Sex and Quake, by Flynx, October 14, 1998

October 14, 1998, Dealing with Sex

Sex.  Sex is in fact, not a reason to play Quake.  In point of fact, it usually drags you away from Quake.  How many wonderfual frags fest’s have been destroyed by sly vixens lurking up behind us to nibble our ears?  Feminine wiles are far to distracting, especially when those wiles are in your lap.

For those of you who do not have a significant other you are easily identifiable in games of Team Fortress as the guy who has carried the flag, through the base, past the turrets, over the top and is preparing to score, and does so!.  10 points of ass stomping bliss lie but pixels away! Then there are the others…Why does he pause!?! Watch suddendly as his course becomes erratic, as he attempts, VALIANTLY to fight those urges which pueberty gave him.  Testosterone roaring in his ears, his two basic functions now waring for domination of a split mind: KILL, REPRODUCE, both mighty powers of evolution, the only two reasons which justified our existence for millenia until it was discovered we could be used to carry packages!

Suddenly a messages flashes, “Uh…I gotta go, and like, do my taxes…” as blood which had been supplying the necessary brain cells to calculate rocket jumps is diverted elsewhere.  The flag is lost, your team loses advantage, the great war rages on.

Ironically however, women do not seem to suffer from this problem.

Many young male Quake players have asked the eternal question, “I DO love her but dammit I wanna play a game without distractions.” I have spent many hours pondering this in deep thought and concentration. This is the solution I have finally arrived at, and I will explain it in 3 distinct parts:FIRST, you must…umm…I…I gott go, and like, do my taxes…

My thanks would go to Dymyndback for aiding my in the many hours of research put into this editorial.

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