The Gaming Gourmet Presents: Be a Gamer… and a lover!

 

The Gaming Gourmet
Presents: Be a Gamer … and a lover!
By – Chef Louis Tete Fromage, Gaming Gourmet
Chef illustrations from Penny Arcade

Chef Louis Tete Fromage: Master Gamer and Romance Novelist. Invented the rocket jump, originally as a marital aid.

‘Allo once again faithful readers! Speaking to you as a man who has had hundreds of intimate relationships with the opposite gender — chalk up a couple more as I write this — I am often asked how a gamer like myself manages to be such a hit with the ladies. I answer this is one of two ways:

1. I swear she looked 18, officer.

2. I attribute my success to the simple fact that

I GOT SKIZZLES !! [sic]

That’s right. Fortunately, your lack of Skizzles is not a situation without remedy. Do you have Skizzles? This chart should help you find out:

Skizzles:	No Skizzles:
Invite her to your place for wine, chicken, and rice. Teach her to play The Sims.	Invite her to your place for cheese doodles. Make her watch you play Unreal Tourney for two hours.

Gaming Gourmet Recipe Number Sixteen:Yes, the way to a woman’s heart — aside from plunging a spike into her sternum — is through her tummy! Which you should always compliment for its flatness. Allow me to share the secret to a skizzled life:

Five Spice Skizzle-Chicken

The Situation: You have finally found a woman who doesn’t think a “frag” is a type of air mattress.

The Chef’s Recommendation: Woo her with chicken! Because everybody likes the chicky-chicky. I recommend this five spice chicken because 1. it contains booze and 2. even you could make it, without even bothering to log off of Asheron’s Call.

What you need: Chicken, wine, some seasonings, and a grill. Look how easy this is:

• 1 cup white wine
• 1 cup teriyaki sauce
• 1 teaspoon chinese 5 spice seasoning
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 2 pounds chicken pieces

Skizzles:	Semi- Skizzled:	No Skizzles:
Propose to her online via a romantic Internet comic strip	Propose to her EverQuest character	Propose a threesome with her 16 year old sister

Preparation: Mix everything but the chicken together in a bowl. Then place the chicken in a large pan and pour the sauce over it, as you pour the napalm across some unsuspecting schmuck in Kingpin deathmatch. Allow them to marinate for three hours, rotating them every hour.

Wine Skizzles:	No Wine Skizzles:
A rich Merlot	Mad Dog 20/20

Now that the chicken is marinating, you have many options. You can attempt in vain to beat me at Excessive Quake, only to lose because your Quake abilities remind me of my parents having sex. Or, you could actually focus on how to maybe present this meal with some delicacy. Yeah, anyone can slap a chicken on a plate and tell her to “Suck it down, I got a clan match coming up!” But consider this:

Preparing Your Meal for Maximum Skizzlocity

First, consider the locale. String some white christmas lights around the patio, and make sure to throw away the old beer cans. Cover your cheap plastic card table with a tablecloth to cover the joint burns your friends left on there while playing Magic: The Gathering of All Your Money. Serve an appetizer — warm up some rolls in the microwave, serve them in a basket along with some grapes. Light some candles. Do not use your bic lighter with the little plastic naked woman floating inside. Serve her on actual china instead of paper plates that say “Happy Near Year 98.”

When the chicken is done marinating, simply grill the pieces on a grill until cooked throughout. Baste with the sauce as necessary. That is right! Now you are cooking with skizzles, hombre! I think this could be a turning point for you. Be sure to invite me to your EverQuest wedding. I hardly ever kill my friends’ girlfriends for experience. Mostly. Hey, that little halfling slut was askin’ for a manbeating.

 – Chef Louis Tete Fromage 

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