wormfood for thought
Issue 2: SPAM SPAM SPAM Gibs And SPAM
Disclaimer mo bettah dan dat claimer.
Welcome back to wft ä . Sorry for the delays, but when RealLifeä bites you on the ass, it doesnt let go til the sky thunders (if you dont understand, dont worry its a paraphrase of an old Ozarks saying). Before we dive in, let me get the standard disclaimer out of the way:
My opinion, no others. Dont like it, dont read it.
This particular issue requires a supplementary disclaimer:
SPAMÒ Luncheon Meat is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods, as are the words HORMEL, SPAMBURGER, SPAMTASTIC, and any other SPAM-derived terms.
And now for something completely different.
Chapter 1 Chopped pork shoulder meat, a bit of ham .
Monty Python is the supreme sketch comedy troupe of all time. No others have so masterfully blended biting sarcasm and hilarious farce while simultaneously offending every race, religion, government, social group, and most animals. One particular nugget of Python wit is relative to this issue of wftä, and is commonly known as the SPAM sketch. In it, an English couple visit a neighborhood diner for breakfast. To the ladys dismay, every plate on the menu includes SPAM (i.e. Plate 1: SPAM, SPAM, eggs, bacon, and SPAM). When she asks for a meal sans SPAM, the waitress and her husband both seem aghast. Aside from the innate humor of SPAMÒ Luncheon Meat, this sketch illustrates a principle: Once something becomes popular with the masses, even a vile, disgusting, worthless something like SPAMÒ Luncheon Meat, it pervades everything and becomes impossible to avoid. In the above scenario, the mindless worship of SPAMÒ Luncheon Meat has caused the delicious, nutritional, traditional menu items to be supplanted by mounds of a substance which exists solely as a pathetically inferior parody of the succulent Ham itself a breakfast staple. How does this relate to Quake, you ask? Because the same thing is in danger of happening to our beloved Nostromo servers.
Chapter 2 , salt, water, sugar .
We all have experience with unsolicited email, and when not thinking of canned (pseudo)meat products, most people associate the term SPAM with email. In truth, the term SPAM has become more general, and refers to more than just email. One of the clearest definitions of SPAM that Ive seen is from Matisse Enzers Internet glossary. Matisse defines SPAM as “An inappropriate attempt to use a mailing list, or USENET or other networked communications facility as if it was a broadcast medium (which it is not) by sending the same message to a large number of people who didnt ask for it.” Matisse also notes “The term may also have come from someones low opinion of the food product with the same name, which is generally perceived as a generic content-free waste of resources.” SPAM in Quake falls under this description, and is characterized by the unsolicited, generally unwanted, incessant repetition of “say” chatter. It may be the key-bound, chest-thumping “<Insert Clan Name Here> RULZ JOO!!!!” repeated over and over every time the clan member manages a frag (or more often gets hit by a “lucky” shot). Or it could be the poo-poo mouthed, seemingly reflexive typing of obscenities by a 12 year old who gleaned (but fails to understand) them from Def Comedy Jam which he naughtily watches on HBO after Mom falls asleep. Sporbly briefly covered his idea of these 2 kinds of spammers in his Ravings section- I will now take a more clinical (read as : B.S.) look at their psychological motivation.
- Coprolalius Spamus the potty mouth. This spammer suffers from a variation of Coprolalia (latin for “Poop-Lips”), a vocal tic often associated with Tourette Syndrome. The Quake variation manifests not as vocalizations (which would be pointless without Roger Wilco or Battlefield Communicator), but as involuntary digital spasms that activate the console or the “T” key and follow with 240 WPM spastic typing of seemingly random expletives. This conditions is most often seen in juvenile quakers, as evidenced by immature vocabulary and apparent fascination with sexual vulgarities. Symptoms often decline with age, and usually disappear completely if the subject ever actually gets laid.
- Penis Deterius Spamoralis the genitalia compensator. This exclusively male spammer feels forced to make up for his pathetically tiny penis with a stream of continuous virtual chest-beating. This sad individual usually discovers his genital inadequacy at home (after school while his parents are at work) by actually measuring the length of his erect (if possible) penis, and comparing that number to the “well known” median (derived from letters in his Dads Penthouse Forum). As a means of compensation, the PDS individual often joins a clan (if one will accept him) and immediately binds chat keys to the phrases “U L4M3R”, “T0T4L B.S.”, “YER HYSTERIE”, “I SMOKED U”, and of course “CLAN xxx OWNZ ALL”. He then presses the chat-bound keys at every opportunity, and several times consecutively (for cool effect). If you suspect your friend/brother/son/boyfriend might be suffering from PDS, search for clues on his keyboard. If the chat-bound keys are much more worn than the movement keys (and left-mouse button), then hes probably a bit stubby. CAUTION: A person with PDS should never be allowed to actually SHOW his nub to a woman, as he will become deeply depressed, potentially violent, and begin to resent all forms of laughter.
Conclusion sodium nitrate (for pinkness), and love.
I assume that, after youve read this issue, youve concluded that I hate SPAM. I do, in any form. Ive learned to live with email SPAM as an unfortunate side effect of an unregulated Internet, and I can easily avoid eating SPAMÒ Luncheon Meat. Please dont try to force me to accept SPAM as the norm on my favorite Quake servers. I believe that the ability to chat on a Quake server is a welcome feature, when used in moderation. This feature is rendered useless when players are forced to pull down the console and wade through heaps of inane SPAMmy babble to find the important comments that they missed. As for what constitutes SPAM and what is “fun banter”, I repeat the key phrase from Matisses definition above: “a content-free waste of resources.” That pretty much sums it up. If you still cant tell what is SPAM and what is not, then err on the side of caution and STFU.
P.S. Before you fire off that hate mail titled “Im in a clan and Ive got a HUGE pecker”, allow me to clarify by saying I dont think everyone who joins a clan has PDS (although I wonder about some clans). In fact, I think clans are a great way, perhaps the only way, to compete in team-based Quake, and are generally a GoodThingä . I only mentioned clans because the PDSer has to prove he belongs, and clan membership fits the bill.
Ill be back again soon with wftä – Issue 3: INSERT TITLE HERE.