Sun Tzu’s “The Art of Quake”

Sun Tzu’s “The Art of Quake”

Sun Tzu said: The art of war is of vital importance to Quake.

It is a matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected.

All deathmatch is based on deception.

Hence, when able to attack, we must seem to be lagging; when attacking, we must seem to be using quad damage; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must telefrag.

Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and gib him.


If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be using the keyboard, that he may grow arrogant.

If he is camping, give him no rest. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected, land on his head and remove the back of his skull with the super shotgun.

Now in order to kill the enemy, our space marines must be roused to anger; that there may be advantage from defeating the enemy, they must have their rewards.

A wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy. One backpack of the enemy’s provisions is equivalent to twenty of one’s own, and likewise a single rocket of his ammunition is equivalent to twenty from one’s own store.

The highest form of generalship is to balk the enemy’s plans; the next best is to prevent the junction of the enemy and the rocket launcher; the next in order is to attack the enemy when he respawns; and the worst policy of all is to besiege the camper on e1m5.

Thus we may know that there are five essentials for victory:

1. He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior network connections.

2. He will win who knows when to fight and when to find the 100 health.

3. He will win whose army is animated by the same T1 throughout all its ranks.

4. He will win who has military capacity and is not interfered with by his boss/parents.

5. He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy when they come up the elevator looking for the grenade launcher and you’re standing in the shadows with the quad damage super nailgun

RatattatataaBBOOOMM!! That sonofabtich is CHUNKED! We’re talkin’ crimson arcs of splattered gore, baby.

So says Sun Tzu.

By Fargo

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