Quake, The Universe, and Everything: Limericks

Limericks

Screen shot 2017-08-17 at 3.01.14 AM.png

What are Limericks?
Limericks are a structured form of poetry that have been around for hundreds of years, especially popular in Western Europe. They often contain plenty of dirty words and phrases; I don’t think that those will be particularly relevant to Quake.

Ok, So Tell Me About Limericks.
Unlike haiku, limericks have titles. Limericks are all five lines, and in the following rhyme form: AABBA, where the A lines are one type of rhyme and the B line are another type. Here is an example Quake Limerick:

There was a young man on a socket,
Who’d been playing Quake in his pocket.
He gibbed into bits
When he realized it’s
Not only quad, but the rocket.
—- Maelstrom

Screen shot 2017-08-17 at 3.03.55 AM

The Limericks

High Ping Blues
I play with a modem, you see,
my ping is as high as could be.
I was winning (great fun),
when came a low one,
I guess he plays better than me.

—- Lemonhead

Crosshairs
There once was a sniper named “Bard”
Who found that “far-killing” ain’t hard
“I kill just for fun
All those who won’t run,
And any who let down their guard.”

—- The Bard

The Gent
There once was a llamalike gent
Whose skillz were not worth a cent.
He thought, “I can get
Not one frag… but still yet,
It’s better than playing Descent!”

—- Rook

Damn Sentry Gun
She walked right into their base,
They didn’t defend the damn place.
She rounded a corner,
And saw right before her,
A Sentry Gun that shot her in the face.

—- Dagger

Superheroes 2
I was playing Superheroes 2.
When I was fragged by an Archmage or two.
I fired my flame,
The gibs, how they came!
I ripped the damn sucker in two!

—- Jay[RwD]

Newbie
I was running around on DM1
Being gibbed by just about everyone
When along came a newbie
And before he could shoot me
I fragged him with my double shotgun

—- Joe Bob

Team Fortress
There was this mod you see,
Team Fortress it was supposed to be,
So when I finally tried it,
Quickly I was shot to shit,
About everyone was fragging me.

—- TheZorkOne

Slob
I play a great game, it’s called Quake!
All day and all night with no break!
I don’t have a job,
I’ve become a fat slob,
It’s better than rubbing my snake!

—- Clamdip {GQ}

Expensive Junk
I was playing Quake with a mass,
Then I left to relieve some gas.
I was fragged constantly,
When I was away, you see,
Auto-fire joysticks, my ass!

—- RaNsAx{[RDC]}

Sniper vs. Demoman
Damn Demomen were just too strong,
I couldn’t survive very long,
Then came 2.6,
Demo’s extras were nixed,
FEEL MY WRATH, AND MY SILENCER’S SONG!

—- RaNsAx{[RDC]}

I was wrong
I was predjudiced, once, you see,
Rocket Arena was just not for me,
Then I played it at last,
That mod kicks much ass!
Forgive, it was just stubborn me.

—- RaNsAx{[RDC]}

Chicken shit
That damn bitch, I hate LPBs,
Always running ’round fast as can be.
Those dicks get no lag,
“Come back here, you fag!”
So why did that bitch run from me?

—- RaNsAx{[RDC]}

Lava Party
Lava is my favorite place you see,
Jumping in gives me great glee.
My frags are -15,
I hollar and scream,
Hey! Let’s have a lava party!

—- PunK-Ass

Team Fortress Blues
I played a team fortress you see,
I played it for all I could be.
But too many buttons to press,
Led me to naught but distress.
I hate that shit, it confuses me!

—- Shithawk

Bad lag? -> SPQ!
SPQ is the way of the day.
Lag too great to enter the fray?
Gib a Fiend with an axe,
Stop a Knight in his tracks,
Turn a Shambler to Shambler Flambé

—- Talmanes

Gal Gnikcuf
Stomp on my nads all day,
My ping rate, it is quite gay.
But still I frag once in a while,
Bodies lain in a small pile,
Frag me now, but later you pay.

—- GodSyzeHate

Superman!
Sometimes I feel like Clark Kent,
That is when I have the pent!
I kick much ass,
Always with class,
It wore out, and to hell I was sent.

—- Danamite

In The Clutch
I grapple and capture the flag,
I blow the base guarders to rags!
And back to my base,
The enemies give chase,
But my T-1 offers no lag.

—- CHARON

The Future Battles
“Grand Poobah” was leading the clan,
Rocket launchers and nailguns in hand,
But we all were moshed,
Since our clan had lost,
Not one of us was left to stand.

—- RaNsAx

Tom’s Revelation
There once was a llama named Tom,
Who thought he was quite the bomb.
So I grabbed the Quad packs,
Fragged him with the axe,
He soon ran home to his mom.

—- Talmanes

The Running Man
My trigger finger, it did itch,
Since some guy tried to give me the ditch.
I charged fast behind,
And his ass was mine,
“Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!”

—- RaNsAx

Horror of the Vore
I once saw the almighty Vore,
So I ran out the room in a horror.
I was thus free of dread,
But then I was dead,
For his missile followed me through the door!

—- PunK-AsS

Rockets and walls don’t mix
Facing the wall I did stand,
With only one rocket in hand.
My finger did slip,
The rocket did rip,
And that put an end to my plan.

—- Defcon

The Mighty Shambler
The shambler is quite a large beast.
He slaps and he kills with great ease.
A mistake I made,
When I launched a grenade,
For those affect him the least!

—- PunK-AsS

Ode to a Crackwhore
I once DM’ed ‘gainst a Crackwhore,
Whose skill knocked me flat on the floor.
She played with such class,
Pulling shots from her ass,
If frags were worth money I’d be POOR!

—- Kublai Khan

600 Ping
I’ve a 600 ping, you see.
So I walk into walls with glee.
I run and I race.
I turn in disgrace.
My rocket comes flying at me!

—- The Quaker

Air Support
Some say it goes against the sport
Others call it a last resort
While others just nag
Cause they can’t reach our flag
I say “It’s not camping, it’s air support!”

—- Hawaiian Lion

Quake World Frame Rate
“QuakeWorld is cool!” it is said
But my FPS really sucks head
This one time I saw
A rocket fly at my jaw
Two frames, and then I am dead

—- Lando

Stupid Newbie
There was a newbie that was quite odd
In the console he kept typing “GOD”
He thought he could cheat
A mistake he won’t repeat
Cause I blew him up using the Quad

—- Hawaiian Lion

Ka-BOOM!
My victim had just stopped to beg,
My rockets blew him into smeg,
He got his vengeance instead,
Something slammed into my head,
And I was killed by his flying right leg.

—- Don Euclid

Ammo
I ran out of bullets at last
And this asshole begins to relax
While he’s playing God
I ran and got Quad
And split him in half with my axe.

—- Don Euclid

Buh-Bye, Sentry Gun
Engineer reaches into his pocket
Builds a sentry with ratchet and socket
He leaves it alone
(An act I condone)
Since I need to feed it my rocket

—- [DV]Burketron

Mouse Convert
I once was a llama you see
My keyboard was just fine for me
There were keys everywhere
Knocked ’round here and there
Damn mousers they kept killing me.

—- [DV]Burketron

The Cough
There once was a player named Stan.
Who had a grenade in his hand.
When Stan stopped to cough.
The damn thing went off.
And no one could find him again.

—- The Quaker

Fraglimit = 50
I’ve been playing since quarter past noon
And I think I can now see the moon
My eyes are all crusty
My clothes smell real musty
So someone please reach fifty SOON!

—- Theseus

Priorities
I used to play day out and day in
‘Till some girl came in and said “El fin!”
But she was more than a whore
‘Twas in fact a great bore
So I kicked the bitch out ‘n’ kept playin’!

—- Theseus

Low Ping Means Shit!
What’s this ’bout twenty eight eight
Just call Bell and set up a date
They’ll be there in time
To set up your line
And you’ll find you receive the same fate!

—- Theseus

Unlucky
A player that never had luck
For some reason always got stuck
He had very bad lag
Or enjoyed turning to slag
After each time, he’d type “WTF!?”

—- Hawaiian Lion

Sacrifice
I was swimming around like a barge
Looking for the flag carrier that is at large
He appeared in my face
Then tried to swim to base
But instead he accepted my discharge

—- Hawaiian Lion

Bullseye!!
Into the Net game I jumped
Weapon ready, adrenaline pumped
In the corner of my eye
I saw some lamer go by
Then on the ground his body was slumped.

—- Penalty Shot==o

The Lagger’s Lament
My modem connection is grating
Quake on 28.8, I am hating
The terrible lag
Is always a drag
For instead of Quaking, I’m skating

—- Penalty Shot==o

Low Ping Bastard
I was fragging them all, 1-2-3
I fought to the top, hee hee hee!
When to my surprise
We’re *all* dropping like flies
Oh Great! It’s a damn LPB!

—- Penalty Shot==o

Lightning Suprise…
Been losing to an LPB named Cutter,
Who was sweeping my gibs in the gutter,
I’ve no need to run,
Got the Quad Lightning Gun!
And sliced that poor fool open like butter.

—- Red Barchetta

Target Practice
There’s nothing I like more than scrags
And putting their bodies in bags
They drop left and right
Hardly put up a fight
While increasing my number of frags

—- Kub Khan

Woes of a Weenie
There once was a weenie named Joe
Who blasted himself in the toe
He let out a shriek
That branded him weak
His death quickly came from below.

—- Monk-E

The Rocket Launcher
This is probably the best gun
It makes Quake a whole lot of fun
We all know the sound
They shout HIT THE GROUND
If you don’t you are very well done

—- Bishop

The Woes of Summer
There once was a player named Jim
Your ping’s always higher than him
Now school has let out
A T1 without,
And Jim’s ping now looks mighty grim…

—- [SOC]PeYoTe

Mr. Invincible
When running through the enemy base
take heed lest the bad guys give chase
I failed to look back
and felt a soft WHACK
the bullet emerged from my face

—- Death Boy

Q-Spy
There once was a lamer named Ty
His pings always WAY friggin’ high
Lag made him puke
So he went back to Duke
If only he’d gotten Q-Spy.

—- Fragmaster

Memories of Teamfortress
There was a young chappy called Stu
A sniper he was tall and true
On his neck felt a nick
From a crafty medic
And he died there and then from the flu

—- [BRU]God-Child

Ping Relief
There was a sad man from Dundee
Whose ping was one thousand and three
So tired of lag
He packed up his bag
And flew all the way to M3

—- [BRU]Flameboy

Mopping Blood
There’s nothing like killing a Vore
And kicking its corpse on the floor
Rockets, grenades
And even axe blades
It’s the cleanup that’s always a chore

—- Kub Khan

They just won’t stop
I played a kick-ass game called Quake
The monsters never gave me a break
First came a big ogre
Another came over
This was more than I could ever take

—- Bobba Fett

Diary of a CTF fiend
I ran up and grabbed the red flag
I spun and got stuck on a snag
A red in his base
Shot me in the face
They wiped up my gibs with a rag

—- Da Gimp [GUN]

HPB’s Revenge
There was an LPB, Jon Sun
Who played Quake and constantly won
But one day at half three
He was saddened, you see
‘Cos he graduated and lost his T1

—- [BRU]Flameboy

PineApple Surprise
While chugging a volume of Snapple,
I was feeding a llama pineapple,
With consummate class,
I was fragging his ass,
Till the bugger decided to grapple.

—- RockApe

Quake sounds
There once was a game we called Quake
That caused me to shiver and shake
While hearing its sounds
My fears did abound
As I fell and impaled on a stake

—- BOFH

Ogre Meets With Axe
There once was an ogre I killed
Who had his fat nasty guts spilled
He launched a grenade
I moved in with the blade
When my axe split his gut I was thrilled!

—- Kub Khan

Quake Addiction
There was a young man who played Quake
For days and days with no break
His wife ran away
His dog died the same day
But all he could think of was Quake

—- [BRU]Flameboy

You Think You’re Better Than ME?!
While playing up on Trinidad
I encountered a sight that was sad
A damn LPB
Gibbing all he could see
NOW DON’T GO AND MAKE HELMUT MAD!

—- Helmut [HP]

The Scratchy Shambler
A shambler with quite a bad rash
Got angry and then tried to smash
Everyone around
And making a sound
Like several cars having a crash.

—-Maelstrom

https://web.archive.org/web/20010413114126/http://www.planetquake.com:80/que/limerick/limerick.htm

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