"Pauly Shore joins id. John Carmack announced yesterday its decision to hire the talentless actor to serve as comic relief during the hectic development process of Quake 2. 'So far,' said Carmack, 'Pauly has contributed some pretty good ideas. For instance, since Quake 2 will have absolutely nothing to do with Quake, he suggested changing the name to Pauly: The Game... He even gave us a new idea for a weapon, the weasel gun.' 'Check it, bro!' remarked Shore. 'In Quake, there's, like, Pauly-gons!'"
"It's always the quiet ones. Tim Willits is a nice, bright, clean-cut 20-year-old. He lives in his parents' St. Paul home and cleans his room when Mom tells him to. He's a University of Minnesota senior, with a double major in business and computer science, and an officer in the ROTC. He has a part-time job at the University Relations News Office, where he's so well regarded that he has the honor of wearing the Goldy Gopher costume and serving as the school's representative at nonsports functions."