Clan Old Fart, Lethal Old Farts, and WOMF – Wicked Old Married Farts — Old Fart LAN Party Photos, 1999

Old Age and Strategy Will Triumph Over Youth and Aggression. Now, what was that strategy again…”

“And ultimately — Nothing can clear out a room faster than an Old Fart.

“Welcome to the Home of Clan Old Fart {OF}, dedicated to Quake 2 LMCTF multiplayer action. For you online users – most of the action takes place between 9:30pm and 11pm EST. The server is open to all wishing to play, unless the words ‘Practicing’, ‘Scrimaging’, or ‘Active Match’ are in the server name. As you will find, we are trying to team up together to improve our team coordination during these pick-up games. We do try to keep the teams even for pick-up games but as players come and go we might not notice the balance. Just get our attention by requesting team changes. If the action is hot we sometimes don’t catch the talk so – act maturely – don’t swear or belittle someone – try again. The Old Fart members might be a little slow but we will catch on eventually. And, as you are aware, some pick-up players just will not switch to a losing team, no matter what is said. Usually our server will be setup as a Quake II LMTE (LMCTF) Server or sometimes as a Quake II Lithium Server. By using GameSpy or PingTool you will be able to see which type server is currently running. (Our new server has two to three games running concurrently off different server ports.) To play Quake 2 on our clan server ( you need to have LMTE when that server type is running and you should have Visual Weapons (VWEP). (Lithium requires no client mods.) Any extra Deathmatch skins, models, and maps that are in use when you connect are automatically downloaded to your PC as you connect. (Thanks to ID for including this in v3.15). Using visual weapons will allow you to see which weapon another player carrying, if you have time to look! We display player statistics from the games, separating DM from CTF games, follow the link from the navigation frame on the left. The statistics are published utilizing the program ‘GibStats’ from standard logs taken from all the games played.”

First Old Fart LAN Party

Smiley’s Rec Room — Grand Rapids, Michigan

Thursday — March 11, 1999

Friday — March 12, 1999

Saturday — March 13, 1999

The day has begun. . .

Sunday — March 14, 1999

The final day.  Slice sleeps the morning away again.  :)

I would like that thank all the OFs, the CCs, the 7DSs, and the DBs for coming – you guys made all this worth it.  It was great playing with a group like this for the whole weekend.   And a special thanks to my bud Coneman who helped with the food preparation and to G_Man for the t-shirts and other help.

Old Fart LAN Party Too

The SmileyHouse — Grand Rapids, Michigan

Saturday — July 31, 1999

We played lots of LxCTF, Lithium deathmatch, some Unreal, and Kick. A great day at the Smiley Estate.

Sunday — August 1, 1999

The day is young yet –

Sadly many of the pictures taken today were out of focus – guess I’m a impatient old fart that was in too much of a hurry to let the digital camera focus properly in the low light conditions.

We did play a match between the Undefeated EEGs and OF.  OF recruited some help because EEG had brought out some of their big guns and many of the OF heavy hitters were not in attendance and we played a mostly 4vs6 roster until MillerTime was able to connect toward the end of the match.

As you can see OF beat EEG – but because of the nature of the rosters EEG is still considered Undefeated in equal roster play. Thanks to everyone that attended – it was great fun.

Interactive Flash Movie by Slice — You Decide Smiley’s Fate

The Official Old Fart Methane Scrolls

As transcribed by G_Man

“I have just returned from my journey to the sacred ‘Methane Caves’. This journey was very difficult. My lungs were badly burned from the searing Methane Gases I had to endure as I made my way to get to the Ancient Scrolls. The Methane Gods looked favorably on me upon my arrival at the sacred chambers, and after I had completed the complex rituals of many hours of bowing, flatulation, supplication, climaxed by the properly executed crepitation release, they agreed to let me bring back the sacred parchments for ‘The Secret Order of the Buttplug’. The great High Methane God ‘Flatular’ took mercy upon me and granted me a safe teleport out of the caves, for He, and He alone, knew I would have perished on the return journey back through the caves. After a few days of stalling . . . er . . . recovery, I will pass on this sacred information to our humble, great, good, generous, worthy, and gloriously odorous OLD FART Clan Members.”

The Legend of the Methane Caves

A Translation From the “Ancient Methane Scrolls”

As originally written by the Methane God Scribe “Rep-Pir”

The Ancient Methane Scrolls provide the only record of the “Age of Methane”. Due to the total annihilation of that previous civilized world, no other record exists. There are two time epochs that are recorded, BM and AM.

BM (Before Methane) is the age of innocence of the early civilization known as “Methanos”. This is an age of countless centuries when the inhabitants of the world were unaware of the Methane Gods existence and their influence upon them. This was a wondrous age where “breaking wind” was joyfully practiced and celebrated.

AM (After Methane) is the age when the inhabitants of the early civilization became Methane aware. They discovered the existence of the Methane Gods around them, began to fear them, and fueled by the zealots of radical religious sects known as the “Anti-Fartists”, began a campaign to destroy the Methane Gods and their influence.

The Methane Gods, being all knowing, all seeing, and all smelling, had seen into the future and knew they would have to wage a battle against the ” Anti-Fartists”. A couple of centuries before the age of AM, The Methane Gods organized a secret warrior society known as “The Secret Order of the BUTTPLUG”. These were mortals that were loyal followers of the Methane Gods. They developed techniques for deploying the use of the BUTTPLUG in battle. The Methane Gods knew the day would come when they would have to use these BUTTPLUG Centurians to save themselves from complete destruction at the hands of the “Anti-Fartist Movement”.

That Great War between the “Anti-Fartists” and the Methane Gods came to pass. The innocent and enlightened age of BM ended. The dark ages of AM began. “FARTING” was considered indecent, vulgar, and evil. Followers of the Methane Gods were rounded up and were executed by the “Anti-Fartist” death squads known as the “Fart Lighters”. For several hundred years the “Anti-Fartists” gained power and influence, until they felt they could take on the Methane Gods in battle and destroy them, not knowing that the Methane Gods were prepared for this final battle.

The day of the great battle came to pass, so to speak. This battle was recorded in the Methane Scrolls as “The Great Conflagration”. Finally, at the last battle, thousands upon thousands of the “Anti-Fartists” closed in on the small armies of the Methane Gods. The Methane Gods knew they would not survive the battle using their armies alone. They called forth their secret weapons – the BUTTPLUG Centurions. The “Anti-Fartists” were stopped in their tracks by the sight of these bloated Centurians; bald asses with corks sticking out staring them in the face. The Methane Gods called out to these zealots and begged them to stop the fighting and make peace, but to no avail. The “Anti-Fartists” were more determined than ever to destroy them and began advancing.

The Methane Gods issued two final commands. The first command was “torch bearers advance”. A torch bearer appeared and planted their torches in the ground just to the rear of each of the BUTTPLUG Centurians. The second command issued was “BUTTPLUGS release”. The sound of corks popping was almost deafening. The mass quantities of methane rushed from the bowels of the BUTTPLUG Centurians. When the gas reached the torches planted in the ground, the explosions and fires that ensued destroyed all living things. The entire civilization of “Methanos” was gone. All that was left was the charred remnants of the BUTTPLUG Centurions and the immortal Methane Gods themselves. Sadly, the destruction of the world by this savage elemental firestorm was complete.

This angered “The Great Creator”, God of all Gods so greatly that he banished the Methane Gods to caves deep in the earth for all eternity. The Methane Gods mourned deeply for the loss of the great “Methanos” civilization, and showed such remorse that after many thousands of years “The Great Creator” forgave them.

The Methane Gods, however, decided to remain in the caves forever so that such a thing could never happen again. They also wished to preserve the ancient history of the lost “Methanos” Civilization in the “Methane Scrolls” and the knowledge of “The Secret Order of the BUTTPLUG”.

In the meantime, “The Great Creator” placed another male and female breeding pair upon the earth, making them aware of the penalty for forbidden farting, and giving them awareness of the Methane Gods, the caves they were banished to, and the sins they had committed. The descendents of this pair populated the earth until our present time – with the females having the task of reminding the males about forbidden flatulation and its adverse affects on society. With the passing time, the details about the Methane Gods faded into what is known today by very few as “The Legend of the Methane Caves”.

Clan Old Fart — Members

The Secret Order Of The BUTTPLUG

How to Install Butt Plugs

  1. If necessary, go to the toilet and empty your bowels if you can. You don’t want any solids in there if you are going strictly for gas. An errant Turd propelled under extreme pressure could be dangerous. Accidental “Turd” kills of your opponent is frowned upon by the Methane Gods and could result in revoking your BUTTPLUG privleges. The object is mass quantities of methane, not making a mess.
  2. Wash your hands.
  3. Remove any foil or plastic wrapping from the BUTTPLUG. ONLY use the finest natural corks.
  4. Either squat, or lie on your side with one leg straight and the other leg bent.
  5. Gently but firmly push the BUTTPLUG, tapered end first, into the opening of your sacred chamber. Push far enough so that it does not slip out. If you accidentally push it all the way in, you may have some interesting explaining to do to the doctor that tries to fish the thing out.
  6. Lubricants on the BUTTPLUG must to be avoided. The natural material of the cork texture is needed to hold the thing in place. If you have a naturally juicy or slippery ass, some talcum powder may need to be applied to dry things out a little. (We’re talkin to YOU RunnyFart)   In extreme cases of slippery ass, an adhesive may need to be used. A weakened “rubber contact cement” is recommended. If the contact cement is used full strength, it could result in your death from the “reverse slingshot rubber band” effect immediately after your BUTTPLUG release maneuver is executed. Think about it….
  7. Close your legs and sit still for a few minutes. Avoid emptying the bowels for at least 24 hours prior to the match.
  8. Wash your hands again.

About Old Fart

WOMF — Wicked Old Married Farts

WOMF — Quake 2 Maps

Lethal Old Farts

The Q2 branch is the Flagship of LOF! Hocus has assembled a strong contingent of warriors that continue to represent us well. Major kudo’s and congrats go out to Mike Weber, (LOF)MWEB, for finishing #1 at the CLQ for the week ending October 23, 1999. Anyone who has played Mike knows this ranking is well deserved. Give him the big thumbs up when you see him but watch your back…he takes no prisoners and only leaves a trail of fragged warriors in his wake..:)

Lethal Old Farts — Roster


Who Am I?

“My name is Robert Osorio, I live in central Florida (the ‘Shoot Me’ state), and I go by the handle ‘FlyingPenguin[OFC]’ when playing online. I mostly play Day of Defeat, Counterstrike, and Q3 Urban Terror. I’m 42, and honorary CEO for life of the Old Farts Clan (gamers under age 35 need not apply). There’s not really a clan – it’s very casual. A bunch of us old farts were just tired of being nagged to join a clan, so we made up our own.

When I first started posting my age on my web sites, I was amazed by the number of ‘closet’ old-fart gamers that e-mailed me to tell me that it was so cool that there were others, like themselves, who played the game like addicts, weren’t under 19 years old, and were old enough to remember when ‘Pong’ was state-of-the-art computer gaming. The oldest gamer I’ve heard from is 55 and he plays around 4 hours a day!

If you’re over 35 and play Quake online, consider yourself a life-long member in good standing. Feel free to use the initials if you want [OFC]. Your only duty is that you must never fail to lose any opportunity to be smug about it when you frag the crap out of some teenager’s ass. Let him know how old you are and mock his (supposedly) faster reflexes.”

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