. The ability to “bitch slap” opponents comes in real handy if you mistakenly lose a shoe in a row of audience seats.

Gangsta – The JQuake Gangsta comes equipped with the largest arsenal among all of the characters. His “14 karat gold-plate” necklace can be used to put a quick strangle on any guest, while his pager can be a remotely detonated device when used in conjunction with his Cellular Phone. Finally, with a quick flash of his “pearly whites”, the JQuake Gangsta can momentarily blind his opponents with the reflection of stage lights off of his gold and silver plated teeth.

Drug Addict – At the time we viewed the JQuake Beta, there was only one weapon skinned and ready for this heroine crazed JQuake character. The “Needle” is an effective stabbing weapon as well as a lethal projectile. Armed with but one needle, the Drug Addict can toss his infected syringe at a guest in hopes of puncturing their skin. However, by throwing the needle, they risk missing and breaking their only weapon of destruction. Strategists will love the syringe because it makes choices of stabbing or throwing a key element in their survival.

Springer Security – As a Springer Security guard, you are allowed to play in each “round” of JQuake. As soon as the guest runs out on stage, you must run across the Springer Studio and “grab” the attacker for a total of 5 seconds. For each successful guest you snag, you are awarded 2 points and are sent back to your seat to wait for another attacker. As a Security member, you are susceptible to all of the attacks brought forth by the guests. If you are hit and “killed”, you lose the right to be a security guard for the next round and are penalized one point.

Stripper – The JQuake stripper model comes in two flavors: an incredibly “busty” quake model, or the “overweight and proud” version. The busty model has but one mode of attack, the breast slap. By binding a key to “twirl”, you can cause your Quake character to spin uncontrollably and slap her opponent silly with her expensive silicon. The overweight model, although much slower, can attack in the same manner as her slender predecessor. On the up-side, she can hurl her massive body at a guest, creating an indentation of them on the Springer stage. Be forewarned, if you miss, you have to wait 3 seconds before you can muster the energy to get up. Normally, three seconds of inactivity means death.

Transvestite – The most popular JQuake character is the “handsomely sexy” transvestite as Rick describes the he/she. Able to attack with her “hidden club”, the transvestite surprises her opponents as well as the entire security staff. Although I refused to watch the attack sequence of this “hidden club”, those in the room who kept their eyes open were so disturbed that they were compelled to leave. Transvestites can also scrape their opponents into a bloody submission with their leg stubble. When I asked how many attacks the transvestite was limited to with their “club”, Rick replied, “How many times can you whip your club around before it becomes useless?”… I’m guessing it has unlimited ammo… honest… I swear!

Sound – Music and Effects
Looks great, plays incredible, and SOUNDS like a good mod too! JQuake’s sound team worked extra hours to make sure you hear the silky, yet painful, slaps of a Slut’s implants against an opponents forehead. High-Quality samples ring out and echo backstage as the chants of “Jerry, Jerry” flow from the audience. After each match, carefully digitized comments from Jerry Springer himself comment on the childish actions of his guests. A nifty addition to JQuake, although not available on the beta I previewed, is Jerry Springer’s “Final Thought”. According to Rick, the final thought plays at the end of each level when a time-limit or frag-limit is reached. Final thoughts are customized to play according to whomever, or whatever, wins that level. Actual quotes on sluts, gays, and druggies were digitized from the J-Man himself in this hilarious addition to JQuake. For the soundcard impaired, close captioned comments appear in the bottom corner of the playing field giving you a blow by blow account of the action in each “match”.

Powerups – Crazy JQuake Abilities
As if the regular characters and their weapons weren’t astonishing enough, Jerry Springer Quake offers optional powerups to enhance the Gameplay. Powerups are attained when a guest manages to win 6 matches in a row. They can be activated at any time throughout the game, or saved up for a match of intense action.

Golden Wand – When the golden wand is picked up by a JQuake Homo, he is transformed into a “flaming queer”. The player will combust into a beautiful 3DFX enhanced screaming ball of fire. While in possession of the wand, the player can set chairs, security guards, and opponents on fire, essentially destroying the entire Springer stage. The powerup only lasts five seconds, but that’s plenty of time to torch your opposition.

Used Condom – A protective shield allows the JQuake Slut to prance around on stage without fear of security guards or her opponent. Due to the five second time limit on this powerful prophylactic, JQuake Sluts become quickly vulnerable to penetrating attacks from other guests. However, during the five seconds, the JQuake Slut is a one woman wrecking machine.

“The Bitch” – A JQuake Gangsta’s most effective weapon is his “Bitch”. Perhaps the most controversial weapon of the JQuake game (aside from the transvestite’s hidden club), the Gangsta can send his “Bitch” into a battle for him. A Gangsta Bitch is a bot with AI resembling the lower level monsters in Unreal. Using her “hair extensions and fake nails”, a successful Gangta Bitch attack could leave an opponent bloody and humiliated.

Shrooms – The breakfast of champions and Drug Addicts, Shrooms can send an opponent into a deadly state of nirvana. Loaded with 5 Shrooms for each powerup attained, Drug Addicts can drop these illusion muffins on the ground wherever the step. Like a landmine, Shrooms will cause an opponent’s screen to sway and blur uncontrollably as pastel colors fly by their eyes.

Boobs Of Steel – Deadly metallic breasts can gib an opponent to shreds if used properly. When activated, a slightly chaffed stripper can hurl her enhanced implants at an opponent, splattering them all over the Springer Studio. Security guards cannot attack a stripper when this powerup is enabled because they’re sporting serious “quake w00d”.

The Flash – A powerup designed for the transvestite in you, the “flash” can be used like the BFG in Quake2. In a spontaneous act of exposure, transvestites reveal their “hidden agendas” to the entire Springer Studio. If it is “aimed” properly, the transvestite can cause guests, security members, and even observers to melt into a pile of giblets. I also declined viewing this attack in action.

Scoring System – How to win at JQuake
In order to succeed at JQuake, you have to score the most points as possible. As an attacking guest, you gain 3 points for each “kill” under five seconds, and 2 points for any kills over five seconds. If you are a defending guest, you receive 2 points for defending yourself, and a five point bonus for every 5 matches consecutively won. As a security guard, you gain 2 points for each person stopped, and lose one point if you are killed by a guest. As a guest attacking or defending, you are awarded zero points for killing the security guard unless it is immediately after you kill your opponent. As an observer, you get nothing, so what the hell is the fun in that?

Jerry Springer Quake looks to be the single greatest Mod in the history of Quake. Great characters, scoring, and weapons are bound to make this an instant hit in the Quake Scene. Remember, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye… then it’s only fun and games that are slightly harder to see.

Jerry Springer Quake – Scheduled Release “When it’s finished and I’m done whacking it”

* On a side note – Jerry Springer Quake is completely fictional. It was designed entirely in my pathetically twisted brain. However, now that I have finished writing this, I suddenly find myself wanting to see this game become a reality! I think it’d be a great quake mod! If anyone would like the “rights” to this mod, or even to assemble a team to pull this game off, please let me know, or if you would like to see other Mods featured like JQuake, send me an email. Kevin ‘Pointless Audio’ Pereira

JQuake and the concepts revealed in this Column are the copyrighted property of Kevin Pereira.

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