The Weak of the Week – November 15th, 1998

(The best of the worst Heartless Bitches Membership Applications)by JadeSyren (and Nataliep)

One of the best parts of this job (Back-up Bitch Bouncer) is wading through some of the funniest concepts of what people think Bitch means. Most of them are rejected for exhibiting a complete lack of grammatical capability – it’s hard to believe someone isn’t a card-carrying member of the weak-minded underclass when they have trouble with even the most basic forms of written communication. (Yes, I would make exceptions in cases where English isn’t the native tongue… but that generally isn’t a problem. In my experience, the English as a Second Language folks tend to speak and write better English than WE do. Sad but true.) Usually, applicants exhibit poor grammar by demonstrating a pronounced inability to understand the following rudimentary concepts:

That A LOT is TWO words
The THERE, THEIR, THEY’RE bug.
The intricate difference between TO, TOO and TWO.
Cre-8-tiv spelling…(this means U)
The home of the “capslock” key.

We’ve decided that this is just too much of a good thing to keep to ourselves, so here they are…the Weak of the Week.

Email : somelamer@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I’m not, I’m simply a woman who lacks patience for stupidity.

[Then why bother applying to Heartless Bitches? I’m sure there are many anti-stupidity sites that would love to mock, scorn and shun you.]

One Liner:
If you don’t feed me, clothe me, warm my heart or my bed, then you nor your opinions count for anything.

[Tell ya what. I’ll send some pyros right over to set fire to that bed of yours, so you can value their opinion.]

Email : yetanotherlamer@aol.co
[(because she can’t afford the M in COM. AOL musta raised their rates again.)]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am not a bitch i am THE bitch, I am also god get on your knees and pray.

[You can bet that if YOU are God (nice variation on the normal trite phrase. One day, we’ll have to do the top ten overused lines in HBI) I am praying. Always…that you’ll be overthrown.]

One Liner:
Stop analyizing my behaivor your far too dumb to work it out.

[Look who’s talking.]

Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?

[Funny you mention we.]

Email : someonepathetic@worldlink.com.au

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
THE THOUGHT OF HELPLESS WOMEN MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT!!!!!!!!

[The thought of you running loose on the streets makes me rethink my position on gun control.]

One Liner:
I have ESP and PMT so that makes me the BITCH that knows everything!!!11

[If you really had ESP, you wouldn’t have submitted this. What is PMT…Pacific Mountain Time? Is it 11 o’clock where you are? Is that why the 11 is at the end of your sentence? How cute, you time stamped it for us.]

Email : lame-o@onramp.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless bitch

[Er…no you’re not.]

because there is this guy that I know who is in love with me and I find him utterly repulsive, but I let him buy me presents and sometimes I actually smile at him. I have him so well trained that if I say jump he says how high. I belittle him in public,

[Fellate him in private…]

snap at him, hit him, slap him, basically I treat him worse than I would treat a dog. I even treat him like shit at work. Our boss told him to be a man and tell me off. I just looked at him and he hung his head and said he was sorry. He is such a loser. But I will take his money and when it runs out, I will just replace him. Also, my boyfriend understands that everything I say is law. I have no problems with putting him back in his place with a few snaps of whip.

[But it’s different when you’re a sex worker, right. I mean, don’t they pay you to debase them? Why else would you use a whip?]

He also understands that if I want to sleep with someone else I will and he will accept it. Of, course he isn’t allowed to cheat at all.

[Not that you’re aware of, anyway.]

My own mother called me a Heartless Bitch when she found out about my lifestyle. It was my proudest moment.

One Liner:
(response to total a-holes asking for my number)My phone number? Its P-I-S-S-O-F-F.

[You can type shit and piss, but not asshole?]

Email : el-loser@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch: i smply dont give a a rats ass

[Well, who keeps asses on hand to give? Who accepts them?]

One Liner:
well a bitch is a bitch and hey guess what so am i!

[Maybe you should have given a rat’s ass about the content of this application.]

Email : moron@inwave.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I guess you job will not be easy Because I don’t do anything I don’t want to .

[Why apply if you don’t want to? Still, my job is largely unaffected, but it IS a tad more amusing now that you’ve dropped by.]

I am a bitch because I am tierd of people saying if I don’t get thing i will just die I just want ot say then go do it don’t

[Is one of those things a spell-checker, mayhap? I’m not a spelling nazi, but Good Gravy. It’s just plain hard to understand what you are saying. Not like that matters a whole hell of a lot, anyway.]

tell me about it I am sick of people that have a problem of CUNT+Cant Understand Normal Thiking. that whine because rhey are not

[Oh, how clever. Yet another acronym to add to the collection.]

waht they want to be SO change it!Because Guys sending me mushy e-cards with love and commintment makes me want to Puke. I am sick of woman that talk about guy looking like the are a sex object I want to say put so clothes on your ass and they will stop. I bored of men

[Where do you hang out that the women are naked?]

whineing about being Divorced. They were the sucker that got married. I think Romatic sounds are for people that live in a fantasy and if you

[What are romantic sounds? Did I miss yet another press conference?]

have to apoligies to someone you are a sucker tell them to piss or get off the pot. Life is what you make it so don’t Bitch to me about it . If ya would all just get laid ya would have nothing to complain about

[Physician, heal thyself.]

One Liner:
You are a Cunt Know Why? You Can’t UnderStand Normal Thinking

[A theme she thought so nice, she vomitted it up for us twice…]

Email : somegal@wheelock.edu

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have a boyfriend only to ruin his life. At times when he is upset and I should feel bad I just sit back and laugh. Guys are rotten, although I am not gay.

[??? Why are you telling us that you’re not gay? Didn’t you establish that you had a boyfriend, and your name revealed your gender?]

I have no feelings when I see a guy upset. They have no feelings, why should I??

[Indeed. Why NOT generalize and become bitter as well as the asshole you rant about?]

One Liner:
Men suck and then we kill them off.

[I wanna see this man-killin’ female posse.]

Email : SHOUTINGLAMER@AOL.COM

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

I WAS A STUPID ASS WHO LET MYSELF BE ABUSED FOR TOO MANY YEARS.THEN I DECIDED IT WAS ENOUGH ,I GOT OUT MY 22,AND LET HIM KNOW WHO WAS BOSS.I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED NOW FOR 4 YEARS.

[Some folks call that murder.]

One Liner:
MEN HAVE ONLY ONE REASON IN LIFE ,WHICH I HAVENT QUITE FIGURED IT OUT YET THOUGH

[You’re not very inventive. From your article alone, I got ‘target practice’ as a reason. Perhaps I had you pegged all wrong. You’re not the pistol-packin’ mama I thought you were. Oh, no. You’re the gun-wavin’ floozy. You probably cried as you went for his gun. You let him know who was boss, alright. HE was. He probably snatched that gun right out of your hand and whipped you with it, then he left you.]

Email : dweeb@jmu.edu

UserID : FuckYou

[How cute. JMU dork, take one. *snap*]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don’t really care about anyone except myself. I do care about others, but not really. I never sympathize for idiots and I do not believe in handouts or second chances.

[And this is supposedly a college student. Sympathize for idiots, indeed. Well, little moron, we don’t sympathize for idiots ourselves.]

I always get what I want, no matter what it takes. I’m not sending you shit via snail mail. I think that if you were half the bitch you claim to be, you would have no need for a club.

[If you believed that you were half the bitch you claim to be, you would have no business applying to this ‘club’.]

You’re pathetic and I’m better than you. I wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t true.

[Sure you would. ‘Cause you’re a liar. Remember when you said you care about others, but not really? You say things you don’t mean all the time. Besides, what do we care about what you think. You’re not in our little ‘club’. So there.]

One Liner:
Hey bitch, get me another beer!

[*snort* Yeah, right. You’re not even old enough to drink it.]

Email : friendofdweeb@jmu.edu

UserID : Stinky

[How cute. JMU doofus, take two. *snap*]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
You all are lame. I have a feeling this is a club for fat and ugly women who can’t satisfy a man.

[You are so right. We’re all fat, hairy, ugly, lesbians that can’t satisfy a man, a studly man like you.]

One Liner:
Suck my dick, bitch.

[But…but…ours are bigger.]

Email : twit@yahoo.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Life is short and I love to be loved by a lot of men. Fuck me hard and deap.

[Spelling isn’t a prerequisite when you’re trolling for prick, I suppose.]

One Liner:
The woman is to be fuked !

[Fuked if I know what fuked means. Does fuked rhyme with nuked? Anyone?]

Email : halfwit@gte.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
the boyfriend dumped me for my best friend….then she left his ass…now the sorry ass fucker wants to come back…hah!!!!!!

[Stop hiding behind your excess punctuation. We all know that you’ll take him back even before he forms the complete sentence.]

this babe has found life is more exciting with variety!!!!!!!!

[And she bought the value-pak of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!! New!!! from!!! Mead!!! the!!! fore!!! runners!!! in!!! grammatical!!! technology!!!!!!!!!!!!. (Comes with a free set of parentheses and a period for good measure)]

One Liner:
“YOU WOULD HAVE TO STAND IN LINE TO HATE HIM”

[She must be fresh out, because she didn’t have any for that sentence. Stand in line to hate him? Now I know that you’ll take him back, because you are still thinking about him. Damned if I’d stand in line on some loser.]

Email : cheapskate@geocities.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a bitch and would never pay for a internet supplier! I “borrowed” an account from a friend. Live with it!

[Bitches pay their own way, they don’t syphon from friends. What you are is a thief.]

He does.

[Oh, you mean that you’re not allowed to have your very own account. “Borrowing” an account is a far cry from sneaking on the computer while he’s not home.]

To be a bitch is not hard. The best thing is to not even try.

[Works for you, right?]

If someone is a pain – ignore them! There is nothing that will get them more upset.

[*whistling while she checks her empty e-mailbox.*]

I have no time for begging. If you don’t like it – leave it.

[All your time is devoted to servitude to the man with access, eh?]

One Liner:
I don’t have the time to put on my make-up every day. I need that time to clean my rifle.

[If you’re not allowed to have internet access, how are we supposed to believe that you own a gun?]

Email : braindead@aol.com

URL : aol

[This is one person that actually believes that AOL is the internet.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I’m a bicth because I but balls and chew people up and spit them out I have no mercy.

[and run-on sentences ruthlessly. Which I doubt she can spell.]

I am heartless bitch. I believe all who upset me should have their peni’s ripped from the base of their torso. is that a bicth for you.

[Good Grief Gracious no. Bitches can spell. It’s important to be able to spell Bitch. What is a peni? What exactly of Peni’s are we ripping off or from the torso base? What does “I am heartless bitch” mean, anyway. I’m still trying to figure out “but balls”. Wait an eternally damned minute. This is the exact same lame ass application we mocked last time. Get a clue twit, you’re not going to sneak in. Not with this crap.]

One Liner:
I’m Ms bicth you okay

[I get it, she has a lisp. So, she’s “Msth Bitshch”, and she’s kind enough to ask if we’re okay. How sweet.]

Email : co-dependant@oswego.edu

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
…the guy i live with tries to understand me and keep me happy, yet aggravates me in the process, so i am STILL kicking his unemployed butt out at the end of the year!

[Let’s get this straight. He’s trying to make this relationship work, but you’re saying that he has nothing to offer you. You want to end it, and you’re going to make him wait until the end of the year? What about this makes you anything but clingy and foolish?]

One Liner:
if you don’t like my attitude, it’s because of yours, dick.

[How juvenile. I don’t have an attitude…You do. No, You. You. You. How…ordinary.]

Email : idiot@aol.com and idiot@aol.com

[She figured out how to make extra identities. How clever of her.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I’m a Heartless Bitch because I pretty much dont feel sorry for any of the things I’ve done. I never say the “s” word, which is sorry to most guys…I made up a list of 15 ways to be a bitch and follow it all the time..I get boyfriends to fight ex’s, and pretty much wake up in the morning thinking how to be a bitch to make someone’s life shitty.

[This is why she’s failing Junior High.]

One Liner:
“Hey…maybe if you try sleeping on your face, your nose will pop in, and your chest will pop out, then maybe it’ll boost you self-esteem, and you wont be the insecure bitch that you are right now!”

[Obviously she’s no science whiz. If you sleep on your face, your chest will not pop up because you are mashing it into the mattress. Jeez…where did you learn anatomy? Besides, not all of us stash our self-esteem into our bras…cash, maybe.]

Email : justdumb@interfusion.net.au

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i am a bitch and proud of it. i have heaps of things in mmy house that have bitch on it.i am

[…a collector. Having shit in your house with “Bitch” on it doesn’t mean that you are a bitch. Does it make me a comet because that’s the picture on my mug?]

One Liner:
I am not a bitch.I am the bitch

[*yawn*]

Email : herrealname@gte.net

UserID : (insert boyfriend here)

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because I just don’t give a fuck ok. Get the fuck out of my face with your problems because I have my own and also your breath isn’t too fresh. i would hand you a tissue but I just don’t care enough to so I won’t. Get it got it good.

[Boy, she really knows how to zing ’em in there, doesn’t she. I don’t know about you, but I was cut to the quick with the “breath isn’t too fresh” remark. Ouch. Oh. Talking tough is not her forte, is it?]

One Liner:
I go for what I know because i am the only one around here who knows something.

[If you go for what you know… Nah. Too easy.]

Email : onenon-editingwhiner@webtv.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

well, where should i start?haha

[With the delete button. With the ‘Close’ button. Push POWER. Try “Back”. Control+F4.]

lets just say ive been a bitch before the word got ‘cool’ ( another thing that pisses me off, ‘barbie dolls’ who say ‘ohh, ima bitch’) whatever!!

[Barbie doesn’t say that. I sincerely hope you’re not speaking figuratively. You’d be a hypocrite.]

as a matter of fact, i was just joking with a friend of mine saying how funny it is that when i meet people, i tell them straight out im a bitch, they go’no your not’, but then they turn around and say ‘god your such a bitch’ as if they wernt warned!! dumbfucks!

[I think you should keep any friend that you seem to be smarter than. There can’t be too many people like that.]

go ahead, call me before noon, keep trying to talk to me after i tell you i dont feel good,THEN bring ‘barbie’ over!!haha no, really, im a nice person, just dont piss me off!!am i alone in this? hell no!! ps. i usually dont hate the world, i just got real bad cramps. i figure the worlds now been warned, right? lol

[Oh yes. We grow anxious in your wake. Locking the doors against your arrival.]

One Liner:
ITS NOT LIKE YOU WERNT WARNED, SO SHUT THE F… UP!!

[I have seen the future…and it is so lame.]

Email : aweakmind@renfrew.net

UserID : (yetanotherboyfriendID)

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

One Liner:
I don’t suck!…..I blow!

[Take it from us. You suck.]

Email : clueless@aol.com

UserID : cunt

[Real feelings exposed in IDs.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I confronted a total bitch (she was the one sleeping with my husband of twenty nine years) at

[I certainly hope that your husband was 29, and that you weren’t married for 29 years. I hate to think that someone that old could be so limp-brained. If she’s a bitch, then why do you want to be one too?]

HER house and at HER job when she wouldnt leave me and my hubs alone AFTER he had told her it was over……. she said I was a BITCH……. well, then I’m PROUD to be called one!!!!!! Would do it again in a heartbeat.

[Wrong adjective. You are completely without clues. Do you really think it’s over? Do you really believe he said that? Would you believe someone that lied to you before? What would you do again? Make a fool of yourself over a man that doesn’t want to be in that relationship? Oh, yes. I must be slipping. You’re bitch material after all. (yea, right)]

One Liner:
If I’m a BITCH…..then your a CUNT!

[Ah, you completely missed the point, and this is just further proof. Tell ya what. Leave us alone, and go back to wasting time on that marriage of yours. You need all of your brain focused on one little thing at a time.]

Email : wordywindbag@wwisp.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I realized that at an early age that I was going to be discriminated against by sexist people (men and women alike)

[Duh, well, yea. People are only men and women. Can’t think of any other options right now.]

because I am a Big Beautiful Woman (BBW), I am above average looking, and because I have intelligence. Men would look at my chest and try to talk to me about how they understand what being discriminated against was like, and I would laugh in their faces. A good professional example would be the following.

[I’d just be happy if your point was easily seen, instead of overly described.]

After I got my Bachelor’s degree in Microbiology, I decided to take some time off and work in the real world before I persued my Doctorate degree.

[You would think that a Doctorate hopeful would be able to spell pursue or at least understand the basic principle behind a spellchecker.]

I went to work at a Credit Union back in June, and no matter what my title has been (either Training Coordinator or Document Imaging Analyst), I am still treated as a secretary by a

[They both sound like secretarial positions.]

majority of the men, up to and including the President, who were employed at the CU. I am not, nor will I ever be a secretary there, so instead of whining about my situation, I decided to take action. Any time there was a meeting that I know I need to be a part of, I made it a point to be there. I did not sit there like a lump on a log just to be an annoyance, but I voiced opinions and facts that were vital to the subject and then watch the faces of all who have the gall to be shocked that someone like me could say such intelligent things. I also stood up for my beliefs and my lifestyle in the face of people such as the actual secretary for the President.

[Why were they shocked? You have a bachelor’s degree, you were studying for your Doctorate. Seems only natural that you’d say smart things. Except now. Why should we be impressed because you smarted off to a secretary, anyway?]

She is quoted as saying, “I was a virgin when I married. I don’t approve of you living with your boyfriend without the benefit of marriage.” I responded in kind by looking at her and saying, “well, I am so relieved

[How did she know your personal business in the first place?]

that I now know the opinion that I did not solicit or desire. I did not ask for your approval, nor is it needed. I am happy doing things the way I like, not the way that a man-made religion dictates. Now, when you and your husband have the relationship that I have with my partner, then be sure to let me know. In the interim please sweep around your doorstep before you condemn anyone else’s home.”

[So, “Fuck off” wouldn’t have covered it? Christ, you’re even wordy in reality.]

On a more personal level, I love the man that I live with enough to allot him the pleasure of my

[All that intelligence and you couldn’t think of a title for a live-in lover.]

company. I respect him only as far as he respects me, which is immense. I thank him when he is not what most males are, and I condemn him and try to enlighten him when he is. And I do not

[Meaning that she tries not to laugh directly in his face when he can’t get it up. Who the fuck appointed you ‘teacher’ anyway. I don’t want to live with my son.]

bend to his will. I support him as he supports me, we practice safe, healthy, mutually satisfying sex and do not care what people say about our physical, emotional, or sexual life. As long as we are happy, then that is all that matters. We have fulfilling lives outside of our

[I’ll bet that you’re one of those people that bores your co-workers silly with the details of your private life…whether they want to hear them or not, aren’t you?]

relationship, and we do not have to be areound each other constantly to be complete, we choose to be around each other as much as possible becasue we are the other’s best friend and confidant.

[Because you’re the only people that can stand one another.]

When I meet someone who is an idiot in one sense or another, I try to educate them, or show them what respect means, and if they are not capable of receiving such lessons, then I astuely tell them to go back to the rung of the evolutionary ladder from which they came so that I can resume my healthy, happy, well-balanced and totally independent lifestyle. I even go as so far as to recognize the fact that in a world as diverse as ours that there is going to be a population of ignorance that no one can help. For those that fall into that category, I just try to make sure that they do not get in the way of those of us that realize that progress is necessary and natural, and in being necessary and natural, is going to come whether the ignorant ones like it or not…and that it is only a matter of time.

[How do you find room for both you and your ego?]

Oh, and I take pride in the fact that my Father worships a Goddess, respects my Mother in all things after 40 years of marriage, knows when to admit when he is wrong and does, and raised me with my sense of independence alongside my Mother.

[This isn’t about your parents, it’s about you.]

I am proud that I am a woman. I am a Dominate, a Submissive, a Bitch, a Goddess, a Professional, a Lover, a Best Friend, a Healer, a Person, a Romantic, a Human, and most importantly, I am myself and make no apologies to anyone for being exactly who I am; no more, no less.

[Would that you took less to tell us more.]

One Liner:
“When I’m good, I’m good, but when I’m bad, I’m better,” Honorary HB, Mae West

[You could take a lesson from her. Brevity is the soul of wit.]

Email : poetic?@bigfoot.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Limitations

I’m sorry to inform you
That the Statute of Limitations
Has run out
On my emotional detachment

[Meaning that she’ll whine and beg you to stay. Hey, wait a minute. Whine. Beg. Stay. I’m getting a distinct obedience school theme here.]

I sincerely regret to tell you
I can no longer fuck you
If you can’t sleep with me
The following night

[Meaning that she’s laying down the law and putting a price tag on her ass. Albeit a cheap tag, but a tag nonetheless. Did it ever occur to these hoo-hoos that there’s an easier way to do this?]

Do you want me to resort to dogs?

[Aha. That’s why I got this creepy feeling on the back o’my neck. Dogs? Perhaps this is a clever way to refer to men that sleep with women solely for the purpose of sex? Nah. This poem just sucks.]

One Liner:
I suck, which is a fine quality in women and vacuum cleaners.

[Amen. Couldn’t have said it better.]

Email : weirdo@AOL.COM

UserID : NOCOCK

[She’d like us to believe that she’s transgendered.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am the only person in my house who had to go to f_cking anger control. the worst is, i really do enjoy it!! my husband has learned how to do alot of househubby’s jobs.

[I’m a sicko, and I’m glad, because now I get all this nifty attention and pity. Why is your husband learning to do househubby’s jobs? Did you fire him?]

One Liner:
IF YOU CAN’T CONTROL A MAN, THEN BECOME ONE

[*gasp* Is she trying to tell us something? Something lame? You betcha.]

Email : doofus.yk.net

[How much do ya wanna bet that’s UK.net?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a bitch because I don’t like to listen to people whine and moan about their dramas. I don’t want to hear about mens cock size and I don’t put up with petty insults and I deal with them accordingly.

[Does this mean that you cry in the bathroom when someone calls you stupid?]

One Liner:
Fuck off before I slap my dick across your forehead,you little yeast infection with an attitude!

[Wit! Wit! My Queendom for real wit. Err. Sorry, those actually got accepted, didn’t they? Nevermind. Where’d she get a dick anyway? I wonder if they are having a 2 for 1 sale somewhere. Maybe they’re just snatching…um, I mean grabbing them up when that other loser rips them from the bases of torsos. Ya think?]

Email : drunkenmoron@students.wisc.edu

UserID : Bitchface

[Endearments. Aren’t we just so lucky?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I wear spaghetti-strapped silk shirts without a bra and walk to class. Everyone stares at me. Maybe I should shave my chest hair. But I’m a feminist, dammit!

[Sounds like he’s sneaking out of the cross-dressing closet. After all, feminist isn’t synonymous with woman.]

One Liner:
Any rant that has no point and brilliantly displays my ignorance.

For the week of October 4th, 1998

Name: LAMEID

Email : LAMEID@WEBTV.NET

[Oh great – use the same name as your email id. WebTV – the latest bastion of lameness. Rapidly gaining ground on AOL.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

I CAN`T STAND WINNEY ASSES AND PEOPLE THAT ASK STUPID ASS QUESTIONS!!!!!

[I can’t stand people who can’t spell “whine”, and can’t figure out where the capslock key is after hitting it accidentally.]

One Liner:
EAT SHIT AND DIE!!!

[Originality is obviously NOT one of her strengths.]

Name: Denise

Email : lamelamelame@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

My husband, yes like yours, makes me in life, a HEARTLESS BITCH, been there, done that……….he fits the bill in everyway imaginable…you said it, he’s been it, and still is…..Elaina Bobbit….you go girl!!! LOL

[Evidently she has her period(s)………! For starters, It was LORENA, and secondly, WHY do these women stay with lame-assed husbands? Staying with a Dickhead doesn’t qualify you as a Heartless Bitch, it identifies you as an IDIOT.]

One Liner:
Husbands are all the same, only their penis is different, so we can tell them apart!

[*yawn* Lame. Lame. Lame.]

Name: kim

Email : lamelamelame@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

I’m a bitch because I bust balls and chew people up
and spit them out I have no mercy.

[“I have bad grammar and run-on sentences.”]

I am the heartless bitch. I believe all men who upset me should have their peni’s ripped from the bsae of their torso.

[I didn’t know that “peni’s” were attached to the bsae. What IS the “bsae” anyways?]

am i bitchy enough for you.

[Nope.]

One Liner:
I’m ms.bitch to you.

[Not to me, you’re not. Especially not with that HACKNEYED line.]

Name: Jessie

Email : loser@yahoo.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

I am a heatless bitch because I can be.

[oh dear. “Heatless”. Does that mean she’s reptillian? Or is this an indication of some kind of sexual dysfunction, like, for example, Marriage?]

I am so sick and tired of people telling me I am too blunt and I need to be aware of other people’s feelings. What about me? They are making ME feel sick because they are so naive and pathetic. I have no sympathy for anyone. Take you god damned Pity Party somewhere else cause I threw away my invitation!!!

One Liner:
You just hate me bacause you aint me……BITCH!!

[No, you’re too stupid to waste good hate on.]

Name: Sara

Email : twit@someschool.edu

UserID : slut

[oh. lovely.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

Because I say so.

[Wow. Like, totally original.]

I don’t take shit for anybody anymore.

[But do you take A shit for anybody? I mean, can you surrogate shit?]

I have been the nice shy girl for too long and I have decided this year I don’t have to be nice!! I tell my friends what I want and when I want it. And if I don’t get it I throw a fit.

[Sorry sweetie, “temper tantrums” aren’t on the list of Heartless Bitch attributes. Evidently you still haven’t outgrown the “terrible twos”.]

I don’t listen to whinning cause I just don’t care

[nor do you care about spelling or coherency, evidently]

about what they have to say if they can not say it in a normal tone. Basically I like to have fun and if it means to forget about the world to do so.. then fuck it.. i will.

[“I’ve decided to become a narcissistic, self-centered twit, nyah, nyah!”]

One Liner:
Zero to bitch in .5 seconds.. so don’t piss me off.

[Gads. Yet another queen of originality. How DOES she do it?]

Name: L.

Email : lamelamelame@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

recently divorced after 23 yr marriage – jerkface left for another woman

One Liner:
He loves me. Right.

[That doesn’t make you a Heartless Bitch. It makes you a fool for being jerked around, and clearly a bitter one based on your whining about it.]

Name: Hallie

Email : lamelamelame@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

Because I just am you lousy rotten piece of shit! Burn in hell!

[Wow. More endearing words I have never seen. This application certainly tells me that she is an intelligent, original, witty, “take charge” kind of woman. Not.]

One Liner:
I’m not a bitch you stupid piece of shit.

[Let me see… You’re NOT a bitch, but you applied for membership to a site called “Heartless Bitches International”… A little confused are we?]

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