Sock Monkeys Save The World From The Y2K Computer Crisis by Matthew Woelk
What was the Y2K problem? For those of you who were too hopped up on goof balls during the late 1990’s to remember much of anything, I will give a little background information. The Y2K bug was a metaphorical time bomb pre-programmed into hundreds of millions of the world’s computer chips. Years ago, to conserve memory space, programmers used two numbers to record the year. For example, 87 would mean 1987. The problem was that on January 1, 2000, computers that still used a two-number year would interpret the 00 to mean the year 1900. This would have caused most of the computers in the world to either shut down or generate incorrect data.
Using my superior education, a PHD in Stuffed Animal Psychology from Austin Community College, I devised a plan that could successfully save the world from this horrible disaster. My solution had its roots in the old adage that says that a million monkeys working at a million typewriters would eventually write a Shakespearean play. It was my hypothesis that if a billion sock monkeys worked on a billion computers, all the faulty code could be re-written before the onset of Y2K.
NASA refused to provide the 1.3 trillion dollars that I requested to bankroll my project, therefore I was forced to implement my solution using only five monkeys. On the night of October 8, 1999, I placed the monkeys on my front porch and instructed them to travel the world fixing any faulty code they came across. I gave them a rousing pep talk about how they were the only hope for our technologically dependent society, how Kevin Bacon and many others from the star studded cast of Foot Loose were counting on them, and then I bid them farewell on their daunting journey. The next morning, I peeked out the front door as I usually do every morning to check for axe wielding dwarves, disgruntled astronauts, or rogue minor league baseball players and there the sock monkeys were. They had completed their mission at an astonishing pace. In a matter of only twelve hours, they had re-written all the world’s code and had then faithfully returned to my doorstep.
Proud of the monkey’s accomplishments, I spread word of my success. Unfortunately, my distinguished peers in the scientific community college communtiy disputed the validity of my project. “Them monkeys ain’t got the phalanges for key tappin'” screamed Dr. Patrick K. Bowers from the passenger side of his girlfriend’s 1977 Chevy Impala. Patrick may be an internationally respected scholar having a PHD in Midget Tossing from Topeka Community College, but I held my ground and stood by my findings.
When the world’s computer systems didn’t crash on January 1, 2000, I knew all my hard work had paid off and I would become immortalized as the greatest scientist of the millennium. After many letters and phone calls, the government finally agreed to recognize my achievements and said they’d put me on a “special” list of people they keep a close eye on. And that’s all I really want anyway, just a little credit given to me and my monkeys for saving the world.
Sock Monkey Origin Theory
For an estimated twenty thousand years, sock monkeys and humans have existed in a symbiotic relationship with one another. This relationship began with the monkey’s favorite food, lint, which was produced in vast quantities in the prehistoric dryers of humans. Lured by the lint, hungry sock monkeys began to wander into laundry rooms. Humans did not like lint, so they encouraged the monkeys to stay. Slowly over thousands of years they adapted to living in our homes. The monkeys have lost their ability to hunt and can no longer live in the wild. Their ferocious lint grabbing claws have now atrophied into plush little stumps. In fact, today’s sock monkeys rarely even move.
Breaking the Law at Enchanted Rock
Some friends and I traveled to Enchanted Rock a while ago. Enchanted Rock is a state park that contains some of the most breathtaking rock formations in America. Beautiful mountains of pure granite rise and sparkle against the sun. It was easy to understand why Native Americans who once lived in this area considered the place to be sacred. And it was this magical setting that inspired me to be a complete moron.
Major Works of Literature
Poetry, cartoons, jokes, and other contributions to the canon of English literature by Matthew Woelk.