Verbosity: Beating Your Quake Addiction
All right, we’ll admit it — the staff of verbosity has what you might call a slight addiction to Quake. Now, don’t get us wrong; it’s not like all of us are spending hours a day in single-player romps in id’s latest DOOM clone. On the contrary, we’re taking advantage of the lovely TCP/IP features and blasting away at such fellow addicts as AbsoluteZero, Dowd, and Impulse 9 (who, by the way, needs a little more practice) over the Internet. That’s right, from time to time, you’ll catch Happy Phantom, Regen, and Dei relaxing with a little bit of gratuitous violence on quake.preferred.com (Ten Verbosity Style PointsTM go to anyone who can match the silly nicks above with the correct editor. Just read through all the articles in the past four issues and analyze our personalities; the answer should be obvious) and attempting to rack up a frag or two.
So, we figured that we owed it to other Quake fans out there to give a few of the warning signs of Quake addiction. If you find yourself exhibiting any of the signs listed below, immediately proceed to one of our five guaranteed Quake addiction remedies. You don’t want to become a Quake addict — trust us. Some might even suggest that Quake is the true reason this issue was delayed slightly, but we all know better than that, right? So, in that spirit, verbosity brings you the…
Top Twelve Signs
You’re Becoming Addicted to Quake
- You know as many commands from the Quake “console” as you do from the DOS prompt.
- You often find yourself walking into buildings and thinking, “Gee, this would make a great Deathmatch level!”
- You have cute — oftentimes perverse — little nicknames for all of the weapons in the game.
- You have a macro that guides you through the first three levels with one keystroke.
- You have an extra phone line installed for the expressed purpose of Quake gaming. Worse still, you often refer to it as the “Quake line.”
- If your first frag is yourself (i.e. “visiting the volcano god” or “trying to put the pin back in”), you restart to avoid that overly embarrassing -1 frags.
- You log on a few hours before the crowds show up, get all the weapons, and just wait. As long as it takes.
- You close your eyes and see the Quake guy eating cocktail shrimp.
- You’re in denial. “I don’t really like Quake that much. I just don’t have anything else to do.” You then proceed to play for three hours nonstop.
- You have function keys to change your name and colors for those exciting “hotseat” multi-player Quake-fests.
- You frequently find yourself brewing a pot of coffee entirely for the purpose of staying up late to play Quake.
- You play Duke Nukem 3D because it’s just so quaint.
Now, we understand that Quake addiction can be a frightening thing. That’s why we’re also bringing you the first in our series of Verbosity Self-Help ProgramsTM:
How to Beat Your Quake Addiction
Five Easy Methods
- Cold Turkey: No more Quake whatsoever! That’s right — stop playing, get it off your harddrive, and throw away the CD (or delete the zips for all you warez puppies out there). If you start feeling the urge to play, have a close personal friend slap you around a bit. If that doesn’t help, go find an enemy to do it. Whatever you do, though, don’t play Quake. Within a few weeks, if you can make it through the tough adjustment period, you should be winging your way back to a relatively normal life.
- Phasing Out: This method is a little less sudden and a little more humane that the above Cold Turkey Method. Basically, you begin slowly weaning yourself off Quake a little at a time. First, you drop down to playing an hour or so a day. Then, you start working to making it an entire day without playing the game. In no time flat, you’ll be back among the world of the living. If you find yourself stumbling along the way, try playing a little bit of DOOM or even Wolfenstein 3-D to help lighten the anxiety.
- System Shock: Basically, you go and play Dark Forces for an hour or two. We guarantee afterwards you won’t want to play another first-person shooter for the next three months.
- Total Immersion: Please note that the Total Immersion Method can be quite risky and always runs the risk of backfiring. In essence, you should begin to eat, sleep, and breathe Quake. Try to play for at least eight or nine hours straight. Never stand up. Try not to blink if possible. Skip all non-essential meals and other personal engagements. Continue this process for a week. This will result in one of two possibilities. You’ll either be so fed-up with Quake that you’ll never want to play again, or you’ll become even more addicted. Please remember, exercise extreme caution when using this method.
- The “Zombie Method”: This method runs along the “scared straight” philosophy of addiction-breaking. Basically, it’s easy to perform and frighteningly effective, though. Simply enable god mode within Quake, place yourself in a level where a number of zombies rise from the nasty muck. Then, turn up the speaker volume and have a crony restrain your hands. Within mere moments, the screen will be full of those creepy zombies, moaning and throwing their disgusting rotting flesh at you. Hands down, there are no scarier sounds known to man than the groan of a Quake zombie or the splat of a hurled decaying body part making contact with its target. If this doesn’t scare the addiction out of you, nothing will. Chances are, the you’ll never want to play Quake again after only a few minutes of torture. Actually, the odds are pretty good that you’ll not even want to use a computer in the near future. Mission accomplished.
So, there you have it. Both the warning signs and treatment methods of Quake addiction. If you know anyone suffering from this condition, please refer them to this site. If you yourself exhibit any of the above signs, please enter treatment as soon as possible. You can overcome your addiction; verbosity has faith in you.