The Top 10 Ways To Ensure That You Win At a LAN

3DActionPlanet | Articles | The Top 10 Ways To Ensure That You Win At a LAN

by: CitizenC & StoneWolf | March 31, 2001

Hey, who doesn’t love going to a LAN?  There isn’t anything more gratifying then fragging somebody… and then hearing them screaming obscenities from across the room.  However, some of us could use a little help; for those people, we offer the following list of 10 ways to guarantee that you win!  Some may call it cheating… but they are just sore losers.  Pictures courtesy of Fargo, Hellchick, and the rest of the GameSpy crew!

10. Steal Other Peoples RAM

CitizenC: As we all know, more RAM makes your computer run faster. So, logically speaking, if you steal other peoples RAM, it will make THEIR computer slower and YOUR computer faster, at the same time! Plus, it’s easier to just steal it instead of, you know, getting a job and buying it.

StoneWolf: Not to mention that you will load the maps much faster than them, allowing you to grab all the armor, weapons and powerups before they’re even in the game. Nothing says, “Welcome to the game,” quite like a quad rocket to the skull.

CitizenC: You know, that happens with me when I play Counter-Strike: I load the maps almost twice as fast as everybody else, due to my mad amount of RAM. (512 MB) So, I spawn as a terrorist, set my trusty glock to “burst fire” and haul ass to the counter-terrorist spawn. There, I await the one guy to spawn, and I shoot him in the head, point blank. They never know what hit them.

StoneWolf: You know, you often slip in a little bit of info about your system in these articles, like you’re trying to impress somebody. Tell me, what kind of CPU do you have, CitizenC?

[CitizenC hangs his head in shame]

CitizenC: A Celeron 466.

9. Blind Your Opponent With Your Optical Mouse

CitizenC: You know, this is one of the coolest things about the Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer: the light inside is so amazingly bright, you can use it like a flashlight! I once spent an entire evening with friends using it to make shadow puppets on the walls.

StoneWolf: Simple things use simple minds. The reasons why I got an optical mouse are simple:

  1. It’s a very precise tool for aiming.
  2. According to the manual, “Use of controls or adjustments or performance of procedures other than those specified herin may result in hazardous radiation exposure.”

Who wouldn’t want a radioactive mouse?

CitizenC: You know, I don’t think I could think of a single person who wouldn’t want a radioactive mouse. In fact, I think I’ll try shining the little red light into my eyes later on — maybe it will give me super powers.

StoneWolf: Yes, you go do that now.

CitizenC: Ok, I will!

[CitizenC shines the light from optical mouse into his eyes]

CitizenC: IEEEEEEEEEEEEE! It burns! The pain, oh the pain!

StoneWolf: [Steals some of CitizenC’s RAM]

CitizenC: Woah! I can see through stuff now! And.. wait a minute.. half of my RAM is gone! Do you have anything to do with this?

StoneWolf: [Runs]

8. Bribe Somebody To “Trip” Over The Power Cord

[CitizenC walks behind StoneWolf’s computer.]

CitizenC: (Very non-chalantly) Do be do.. *Whistle*… nothing going on here. No sir! Say, what’s that over there!

[CitizenC trips over StoneWolf’s power cord]

CitizenC: Woops!  Looks like you lose.

StoneWolf: DIE!! [Grabs the power cord and chokes CitizenC with it]

CitizenC: Urgle.. ynh chtngsh bsdhdrd!

7. Strategically Place Mirrors So You Can See Other Peoples Screens

StoneWolf: CitizenC is coming from under the bridge *blam blam*. Thorokano is near the first bomb point *boom* *bang*. Silencer is camping at the ledge *slash splat*.

[CitizenC points his optical mouse at the mirror, blinding StoneWolf]

StoneWolf: Yeeeow! [Falls of his chair and stumbles around the room]

CitizenC: Muwhaha — that will show YOU for choking me to death with your power cord! I don’t know how it got unplugged, though. Honest!

StoneWolf: [Trips over CitizenC’s power cord]

6. Hire An Exotic Dancer (Or A Similar Distraction)

StoneWolf: You start this one. It’s not exactly my area of expertise.

CitizenC: Well, it isn’t mine either! Who do we know who WOULD know about these sorts of things?

StoneWolf: Fargo?

CitizenC: Let me ask him …

Fargo: Look, we’re talking about how to distract your OPPONENT, not yourself. One time I hired an exotic dancer to sabotage a LAN party and I never actually got around to playing any games. The only real way to get away from this is to only play against people who have different sexual preferences than you.

CitizenC: Pervert.

5. Upload A Messed-Up Config To Your Opponents Computer

CitizenC: Ok, wait a second here — just what IS your Quake III config?


  • Strafe Left: X
  • Strafe Right: C
  • Jump: A
  • Crouch: Z
  • Walk Forwards: Mouse2
  • Fire: Mouse1
  • Weapons: QWERSDV


CitizenC: That, sir, is the most inhuman, bizarre, otherworldly config that I have ever heard of. Although, I recall reading somewhere about a guy who played with the standard mouse/keyboard combo… except that, when he used his mouse, he rotates it 90 degrees counter-clockwise and plays like that.

StoneWolf: My mouse is inverted and rotated 45 degrees counter-clockwise.

CitizenC: Wait a second… if it is inverted… and rotated 45 degrees counter-clockwise.. doesn’t that have the same effect as rotating it 45 degrees clockwise?

StoneWolf: Vertically, yes; horizontally, no.

CitizenC: Smart ass.

4. Shout “Hey look!  It’s Fargo!”

CitizenC: Hey look! It’s Fargo!

StoneWolf: Where?

CitizenC: Over there, near the exotic dancer and the free Cokes.

StoneWolf: [Gets up to run over and get an autograph, but “accidentally” trips over CitizenC’s power cord]

CitizenC: You know what? I may just have to kill you now, but I won’t. Instead, I will BLIND YOU WITH MY OPTICAL MOUSE! KEYYYYYYYYYAH!

3. Switch The Other Guys (Or Girls) Speakers Around

StoneWolf: *Giggles* The guy will think I’m coming from the left, but I’ll really be on the right. This is even more fun when the guy has a 4 speaker setup.

CitizenC: I have a 4-speaker setup, actually. I got the front and rear wires mixed up once; it kind of messed up my game.

StoneWolf: I have no idea how that happened, I swear.

2. Combine Free Cokes/Pepsis With A Fake “Out of Order” Sign On The Washrooms

StoneWolf: I am totally immune to this strategy, for I am a Pepsi man.

CitizenC: Look! Over there, near the exotic dancer! It’s Fargo, giving out free Cokes and Pepsis!

[StoneWolf scampers away, and gets 12 free drinks]

StoneWolf: Mmmm…. Pepsi

CitizenC: Ok, you drink down that 12 pack… after you’re done, go to the washroom, then we’ll play. [Evil laugh.]

StoneWolf: Uh oh…

CitizenC: What’s wrong?

StoneWolf: I have to… you know…

CitizenC: Hey, no problem — if you can’t hold it, just go to the washroom. I can *SMIRK* wait.

StoneWolf: [Hopping up and down] Sign… out of order. [Face turns red]

CitizenC: Ok.. we can play now, or you can forfeit and run across the street to the 7-11… what is it going to be?

[StoneWolf dashes out the door]

CitizenC: Woohoo! I win!

1. Have Hellchick On Your Team

CitizenC: You know, in this particular case, I think that I would rather have Thresh, f4t1l1ty, or Kornelia on my team. I seem to recall that Hellchick isn’t THAT good at anything other then Quake. (That’s what you get for running PlanetQuake for so long.)

StoneWolf: Are you saying that your own boss isn’t good at gaming? You’re saying that she is a one-trick pony?

CitizenC: Not at all! I’m just saying that, in this particular case, I would elect to have Kornelia play on my team. In fact, I think that Kornelia would mop the floor with Hellchick!

StoneWolf: Would not!

CitizenC: Would so!

StoneWolf: No way!

CitizenC: Way. Say, didn’t you have to go to the bathroom?

StoneWolf: Read back, I already did.

CitizenC: Oh. Well, I have it on good standing that Kornelia would wh00p ass. If worse comes to worse, I can always blind Hellchick with my mouse, or fill her up with free drinks.

StoneWolf: Then I’ll just have to setup some mirrors and switch Kornelia’s speakers around.

CitizenC: I’ll see you your speakers… and raise you bribing Fargo to “trip” over Hellchick’s power cable.

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StoneWolf: I’ll see that, and raise you an exotic dancer. No, wait…

CitizenC: You want to keep the dancer for yourself? You, sir, are pervert.

StoneWolf: And you wouldn’t do the same?

CitizenC: I may be single, and I may be male, but that doesn’t change the fact that there is but one woman who has my heart. Too bad she doesn’t know it, huh?

StoneWolf: *Sniff* That’s beautiful.

Well, that is it for us: another CitizenC & StoneWolf Top 10 is over.  However, this list is FAR from complete.  In fact, I bet that you have a few ideas of your own.  Why don’t you tell us about them in the forums?  Who knows; maybe you can pick up a few ideas yourself.

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