Lava… WTF?!

Lava.. WTF!?
by Zarous


What’s the deal with all the lava in the first person shooter games? Where do they get all this lava? Is it like a prerequisite to be a bad guy that you have a base with lot’s and lot’s of lava in it?

What about vulcanologists.. they kinda look like Darth Vader. Are they like bad guys in training, or do they have a predilection to become evil? Is it the study of the lava that makes ’em go bad, or is it the actual lava itself that makes ’em turn to the dark side. What’s the deal with pumping lava all over the place? Is this a sign of a bad guy that is lava defecient and he has to pump it into the room that you’re currently in so that it looks as though he has more lava than he actually does.

If you’re really in a room with lava.. you’d incinerate wouldn’t you? What kind of alloy is used on those pipes to pump the lava all over the place – that stuff is HOT. I dont care what color armor you have.. if you fall in that shit you’re dead.. right now.. dead.. game over. None of this .. -aah.. ahh.. ahh.. ahh.. ahh.. gurgle- crap.

Hardly realistic, but then again.. neither is fighting aliens from another planet/dimension etc.. WTF is with this aliens fixation? Wait.. I digress.

Then there’s Shogo.. there’s no reason to have lava in this game whatsoever. You’re playing the game.. going through citys, deserts, bases.. some offices.. no lava.. then at the end.. where did all this frickin’ lava come from? Did Toshiro succumb to the bad guy lava peer pressure? He had to have some too? Is my brother that shallow and trendy? I’m ashamed. Unfortunately there is no “disown your brother” option at the end. An oversight to be sure.

Seems there’s so much damn lava going around – it’s spilling over into the RTS games – even Total Annihilation has a lava map set. You’d think you’d have to cross a couple lava pools and lava rivers just to get to work the way it’s overflowing in the gaming community.

How ’bout if it was blood or Koolaid or red dye #5 (it’s carconegenic you know, talk about dangerous) instead. It might not be realistic but at least it would be DIFFERENT.


Then you have the bad guys that put acid or slime in their bases.. around their bases.. or under thier bases.. or some combination of these, which in some cases is understandable. Is acid cheaper than lava? Is an acid base a sign of a monitarily challenged bad guy that just didn’t have enough cold hard cash for some hot lava? How much does hot lava go for these days anyway? *evil grin* I think the bad guys that are putting acid in their bases are the cheap ones because they don’t have any of those eyewashing stations around their acid pools – and those are required by OSHA.

OK.. enough ripping on lava.. who has the BEST lava? I’m gonna have to say that Unreal has the hands down, bombest uber – lava. It shimmers, it has ripples, and its frickin hot!


“I get sweaty just thinking about it.” -Wank

Next time you’re checkin out a new game be sure and check out their LQ (Lava Quotient).

Now THAT’S lava.

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