The Onion: Ask A Salmon

“Salmon and Garfunkel” by artist Bill Blair

[note from Donde: The Onion thing is from 1999 and all about spawning, so I thought why not. The artwork however is not from that Onion article. Its original artwork by Bill Blair, an artist who hails from BC, Canada. Check out his page where you can order “Vintage Salmon” and all his art in prints and all kinds of cool ways: https://www.redbubble.com/people/luckybee]

Ask A Salmon

By A Salmon

Dear Salmon,
After several catastrophic relationships, I think I’ve finally found the right man. But old habits die hard: After all those cheating jerks, it’s hard for me to trust this prince of a man. I find myself reading his mail, listening to his messages, even following him around. How do I handle this situation? I don’t want to ruin a wonderful thing!
–Worried In Walla Walla

Dear Worried,
Spawn! Must… spawn! Body turning scarlet! Must find stream where born! Must swim up rapids! Swim! No stop! Must leap up rapids! Upstream! Females upstream! Upstream where females are! Females will see red body! Will spawn with females! Must swim! Must spawn! Upstream! Must throw self up and over waterfalls! No stop! No stop to eat! No rest! Must spawn!

“Kraka-Coho East of Java” by artist Bill Blair

Dear Salmon,
I am a happily married woman with a loving husband who is also my best friend. We’ve been together for 17 years, and I couldn’t be happier. But suddenly he wants separate beds! We’re barely into our 40s, and to me, sleeping apart is for seniors–or singles. Am I making too much of this? Help!
–Bugging Out In Bakersfield

Dear Bugging Out,
Spawning time! Ignore succulent caddisfly! Ignore mayfly! No time! Must spawn! No eat! No time! Ignore smelt! Ignore minnows! Swim! Upstream to spawn! Spawn spawn spawn spawn spawn! Leap over rapids! Leap rocks! Leap logs! Leap leap leap! River swollen with salmon! Tiny, pink, internal testicles swollen for spawn! Swollen! Swollen with sperm-rich spawning fluid! Fluid to drop on eggs in silt! Silky eggs! Beautiful eggs! Will spawn with eggs! Unh! Must… spawn!

Dear Salmon,
My husband was recently laid off. Ever since, he’s been sitting around watching TV while I work to support us both. I know unemployment hurts a person’s confidence, but I’m not his mother! How can I get him up and looking for work?
–Annoyed In Annapolis

Dear Annoyed,
Grizzly bear eat friend! No stop! No help friend! Am only salmon! Salmon must spawn! Ignore hungry bear! Ignore nets! Ignore danger! Will die unless can spawn! Will also die after spawn! Everybody die! No help it! No help self! Ignore death! Think only spawn! Spawn! Leap! Go! Jump! Think only of lovely eggs! No stop! Upstream swim! To spawn! Spawn!