Profile Of A Cheater by Kevin ‘Pointless Audio’ Pereira

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Multiplayer online games are an exciting source of entertainment for millions of people each day. Games like Quake, Diablo, and Smitty’s-Smut-Shack-Strip-Animal-Poker 2, attract Internet users of all ages and immerse them in a world of fierce competition. Constant arguments about the “advantages” that some players have, be it low ping times or enhanced graphics, break out among players almost every time. There is only one “advantage” that has been universally declared as “unfair and lame”� Cheats and Hacks.

by Kevin ‘Pointless Audio’ Pereira (7/06/98)

What The Hell Is Cheating / A Cheat?
We’re not talking about the kind of cheating your father does on those late nights at work…

Cheating on multiplayer games is a big deal! Cheating comes in a variety of flavors. There are client side proxy bots which can connect to a server, aim for you, hold your hand, and make a legitimate player’s life hell. Another common form of cheating is “Resident Memory Hacking”. Performed with programs like SoftIce, cheaters in games like Diablo can lock their health and duplicate items. Cheaters like these ruin the game for everybody, making legitimate players leave out of pure frustration.

Why Does A Person Cheat?
Is it a psychological thing… Or do they just plain suck at the game?

One may think the stereotypical cheater is an acne prone twelve year old who can’t maintain erection for more than five minutes at a time and is frustrated because they “suck” at a particular game. However, I have been following several cheaters for years, compiling data on their personal lives, and I have drawn the conclusion that not all cheaters even HAVE acne. I believe that some people cheat in order to compensate for a bad, or lack of, a sex life. Furthermore, I feel a lot of people cheat because they were abused as children. Try to understand, receiving a very expensive computer from daddy can be a painful experience!

Profiles Of A Cheater
Analysis of the llamas themselves

Proxy Bot Cheaters – Imagine yourself on an Mplayer “newbie” server being tossed around by players with names like “CheesyNuts” and “AssRod”. You, still using a keyboard, struggle to look up as players jump onto your head and hit you several times with a laser blaster. Due to your 800 ping, you find it hard to even ask how to mouse aim! What do you do? Do you admit to yourself that you suck at the game and rush to your alcoholic father to cry about it? NO… You aimlessly search AOL Pages and Geocities Pages, struggling to find some sort of cheat so you can proudly flaunt your previously-unheard-of high scores to your chain-smoking-prostitute mother.

This is the unfortunate tale of a real Quake cheater, whom we’ll call ChaffingBacon. We’ll talk more about SloppyMonkey’s life story later.

Softice Cheaters – If Diablo was the seat, SoftIce cheaters would be the gum stuck on bottom of it. Your typical SoftIce cheater is a pale-white-suburban “wannabie-gangsta” with a serious online ego complex. After being rejected by all the women in his town because he’s either “hefty” (as his mother would put it), or because he looks like an anorexic vampire, the un-athletic little lad turns to hacking and computers as a mask for his physical shortcomings. Usually, these “hackers” are great gamers because they have nothing better to do then master the latest games. However, what happens when someone who thought of themselves as the “greatest” player of that game LOSES to a relative newbie? These “master hackers” search aimlessly for a quick fix to their inadequate skill and find it in strains of code that can lock their health. Soon after, people become mad at whacking at something and not getting a response (much like an impotent man), so they too get the code for unlimited health. Within days, every hacker wannabe has the code and the whole gaming universe is ruined.

This is the unfortunate tale of a real Diablo cheater, who calls himself SloppyCrack. We will not delve into SloppyCrack’s life because it really is that pathetic.

Life Story Of A Cheater
How did he get so #@$%’ed up?

Born on a cold July morning, ChaffingBacon was immediately introduced into a world of pain and rejection, when his biological parents dropped him on the floor while trying to find his penis. ChaffingBacon grew up in a small two-story home in the middle of a fast growing city. When got his first computer at the age of 9, ChaffingBacon immediately signed up for AOL and was offered free llama sex pictures. Greedily, ChaffingBacon visited all of the fileservers on the AOL rooms and leeched every llama sex image he could. His parents became worried one day, when they noticed their son getting “excited” at Marine World when he would walk past the llama breeding cages. Determined to curb their sons behavior, ChaffingBacon’s parents put a screensaver password on his computer and enrolled him in little league baseball. ChaffingBacon looked extremely silly in his baseball uniform and all of the girls laughed at his pudgy little ass. Torn to tears, ChaffingBacon tried to kill his dog, but became scared when it growled at him.

Right now, you may be wondering, WTF does this have to do with cheating? Personally, to understand the cheater, I think we need to understand his life.

ChaffingBacon turned, once again, to his trusty computer. Feeling guilty for putting their son through such an ordeal, ChaffingBacon’s parents removed the password and got him internet access through a local ISP. Now with access to the IRC, and no friends, ChaffingBacon was able to spend a tremendous amount of time searching for llama pornography. His world was quickly crushed when he realized most IRC Fileservers have ratios, and he would have to upload if he wanted to continue his disgusting habit. ChaffingBacon became extremelt irate and wandered into #llama-hackers hoping to find a way to strike revenge against the fileserver operators. Of course by this time, ChaffingBacon was an extremely frustrated quake player. He was tired of being called a lamer because he didn’t know how to look up and down by using his keyboard. So ChaffingBacon asked politely, and in exchange for 40 megs of llama pictures, he received a file known as Z-Bot. Although it was still a rather unheard of program, some felt it could cause a lot of problems if put into the wrong hands. ChaffingBacon promised he would only use it once, but just to make sure, the programmer made it alter his nickname to have a “[ZBOT]” in front of it. This way, ChaffingBacon would stand out on a server like a sore thumb.

Why does any of this matter? Well, as you can see from this little peek into a cheater’s life, most cheaters only cheat because they have run out of leech access on llama porn servers. These cheaters are, from day one, taught that they are inferior in all ways possible and that the only way they will possibly succeed is through cheating. ChaffingBacon’s father even cheated on his mother… it’s a bloodline thing.

So what does this mean?
Will the cheating EVER stop?

There are millions of stupid, inferior, lazy people in the world. Unfortunately, these people breed like spider-monkeys causing a whole new generation of slacker offspring. Will they cheat? Most likely. Genetically, it has been decided that they will be the groundlings of the online society. Can we stop them? In most cases, a cheater’s personality is decided the moment of conception. Accidents do happen though, just look at ChaffingBacon. His parents weren’t complete idiots, yet there son was.Why? Some say it was AOL, yet others argue it’s because he was just too chubby. Can we postpone this behavior? If my theory is correct, YES. Cheaters can be stopped, rather simply, if we all work together!

How do we stop them?
iMMoRTaLz Master Plan

Has my years of painstaking research paid off? Will anything “good” come out of this mindless rambling? The answer is YES. As I have noticed in 99% of all the cheaters I observed is a love of llamas. (Particularly explicit movies and pictures involving them) I’m willing to bet, that the shortage of llama pornography on free servers causes a lot of losers, I mean users, to become cheaters. What is the master plan? I’m sure by now you’re all itching with anticipation…or some sort of weird rash…

Step 1 – First, we collect ever single picture of a llama in a sexually explicit form.

Step 2 – Apply for multiple Geocities websites and take over a hard drive at CDROM.COM.

Step 3 – Upload millions of megs of llama porn to these sites and advertise for them on AOL chatrooms.

=\ After several weeks, I’m sure the idiots will have leeched every byte of data and want more /=
=\ This is when the crucial timing of Step 4 comes into place. It will take a LOT of volunteers /=

Step 4 – Quickly and quietly, we rename all of the images to have completely different filenames. Your average llama porn fan is not too bright and won’t know that he has already seen these images.

Step 5 – After another month or so, we repeat step 4 yet with different filenames once again.

A little worried as to how it can be pulled off ? Here is the plan in detail:

We have a fundraiser by selling cookies, old shoes, and amateur pictures of me and my dog. With the money we make from that, we buy adult videos, a 9 gig HD, a crowbar, flashlight, a Polaroid camera, propeller hats, and lots of toilet-paper. (The propeller hats, videos, and TP are for me… don’t ask) Using one of the adult films, we slip it into the VCR hooked up to the security cameras at CDROM.Com. While the guards are “busy” with the diversion, I will use my CTF-Grappling hook and pull myself to the roof of the building. While on the roof, I will use a crowbar to punch through a sky-light and jump down into the computer network room. In case I run into guards, I will bust out my Action Quake skills, glock them in the head, take their clothes, and snag pictures of them for my own purposes. (If necessary, we can allow our llama porn leeches to also view these pictures) After I have single-handedly defeated the entire CDROM.Com security staff, I will attach the 9 gig drive and haul ass out of there. Using my propeller hat, I will safely repel from the roof, back down to mother earth. Such a simple and easy plan, it’s amazing nobody else thought of it.

This plan should, in essence, keep lamers from becoming cheaters. They will be too busy downloading llama porn that they won’t have the time or bandwidth to play games. If, at any point in time, one of these lamers becomes suspicious of the whole “rename the files” routine, we simple convert them to another format… or make AVI slide-shows of them.

Considering the worst case scenario, we could always cut and paste from existing llama porn images to make new ones. I truly feel that this is an effective and brilliant (of course) plan to eliminate cheaters from every online game.

Here is the link to the original article from 3dgaming.net. After that, is gameadmins.com page that introduced me to the article.  That’s why they call it web surfing folks!

https://web.archive.org/web/19991005164025/http://www.3dgaming.net:80/columns/cheater/

This article first appeared over at 3dgaming.net. It was written by Kevin ‘Pointless Audio’ Pereira aka “iMMortal. This article was about cheating in general but was so friggin hilarious, I had to see if we could get permission to repost it here for your viewing pleasure, I also would like to thank “iMMortal” for letting us use his work on our site, if you get a few extra minutes go check his site out, it’s pretty kick ass! Well, enough of the BS, lets get to the article already! Prepare to either be offended (if your a bot user) or to laugh your ass off (if your an anti-bot proponent.)